Hi, MeBP,

There's another way to look at this if it helpful.
For now, you could be ok with not being ok.
For a while I embraced being miserable. I let the bipolar (and other stuff) be in charge and stopped fighting it. It worked because I also knew in every fiber of my being that I was going to be ok someday -- just not at the time I wanted it.

I saw something on tv tonight that reminded me of this.
In a documentary that took place in the desert, the men were staying that there is
no way to beat the heat.
They compromise with the heat.
That made sense to me.
I talk to my bipolar and check in with it everyday and try to see what it needs from me.

. . . not sure if this makes sense.

More hugs.
Darling. You can still be proud of your brother.


Mari

i wish you could tell her off as a therapist..i think you would feel a lot better
bobby
ps how many people really are ok? isn't it enough just to do the best we can do at the time?

Gosh, I like the question How many people are really okay?

I'm not always okay. And most of the time, I'm not okay.

But I have to go and go and be okay.

So life just goes on. Just like with you.


Just today my husband says, I didn't know you took 13 medications.

Well duh if you ever asked, or cared to listen you would now.

And tonight on the way home, from my procedure, gosh its once again,

You know how I think. He thinks its my weight. Well Duh I'm doing what
I can to get it down its just not agreeing.

Donna

hi Girlie,
How are you doing?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

My tdoc called me yesterday afternoon, asking if it was possible for me to come an hour earlier so of course I said yes as I was off from work anyway. So I went an hour earlier, no big deal. Maybe it was the way things have been piling up on me emotionally and then the change in routine but I had a hard time in session.

I was telling her about a phone call I had with my boss and all of a sudden I felt I was about to cry. She asked me to stay with the feeling. I suddenly felt like I wanted to push her out of the way. She suggested that maybe I need to look at my job issues through a different angle. It felt like once again she was criticizing me. Then I kind of froze and became dissociated, confused and couldn't put my finger on any single word or a feeling.

She became annoyed and since I'm so sensitive to her demeanor I froze again. She tried to get me out of my confusion by pushing me to be present. When this happens I shut down even further. She told me that when I become confused like this she goes into a very dense place and can't see a way to help me. In a way, this is comforting because it means she's with me. But it frustrates her and I know that.

I told her that when she tries to push me out of the confusion it actually makes things worse. I told her that I feel as though I'm in the center of a tornado with words flying around me and that when she stays calm and talks I stay very still and try to hold onto her words in order to stay present. It was really hard to describe this and let her know where I was. I cried as I told her this. She thanked me for telling her this.

When the session ended I don't think I was very grounded, but I put on a happy face and chatted as I walked out the door. As I drove home I became increasingly anxious. By the time I got back home I was a mess. I left her several messages. I was extremely emotional and having a lot of "bad" thoughts and urges to cut. She told me to journal and to email her. After journaling I was able to get in touch with some strong feelings of abandonment, fear and non-existence. Maybe I was right all along. Maybe what's inside of me is simply too much for her to absorb.

I'm not feeling real good at the moment and I think it's from my Lithium. I came home yesterday and was nauseous but thought it was from the session I had. This morning it hasn't stopped and I'm exhausted, feel clumsy, freezing and can't seem to focus. I haven't had it checked since December. I was supposed to have blood work right after tax season and I totally forgot. I called my pdoc and left a message. I don't know if it's alright to stop cold turkey.

Dear MeBP,

Is she helping you? This is the important question.
Also, do you think that her heart is in the right place to help you?

Can you call a pharmacist about the lithium? Maybe you can drink lots of water or sports drinks.

Mari

Dear Girlie,
I am glad that your journaling helped you to get some of your feelings out.
And am glad that she allows you to email her.
Putting on a happy face really doesn't help...do you think you did that to try to reassure her?
Does she allow you to give her or get a hug from her?
Hugs are great therapy.
here is one for you.

bizi

I don't know a lot about lithium but my sister has said, its not good to
go completely off it without going down slowly.

So I would get ahold of the doctor or pharmacist first.

Donna

I'm not sure if she's helping me or not Mari. You have no idea how mixed up I am. I'm not sure if I belong going there or any where for that matter. And I don't know about her heart or where it's at. Again she took another phone call when I was in there. I'm really doubting that she can help me and I'm just wasting my time.

No Bizi no touching allowed and I understand that, just a handshake. Maybe I do put on a happy face just to make her feel like she's doing her job. I just don't know about much anymore but I'm wearing myself out trying to analyze everything and everybody. I know I'm getting that urge to retreat from everything but I can't help it.

I'm taking 450 mg of lithium twice a day. I just took the evening one and I guess I'll just drink and call the pharmacy in the morning. Hooper's already in bed and I'm joining her soon.

Quote:

I know I'm getting that urge to retreat from everything but I can't help it. ...

what do you mean by this?