I must have gotten really worked up about this new technique of hers and have formed some sort of mental barrier to it. I’m trying to be open to this task. I know she often asks me just to "trust her" on some things that I get quite panicky about And although she hasn’t said to trust her about this task as yet, maybe I should be a bit more open to trying new things that may feel strange at first. Right now I can’t even think of a song and I see her on Thursday again. I’ve blocked a lot of my childhood out and have to find a nursery rhyme I remember. I have my self-loathing words all typed out but putting it to song is so hard.

This is why I'm afraid to doubt her, to not trust her. I was talking about some painful memories during the session that related to dreams that I keep having. Right at the end of the session I said to her "I don't know how to get this out of my head, it keeps haunting me." She looked seriously at me and said "I think you DO know, it's just whether you want to."

Did she mean express my emotions, or something else? I have a feeling that might be it. I didn't like to ask her and now wish I had. Her words made me shiver at the time.

When you see her next could you start where you left off and ask her to esplain herself?
((((HUGS)))))
beth

Hi,
Wikipedia has a list of nursery rhymes from England and US. Only a few of them sound familiar to me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...mes_in_English
You could type them into Youtube to remember how they sound.

It does not have to be a nursery rhyme. It could be any goofy hop scotch / jump rope song or any song we learned when we were children -- like Jingle Bells.

You don't have to do all of this all at once.
One step at a time.

Remember:
You can wait until you see her again and talk about it first.
M.

Dear BJ,
I don't think that your tdoc said something on purpose to make you shiver.
She was probably trying to help.

But it seems that you have a lot of stuff hanging from the very end of the session. Does that happen often? -- that at the very end you get to stuff that bothers you the whole week?

Ask her to be more careful about that if it bothers you.

I like it when my tdoc kind of ends the session a few minutes early and then does a recap -- she summarizes what we have been over and gives me a chance to ask a question or reaffirm what we did.
Then I leave feeling complete for the moment.

But everyone has their own techniques and their own preferences.

M.

It's my fault we get rushed at the end of the session. I disassociate and then realize it's almost over and start talking. But she's always been there for me. If I get lost in something we're talking about, she doesn't leave me there - she knows how to pull me out and helps me to feel better/more stable. She reminds me that she is human and that she will make mistakes like everybody else.

She always tells me it’s not a negative that I am responsible for my own feelings and my own healing and that her job is to guide me. It is a positive because it gives me back the power that was stolen from me as a child
She's been more patient than I thought anyone could be and keeps working through the same fears over and over again.

If there is something painful to talk about, she tries to be very careful/gentle.

I really don't know what's right. I know it's supposed to be that you can say anything to your tdoc, and they will be ok with it and with you, but they are human, right?

And in some way I think this is not about her, it's about me trusting myself to share my experiences. But it IS about her -- she said it, it upset me.

I just want comfort, I guess -- not to feel so alone in my upset.

Dear BJ,

you are not alone in being upset by your pdoc. mine has upset me many times in the past. yes they are human. the important thing though, is to go back and talk about the upsetness openly. relate back the statement that hurt, and say ... what you said here... that it made you shiver. and what did she mean by that anyway?

you say you are afraid not to trust her... like if you challenge her, she might leave you? no. ain't gonna happen. nope. i'm not clairvoyant but i'd bet money, honestly.

in my case, there were some things that my therapist was taking too lightly - or appeared to. that or he was resisting them. it was VERY upsetting because they were VERY deep issues. also part of it, but not limited to that, were instances of taking calls in sessions. not always a problem, but sometimes very much so. now... i pained for weeks, cancelling appointments and not making new ones, on how to go about it. i felt it would be out of place to tell him how to run his practice/manage his phone! and to tell him i felt he was resisting a topic ... sure, i expressed it as my perception, but i was afraid to get stuck holding the "perception" ya know? and between the two, i was afraid of being abandoned, or told, take it or leave it.

when i finally talked to him, it was actually very simple. first, he confirmed his avoidant behavior. although unintentional, he said that i was deeply emotional when i came to that topic, and that he was probably not maintaining adequate internal distance; he admitted to feeling helpless. but he said that he hadn't realized how much it was affecting therapy, and he would work on that. i haven't had a problem with it since. as for the phone he said, oh does that bother you, i can turn it off. now, many of you reading may find it ludicrous for a pdoc to keep a phone on during session, but believe me, it cuts both ways - it is handy when you need to talk to him urgently but just briefly and he picks up when you call. and not all sessions are so intense as to not be able to handle the interruption. however, now, he sometimes asks me if he can take a call... i guess when he feels uncertain about my state. if we have "heavy work" on the horizon, he asks at the start of session if he should turn the phone off. sometimes - always if i show up in in bad shape - he just turns it off without asking.

in other words, yes, there were problems, and some were about him, but he owned them and did not abandon me, and adjusted his boundaries so he could help me better.

we have had several confrontations about several things over 5 years and, well... now we haven't had one in a while. but i still get times where he says something that leaves me perplexed... or scared... my mind goes places with it... and then i just go back and get clarification. it has always worked out positively. always.

i hope you will be as direct as you can with your counselor and i am willing to bet she will work with you. often, a simple clarification is all it takes. but it is important to make these "small" clarifications. they make your therapeutic relationship stronger.

good luck and s

back to my zoner-game so i can get snoozy soon.

~ waves ~

Dear BJ,
Do you feel safe when you are with the tdoc?
M.

I am so proud of you BJ,
THis is hard work that you are doing and you are worthy of this work.
Keep talking.....you are doing great.
(((((HUGS)))))
beth

Dear BJ,
Waves has wise words here.
It is good to kind of call the tdoc on what she is doing if it is getting in the way of your progress.


It's never your fault about how the time runs. The tdoc can control the time. Maybe you can ask her to do a better job. Tell her what you need during a session and what you need at the end.
Talk to her about how you would like things to run. Ask her if she can do that for you. Once she realizes that you are aware of the issue/s and that you have a desire for change, she can accommodate you.

M.

I have a great deal of paranoia whenever I'm around groups, but I feel very comfortable speaking to my tdoc and pdoc because I know I'm safe. I know neither of them will judge me nor expect me to do something I'm uncomfortable doing. I see my pdoc for 25-30 minutes which is plenty of time to discuss everything I need to. I see my tdoc for 55 minutes which doesn't always seem like enough time, but it's better than nothing.

My tdoc is very caring,compassionate, and gentle in her mannerisms and her therapeutic approach. I like my tdoc a lot but she always harps on the cuts on my arms, and then we have to discuss it, and I get tired of that.

I know therapy is hard work and once you do feel comfortable trusting a therapist (pdoc or tdoc) the hard work falls in your lap. A lot of times I feel worse after leaving a session but that means that therapy is working and that I am working in therapy. But the wait in between sessions is the hardest especially when you’ve been left hanging. Issues that were brought up in a session last week eat at me and I obsess about one statement I made or wanted to make and didn't or a statement she made to me, like she did. Therapy shouldn't, in my mind, stop when you walk out of the therapist's office.

I also know that I should have therapy to deal with some of the long term issues behind the depression if I want to continue to get better and stay better...some long term issues can't be controlled by me, so no amount of therapy can help except maybe better coping skills. How do you manage to really talk instead of 'putting on a front' like most of us do in day to day life? How the heck do you stop once you get started? I sure don't want to let it out, just to find out time's up and I have to go home and try dealing with the emotions on my own...blocking things out sometimes is the only way I've had the strength to make it through some days during the last year and ignore desperate urges.

I've been up all night working on my nursery rhyme. I won't put it here but I was surprised how many times I used the word "fear". I see her this afternoon and I hope she approves and appreciates my effort.