Hi,

I'm afraid about what is happening.

A work colleage invited my to go to an event on Saturday afternoon with spouses. It would be fun and different.


But I am not up to it.
Today I made three huge important phone calls that I have been putting off for a month. ...my big accomplishment.....making phone calls to pdoc and mdoc and someone else I can't remember.

I am putting off doing my on-line bill pay that I was supposed to do at the end of Oct. (Thank goodness at least hubby is in charge of rent. I don't tell him about the unpaid phone, electricity, my credit card, car insurance, . . . I think I married him because he is good about walking the rent check to the rent office. I can't deal with that stress and with being reminded each month of potential homelessness.) I'm a moron and I am depressed.

I have an appointment for Sat. for a hair cut /color. What was I thinking? Tomorrow I will cancel it. Who the heck wants to go to the mall on a weekend this time of year? And yet my hair is gray and depressing.

Not showering.
Not eating right. Not doing my share of keeping up the apt.
Watching lots of tv when I am not working.


I'm afraid of going to bed at night. No. Really.
Scared to death.
I don't know what is happening.


Mari

I am so sorry. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I am so glad you can watch tv. I really think at times like these it is our bipolar running the show...when the bipolar takes over, nothing is safe. I think if we fight it, that is what it likes and then things get worse. I think we have to run for cover and try to drown out everything if possible. If tv can blot out rampant fears that God for tv. I just think we become flooded with emotions caused by bipolar disorder and then they attach themselves to any thoughts we might have. I haven't been able to write much until I read your post and then the bipolar symptoms I have been having took a rest. Just remember right now to take baby steps and if possible pamper yourself. Don't take on anything extra if you can help it. Don't feel guilty.
don't test yourself. Know that things always work out but sometimes we just have to go through horrific times when we seem to have so little control. I think it is especially really horrific for adults who were caretakers as children. As children we didn't allow ourselves to feel the heavy weight of responsibility that we assumed and the very strong need for control. I don't know if you became an imperfect perfectionist which would partially mean that you always have that need for control of your environment and you so overburden yourself with those unconscious fears and thoughts that dealing with the external environment is just too much on your plate. I have gray hair and love it. I figured I earned it. I am certain a lot of people buy their own coloring kit and successfully color their own hair. One of my friends went blond and I can't believe the difference. It makes her so pretty. Another friend started eighteen years ago giving herself blond hair. She has a beautiful face and the color is very flattering...I hadn't seen her in almost forty years and I immediately got used to the blond hair. Her sister who I hadn't also seen in that length of time colors her hair herself the same color as before. She also has the same figure she had before so she almost looked the same as before. Shocking....
I wish you could find a nice house keeper and have your husband approve of them and have the person do the basic work so you wouldn't worry about even lifting a finger. I am certain that stress from the guy in the hospital has contributed to your mood. You are finally beginning to take care of your own needs and that is terrifying if you have never done it before. It can shake the foundation of your existence even though it is on the road to freedom...I think things have changed for the better in your life now and because of that everything probably feels as if it will fall apart. You now have to learn to take new baby steps and blossom.
Long winded Bobby

Dear Mari


You sound like your having a rough time Mari.
Please dont cancel the Hair-do, sometimes when we feel like you do at present, its important to focus on yourself. By having your hair done it will pamper the inner you, the one thats trapped deep inside and desperate to re-surface. If you look good, you eventualy start to feel good. As for house work, let your hauband help you through this. Marriage is a partner ship. Equally why dont you divide the paying of bills up as well.

All thgough bills are the last thing on your mind at present , they need attention, your situation will feel more unbareable when people are demanding money from you.

I'm not a control freak, by any stretch of the imagination, but as i support people at work to reduce chaos, i suppose i have to live by what i say.

Each month i know whats coming in and what goes out. Bills go out direct to my suppliers of gas, electricity, insurances, mortgage etc.. I know that paper bills wont drop in my post[ this way i dont have to worry] I can stand a bit of un-tidiness, but not chaos.... Clutter stores up more than dirt, it is a reflection of the mind. hence the saying a tidy room is a tidy mind....

Be an organiser in your life style. Mari you are a strong woman, who when well gives good advise, and clearly understands the issues of Bi Polar.. being an organiser through the rough times can be at times impossible , as descions are like mountains to climb.... but by attempting to take control of your environment arround you, you can pigeon hole important things to do and leave things , that you cant do at the time or lack energy to do... in the in tray for later.


Think of yourself as Superwoman, when you help others , you drain Kryptonite.... you need to recharge and become strong again......


As for the party your invited to, why not decline the invitation, and go for a long walk with your hubby, Tell him.... tasks in the home need sharing 50/50

if you both work this is only fair.......


Dont forget go to the HAIRDRESSERS......... YOU LOOK GREAT



David

Mari you sound stressed to the max and depressed.

I too would go and get your hair done, that always makes me feel better, and it will get you out of the house and do something for you.

Maybe then you might just feel like going to the party, even if just for a little while.

I would also call your p-doc about being afraid to go to sleep at night. Do you have any meds for sleep?

Ask your husband to either do the bills or help you with them, he must see that you are not up to par.

Lots of Hugs, Nikko

Hi,
I was almost out of the door for work and then stopped and decided to call in sick.
The boss answered and was very nice. When she asked what was wrong, I said that I had a headache and lots of other alwful stuff. She said not to worry and that the ac/heat was wrong in the building and such anyway.

I'm not sleeping enough. When I went into work Wednesday, once of my classes turned into chaos and I had to throw out two students (18 yr old girls) for yelling at each other. I told them that the only one who gets to yell in my class is me and told them to leave.
I felt horrible becuase it would not have happend if I had 1) been on time for class and 2) been on my game a little. I don't feel like I would be more in control today than I was Wed.

My old tdoc taught me that it is not helpful to the students if I drag myself in when I am a complete mess. When he said that, I felt like he gave me permission to attend to my needs and stay home sometimes. According to him, it is not so darned important that I show up everyday if I really need to be home instead.
That idea is still hard for me to get used to, because I feel like I should go in no matter what. And I see people who go into work who are struggling to be there too.
Now, when I start talking like that, I know that I am depressed because I usually don't compare myself to other people.

Mari

Dear Mari,
So sorry that you had to deal wiht teenage girls in your class...this is college right not highschool.
I hope that you rest today and do what ever makes you feel more comfortable at home.
It was great that you called in sick.
I too am worried about you being afraid to sleep...are you feeling something is going to happen to you while asleep or are you having bad dreams? I think a call in to see your pdoc is a good idea.
I too think keeping your hair appointment is a good idea....and yes ask your hubby to take care of his fair share of bill paying, could you set them up on line to be paid automatically?
I feel for you today...
bizi

hey.

i know that doing hair, and shopping and bubble baths are all prescribed rofl for depression but it don't work for me. going out is traumatic when the depression is the anxious people-eeky kind. the trip, a huge mall, and a probably busy salon would freak me out, so i'm for blow it off unless you feel good about going right just now. i am also having trouble with keeping up with my personal care, so i totally know how that goes. my mom like makes comments every now and then...

fwiw, i have never dyed my hair. i'm dark auburn and aging doesn't give blonde streaks "to match nicely." so i have odd crookedy silver strands and onto streaks - totally weird. i don't care - it's me, no less than the wrinkles deepening and the skin on my wrists showing less elasticity... it's me in the here and now.

oh, i just read Curious' idea about a wash-out color ... i like that idea if you feel it is doable, and doing a coloring would give you a lift. at least no full-people-immersion!

or, can you think of your hair as being SILVER, or salt-n-pepper, rather than grey??? they sound more exciting, don't they?

i am so sad to hear you so down. good that your boss is understanding, and i do agree with your old tdoc. but also you do sound like a great teacher and one who can really hold the fort, esp with students that age. even if you were a mess and feel "at fault" for what happened, the fact is you dealt with it no if ands or buts. you mentioned control issues. even if the students got unruly because of your unwellness, their behavior is not your "fault" it was not in your control, period. you did NOT set them screaming. i will NOT give you credit for that, sorry! You DO get the credit (double) for dealing with it, even when you were perhaps too ill to be there.

yes, you are a strong and wise woman. don't forget that, you beautiful grey-headed wonderful person you.

wear very soft comforting clothes like flannel, sweatsuits etc. do you have any essential oils - lavender or SWEET orange? those are relaxants. lavender can also help with headache. i am not trying to tackle the sleep thing here, just stuff to feel soothed maybe. i'm sorry about your not sleeping enough that is horrible i just wish your sleep issues would heal. you know that worsens depression too, right.

its ok about watching tv right now... like Bobby said, it is good that you CAN do that, it is still an activity, albeit passive. let it be so. give yourself CREDIT for that.

Ok, now, CURIOUS... BREAK OUT THE CHOCOLATE ON THIS THREAD !!! Mari, what's your fav, white, milk or dark? with nuts, almonds? orange crunch? mocha?



~ waves ~

Dear Nikko,

Yes, I am on my way to getting my hair done.

It was nice of my colleages to invite to see the play today. They are guys and they normally drink when they get together -- and I don't drink.
So it is nice that one of them thought to invite me to a day time activity. And one is bringing his wife.


You know the real reason I said no?
If I spent the afternoon with them I would end up outing myself. When I am depressed I act manicky -- can't explain. So if I were with them for a few hours the cat would be out of the bag and they would know that I am nuts.
Right now they suspect but they don't know for sure. I am going to keep it that way.

The pdocs and the tdocs have worked for many years on the sleep thing. I eventually stopped talking to them about it. But I did call my accupunturist about my recent sleep freak out. She called me back at 11:00 pm last night -- she knew I was up. lol.
Anyway, she'll get back to me this weekend.

Hubby gets more stressed out about bills than I do -- even though he is better at it.
Plus he has some controlling tendencies and I don't want to be in a possition where I have to explain my expenditures to him and truthfully, he doesn't want that either. So we have a stupid bill system for now.

Mari

Dear David,
My life is chaotic with stuff and things to do. I constantly try to simplify. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes not.

This starts with my not sleeping at night and trying to catch sleep in the day. Things go off the rails from there. I'm in a topsy turvey word.

Hubby is steady and scheduled and organized. So that helps. But I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of his junk. (My stuff is not junk of course.) We have too much crap in our place. And I wish that I had cleared floors and table tops . . .

My office at work is clean. When it starts getting messy I start putting stuff in the trash. It feels good. I should use the same method at home.

Hubby does most/all of the house cleaning but he is not as fussy as I am. I'd love to hire someone once in a while. He says no because he can do it himself.

We've only been married 2 1/2 years and are still evolving our roles in the the bill paying thing. We had first marriages that were not so good in terms of how the money was handled so we are both wary. Right now we have a system that will be modified again because obviously it is not working well.

I don't know how to handle the clutter thing. The only time I ever feel like cleaning is 3:00 in the morning. I feel like I should try to go to bed instead of waking my self up. But maybe one night I'll go nuts and start throwing out crap or putting it on shelves and say the heck with sleep anyway.

Mari

Dear Bobby,

One good thing is that hubby and I are not doing Thanksgiving at all. I am so happy. We/I still have the option of going to a friend's house. But I think that I want to stay home and sleep.

I started going gray in my 20s and started coloring it then. A friend and I used to do each other's hair for a while but we don't see each other often enough and she'd rather do her own. And I am too klutzy to do it myself. I rather like going to the mall to have it done and the people at the shop are good to me and leave me alone - I bring a book or close my eyes to nap. And I don't have to sit and make idle chit chat.

The guy who does my hair has a fascintating life store that he told me one time. When he was very young, he and his family were displaced persons from Europe after WW II and ended up in a refugee camp in N. Africa. His family was sent to South America where he grew up. So he speaks Spanish with the other people in the shop but his name is Eastern European -- And his country of origin is the same as some members of my own extended family. I feel comfortable with him.

The thing is that the parking lot at the mall this time of year is crowded.

You are right that I need to remind myself that things always work out. Because they do.

My tdoc reminds me that my intentions are powerful.
She thinks that it works to want the right for myself -- donno if that made sense. I think that you worded it better.

Mari