Dear BJ

it sounds as though you are keeping your therapist's promise for her and she is not really party to the reality of how you leave therapy. Might you talk to her about this breaking down afterwards... or simply let yourself break down before, so she can see what is going on in the context of therapy?

If she becomes aware her "promise" is not really working, she will perhaps be able to work with you to improve things, so you don't end up breaking down in your car.

I think it may still happen SOMETIMES. I occasionally leave therapy feeling worse than when i went in. Or start to feel worse about the session during the week that follows. For instance, things may only sink in "afterwards" so i will have a latent reaction, or occasionally i will feel the session was very incomplete, yet other times, i might feel "not heard." But MOST of the time that is not the case.

I hope you can find it in your heart to talk to your therapist about this. Feeling bad consistently after a session does not sound good to me. I think it is worth trying to resolve it with her.



~ waves ~

I met with my tdoc the other day and went over my nursery rhyme. I didn’t have the nerve to sing it to her so I just read it. It made her cry and it made me so uncomfortable. We were talking about getting to a point of "self worth" and she started to cry and said it was because she cared about me and wanted to help me and to see the good in all me, I can’t remember the rest.

I told her about not being able to remember what was said in the session because I’m not always “there”. So she agreed to write out notes for me to take home so I can review it myself. She doesn’t want me to write while I’m there because I need to stay present.

We talked about my emotions over the past week. We discussed mixed episodes in more detail and I informed her of the fact that I had 2 previous mixed episodes, but didn't realize it at the time since I was confused by my emotions and how it was possible to feel manic, depressed and tired at the same time. She told me how serious mixed episodes are due to the fact that when someone is manic and severely depressed at the same time, it can cause a great deal of anxiety which can be overwhelming and difficult to cope with. That's exactly how I felt during my episode last week. I said I'd rather feel manic or depressed, but not both at the same time. She said that I’m starting to feel real emotions that I haven’t felt before and it’s causing anxiety.

I then went onto explain that I can't stop thinking about the way my life used to be when I was actually happy and could laugh at just about anything. She said that I’m focusing too much on bipolar. Instead of focusing on the here and now, I’m thinking too much about how I feel, my cycling and my meds. She said every time I come there I’m talking about bipolar. I was confused by that because how could I not talk about it?

I have new homework and it doesn’t sound hard but it is. I'm supposed to journal every day, especially on what we discussed until I see her next week and she wants me to share it with a close friend. That’s the hard part because there is no one I can trust. But I honestly think we’re making progress. We have some major issues to deal with since the anniversary is approaching but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

Wow, Bj
It sounds like you are making true progress in your therapy.
I am glad that she is going to tkae some notes for you.
I am so proud of you for sticking with her and allowing her to get close to you....and you close to her.
It is obvious that she really cares about you.
It too am confused about her not wanting to talk about your bipolar when it effects everything that we do.
((((HUGS)))))
beth

I'm not sure its not more that she wants you to move away from the bipolar talk to something more. That you are someone very special and not just bipolar. I'm wondering if its more that to you being bipolar is bad.

Not sure if that it or not. Just a thought.

Donna

Dear BJ,
I'm not clear on what she means either.

But therapists often try to get us to focus on the here and now --- regardless of our problem. Learning to live in the here and now can be a good skill.


M.

For the past 2.5 years I've been trying to understand this disease and now that I'm finally able to feel something she tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. I didn’t ask for this disease but it’s what’s been thrown at me.

My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what she doesn't understand is I'm very uncomfortable doing this.

Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past. Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I feel about having bipolar?

I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but that was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it. But now I’m afraid that if I mention it her words will always be in the back of my mind.

We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.

Dear BJ,

You are right.
Tell her what you just said here.
These are valid concerns.

Print it out and bring it to the session.
Read it to her or hand it to her.

M.

excellant suggestion mari!

beth

She’s really confused me because I just don’t talk about being BP, I think anyway because I don’t remember a lot. During one session I may talk about my PTSD but in another, I’ll discuss bipolar. 80% of the time I've asked questions about bipolar, but now I'm finally reaching the point where I'm able to express how I feel about my diagnosis yet I am being told to focus on other things instead. I don't understand that logic because if I can't talk about the way I feel regarding my bipolar or the past, how can I move on?

I don't think she knows me in a social setting to where she could make such a judgment. I will admit that I was emotional at the time and that's why I took it more to heart than I normally would have done but I still don't think that was the right way to phrase it. Sometimes I feel that the wounds opened up in therapy will never be healed, that the pain Is overwhelming and will never stop, and I wonder why I opened all the doors I had closed so tight.

She really hurt my feelings last session. While it was going on everything seemed perfectly rational and I could understand where she was coming from. Once I started thinking about it after the session though, I started to feel attacked and condescended to and I cried for at least an hour and started to get scared because I have in my head that this is the start of her abandoning me when I'm going to need her the most. A lot of painful memories the next couple weeks and and I'm determined not to start the downhill slide I always do this time of year.

I am glad that you are determined to not slide this time of the year.
anniversaries are always hard.
She is not going to abandon you.
please don't worry about that.
She is with you thru the long road....that is if you will let her.
In my opinion....You really ought to tell her how your last session went.
Has she already started taking some notes for you or is that next time?
This could help clarify things when you get home.
I am rooting for you.
Being bipolar is one of the most challenging disorders that I face. It is a struggle to get others to appreciate how hard it is.
((((HUGS))))
beth