I woke up this morning and I was incredibly and very suddenly in a state of depression that was very strong.

In the past it has often been difficult for me to put a finger directly on the root cause of these sudden shifts - rather they have always crept up on me gradually wearing me down.

Lately I've been finding that I'm able to trace my steps back and usually find the event that triggered the downfall.

Usually I can go back from there and find the origins in my young childhood; for instance:

When I was around six years old my mother wished to divorce my dad. She told me he made her very unhappy. She told me things about her relationship that no child should hear from his mother. She criticized him in the most dreadful ways. When they finally divorced my dad started saying things to me about having to choose which of them I was to live with. I was seven. I knew I wanted to stay with my mother but I was tremendously worried about hurting my father. This caused me such distress that I began to be unable to be in public for fear someone was going to try and drug me. I had nightmares where I was kidnapped and tried to scream for help but no sound would come out of my mouth.

This is only part of the difficulties I "learned" to cope with growing up but I think it is enough to express what I'm feeling.

I used to think "you are a grown man... this childhood junk is a bunch of baloney..."

It isn't.

The only thing I wanted when I was that young child was for everyone to get along. That's it. The only thing.

So as an adult, when my own family drama appears - some of which I am responsible for causing, some of which I am not - it takes me RIGHT back to that place.

How do I cope? I get depressed because I don't know HOW to cope. I'm not taking tranquilizers any more. I've been sober for five years.

I'm making progress I think - progress in the form of realizing where these incredibly powerful emotional responses come from. This is very good.

The only problem is; now that I understand that - what the heck do I DO with it?

How can I alter this pattern?

It is one thing to forgive the past and move forward in the present - BUT, what if you are constantly challenged in the present, by people and circumstances you have no control over that constantly rip open the wound over and over again?

This is why I'm really, really good at helping people with their own issues - I can figure this out. What I CAN'T seem to do is utilize it to help myself.

The new ease I'm finding in making these connections is definitely progress - and that clarity is increasing. Sometimes it seems like the more clarity I get; the stronger the NEGATIVE feelings get! It is a constant and exhausting tug of war.

How do you guys think one can move forward? There is no running away. Only stay and fight...

I applaud you, dear friend. (I don't have the Bipolar, but MS and other baggage) You certainly have seen the light and recognized the enemy.

I had to find out the hard way. You can't do the same thing over and over and expect the results to be different. A positive change must take place. Being brave enough to confront those ghosts and lay them down for good.

You've made the first step. Next I would start writing. (I've praised the power of keeping a journal/diary again and again). It gets all the stuff floating in your head onto something solid that can be reviewed. My first one helped with recovered memories. And sharpening my focus.

I don't know if I've helped. But I wish you the best in this, tritone.

Fight back.

Dear Tritone,

This quote sounds like something from Growing Yourself Back Up

I had lots of training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I was in my twenties and thirties. When I got to my 40s, I was ready for something different. My current tdoc uses hypnosis and other mind body stuff.


Here is a book I have heard much about:

Growing Yourself Back Up by John Lee

also books on the Inner Child might be useful.

In my first therapy journey I learned about how to identify, rethink, . . .
The next go around I needed more work on my feelings.

Therapists trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), an outgrowth of CBT, use mindfullness, work on distress tolerance, . . .
I have not gone to a therapist who does this, but they are not hard to find from what I understand.

Some people can make progress through journaling. They write it out and keep writing and eventually reach some deep insights.

Good luck Tritone.
You are going to be ok.

M.

Dear Tritone,
If I remember correctly you have recently just gotten off the benzos right?
YOu are going to have some challenging time adjusting to this, some of these feelings maybe a carry over from this...I don't know.
Just understand that these medications can screw up our brains...you may not be sleeping all that well...I don't know if you deal with obcessive thoughts or numinating ones but this can be signs of hypomania.
I will write more later...have to go walk with hubby.
bizi

Thank you,

Moose - yes, writing is definitely helpful to me. It just seems to get to a point where I need some external feedback and reassurance.

Mari - this all sounds very interesting. Mindfulness and distress tolerence. Sounds like exactly what I need. I will investigate this.

Bizi - yes, I think there is some truth to all of the things you mentioned. I don't know about hypomanic in the classic sense - but there are certainly elements. I'm actually calmer at work. No, not sleeping terribly well. The depression this morning was horrific but very short lived. I 'thought' myself through the depression and then on to writing this post - and afterward I felt much better. I also called in to work and said I would be late and then went back to sleep for two hours. Not exactly 'perfect', but I didn't blow off the entire day and sit around feeling crummy. So - I did what I had to do to manage and then I went on with my day. I saw the PDoc tonight. That was somewhat reassuring. I'm also in a new therapy group - I immediately hit it off with the leader; but then found out last night they are splitting the group up. So I called him tonight and asked him if I could stay with him instead of moving. We'll see. He's got some stuff in his past as well and I feel like he just gets it - I don't have to explain, he understands and he recognizes the work I've already done - in addition to really having his own stuff together. Ruminating and obsessing are nothing new for me. These are things I'm working on. These are things I was medicating previously...

Hopefully you will get to stay with the same guy....
That sounds promising.
I think you are doing really well tritone.
You sound very healthy to me.
very sane.
Which of course is a compliment!
keep in touch.
bizi

Hi, I'm Donna and I wanted to say I find your thread very encouraging.

I believe you have made great strides. I am trying to work with a young
girl who is my soon to be daughter-in-law who is in therapy. But is
in between therapist because the one she was with kept cancelling.

So I've been her sounding board, because I'm one of the few that knows
the whole story that haunts her from her past. And she is really stressing
because the problematic person in her teenage year is back, and he haunts
her. And sometimes seems to be trying to stalk her. So we just have to
really keep a eye on her to make sure she is okay.

She just really needs to get back into some kind of group situation and
hopefully soon it will happen. But she too is making great strides recently
to let others help her. And also to help others.

She even went so far as to share her story with someone that needed
to know, so that he wasn't allowed to move into a apartment were children
lived.

She was a victim of rape and more.
So it was very important that she shared her story so that the lady doing
the renting of the apartments knew the situation, not just for her safety
but for all the other tenants.

Donna

Hi Donna,

Thanks for you encouraging words.

I guess what I want to say is that I have a lot of experience... Early in my life I was a victim in many ways - including THAT one - and various other kinds of abuse. Later in my adulthood I became an abuser - not a violent one, and only briefly when I was quite sick. Most recently I am the parent of a child who was abused by her step father. My wife was abused in her childhood as well.

I'm not proud of the bad things I did - and despite all the screwy things I didn't have control over that helped lead me down that path I take FULL responsibility - but the 'positive' I can make of that is that I understand. I just understand. I've done many more good things than bad. But having all of these experiences gives me a unique perspective.

I've had an apartment in my building for nearly 20 years. I met my wife in 2003 and she moved in and we got married in 2004. We needed a bigger place and were able to move into a bigger apartment in the same building. Well, as it turned out, the 'move' resulted in full background checks and screenings to be done. The tenant's board and the management company found out about my 'secret' that had happened many years earlier in another state. The result was a bit of hysteria and an immediate impulse to sound the alarm. They stuck letters under all our neighbor's doors.

Now this was all quite silly since I had already lived here for going on two decades! I'm also happily married, employed, and have no other issues except this particular mistake that unfortunately many people don't seem to want to let me either 'forget' or move forward from.

I think it is wonderful that you are being so supportive to your daughter in-law. I don't know the offender. I'm not making any judgments - just sharing some experience with you.

I have been in different groups that provide therapy to men who have been involved with these type of offenses. I've known dozens of men in this particular population.

On the whole, the ones who show up to group, the ones who make their probation/parole appointments, the ones who comply with every whim of the offender registries, the ones who stay employed/go to school, and the ones who try to face their crime and take responsibility for it - these are not the dangerous predators the media and political machine so love to characterize. These are people who have taken steps to move ahead and are fairly closely supervised by the state. The stereotypical, high recidivist, compulsive, psychopathic, antisocial predator is extremely rare. I've been told by a psychologist with 20 years specializing in this field that it is only 2 or 3 percent. The stats and double talk we constantly hear in the news are based on that small percentage.

On the other hand, I also deeply understand how traumatizing this can be. I understand the feeling of wanting to protect against a dangerous person. Clearly she felt quite strongly and did what she thought she must. Was the man convicted? Is he registered under the offender registration laws?

I wish you both the best.

Dear Donna,
I think that daughters-in-law can have special relationships with their mothers-in-law. Will this be your fist DIL?

Enjoy.

M.

Dear Tritone,
I still love the story of the tiiiny apt. Good thing you moved out of there for some more room.
Do you have a view? Or at least some quiet?

And can you give us some pics of your doggies? Please.

Mari