I am in such a conundrum (had to look that word up for (sp?) and definition...lol). You know how when you are having a good day and some one catches you on that day, you will almost say yes to anything, because you fell good (well maybe only I do this), well I did do this. My pampered chef consultant got me on a good day. I scheduled a cooking show with her for this Friday. Thing is this week hasn't been good. I had a 24-36 hour flu or something on Sunday and Monday. Today I look around my house, and while I am up, I have noticed things that haven't been cleaned in my house for probably 6 months. Parents know, kids hand prints on the walls and glass windows, looks like my dust could be good ole "southern lace", my baseboards need washed, rooms need vacuumed, etc.

This project is to much for me to handle right now. It looks gigantic. I know that comes with the depression as much as it does with anything, so do I cancel my party. I have 5 people who have responded as coming. I could tell them just to order online.

I guess more than anything I just wanted to post because I am so stressed out to see my house look like it does. It makes me cry that I let things get this out of hand, but yet I don't feel like I can do anything about it. What a waste of life...

M

((((((M)))))),



I know what that feels like. I've been fighting depression most of my life. Finally pretty much got a handle on it thanks to Prozac and menopause.

I've been in one for the past few months, though, and my house could probably compete with yours for "House of Year".

The house doesn't really have anything to do with the cooking show. That's the thing that's got you kicked to the curb, I'll bet.

Obviously, you're a good cook (I'm not ) so you've got a good place to start.

Question?? Do you decide the content of the show, or does the other person?? How about you doing a show about comfort foods?? Foods from your childhood that you can prepare 'quickly' and 'cheaply' (read, inexpensively) when you're feeling down or depressed or sick with the flu or with a broken leg??

You see, *M*, you're looking at this whole week from the bottom of the pit. I know what that's like -- over 50 years of feeling depressed and assorted suicide attempts (failed, thanks be to G-d).

Leave everything else out of what you're looking at. And re-frame how you look at the cooking show. Rather than seeing it as some hateful thing that you would only choose to do if you were in a good mood and 'felt like it'. How about looking at the cooking show as something that you're good at, something that benefits other people, something that is 'fun' to you, AND, most importantly -->> something that will help lift you up out of the depression because it will be something that you 'finish' and something that you 'accomplish'.

Now, as for the house, the only reason my place got cleaned up the least little bit over the weekend was because my toilet got backed up and the plumber had to be called. My place was so bad, I was ashamed to have the plumber see it -- even though he looks at crap all day

A couple of little 'tricks' that help me:

(1) Go watch TV (soaps or Animal Planet works for me), when the commercials come on, do ONE small thing: load up the dishwasher, wipe down the counter in the bathroom, clean off one table, go through the papers on your desk and throw the trash out. Rinse-and-repeat
(2) Choose something small to put things in (a shoebox, a laundry basket, a dishpan). Pile things into the container that you've chosen and put that container-ful away. Then set your kitchen timer for 10-15-30 minutes and go do something like read a romance novel or watch TV. When the timer goes off, do one more container of stuff.
(3) If doesn't ALL have to be done today -- it took days to accumulate -- you can take days to un-accumulate. Even if you only put one shoebox worth of stuff away, you're in a better place today than yesterday.

Talk to your family doctor or primary care physician or psychiatrist (if you have one) and tell him/her that you're in a pit and you're having trouble coping. The drugs that they have now work pretty quickly. There's no reason for anyone to suffer with depression any longer. The drugs don't have to be taken forever -- I was in the Prozac studies 22 years ago. I took Prozac for over 15 years. During the total of 15 years that I was taking it, I went off and back on several times. Sometimes, I felt like it wasn't working any longer (so I took a holiday); other times I felt like I didn't need it.

I know how rotten it is to suffer depression. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I wish that you weren't feeling like that.

The ONE THING that I've learned through a lifetime of fighting this crap is that accomplishments help you feel better. So ... any little thing that you can FINISH will give you that feeling of accomplishment which will translate into feeling better.

Now, get yourself a piece of paper and a pencil and figure out HOW you can do the show on Friday with the least number of steps, the least amount of effort. Like I said, if you do the show with viewpoint of cooking for someone that's not feeling so hot, you'll be passing on a lesson that's absolutely NEEDED. And, I know you'll better when it's done.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

PS: Buy yourself some flowers, too. The scent helps to cover up odors

for understanding Barb. I have been on Cymbalta for over 2 years and it works well for me. But I have my days, as we all do. I too have been suffering from depression for a long time. It has been at least 20 years, but mine started as a child, as did my many suicide attempts.

I guess what really has me today is the fact that my house is so "not my house". I, the person I really am, would not let it get this bad. When I asked my husband why he didn't tell me that the house was this bad, he said "well you always say the house needs cleaned, it's a mess, so I thought you knew". I explained to him that that meant the usual cleaning of the house, not the baseboards, walls, windows, etc. I explained to him that depressed people only can see so much, at least in my case. I don't look at what my house looks like on a daily basis. I only did today because I seem to be feeling better since they have a control on my migraines, seizures, fibro, still working on CFS and "probable MS". But I haven't felt this good for years. Until I looked at my house of course. My DH is very understanding and he (like most who don't experience depression) just needs to be told how we see things. Once told, he helps me. Today of course he had to go to work and I was left alone thinking I had to take on this big task and it just overwhelmed.

Have I done anything about it yet? Nope. I just stare at my kitchen walls and floor and cry. I see the clothes in the laundry basket that need folded and iron and I walk past them.

I will hope for a better day tomorrow...

M

((((((M)))))),

You still "iron" -- good-ness -- I gave that up years ago

I only do my laundry about once a month. We've got a laundry room with 10 machines.

My back is such a piece of junk that I can't stand long enough to fold everything. I've tried sitting in the laundry room and folding. That works. But, who the heck wants to sit in the laundry room for hours.

Now, what I do is bring the laundry upstairs and sit on my bed (again, watching TV -- don't know how I could survive without soaps and Animal Planet!!) and fold while I'm watching television.

I take Effexor XR (which is chemically the same as Cymbalta). It doesn't work that great for me on the depression; but, it works exceptionally well on the fibro pain and the neuropathy in my hands and feet from a blood condition, and the compressed spinal cord in my neck.

My son tells me I should be sent back to the manufacturer on a "warranty recall" I'm tell him the warranty ran out years ago and the factory's discontinued production of this particular model (no replacement parts available)

When I was working I had a cleaning person (actually a team -- a guy and his wife and his brother). They used to come in and clean everything -- windows, take all the books out of the bookcases and dust (I have hundreds and hundreds of books). He'd even ask for more to do. So, I used to leave a list -- one week take everything out of the kitchen cupboards. Another week, something else. I am SO TEMPTED to get him to come back. But, I can't really afford it on a SSDI check. I know how overwhelming it gets. You don't do and you don't do because you CAN'T do. When you finally get a little energy -- everything just looks so overwhelming.

I'm not married anymore so everything is my responsibility. Would it help you if you and husband got together and decided to do just one thing each weekend?? Maybe clean some windows or paint a wall. I know when I was married, the work went much faster when my husband was there to help. Although, he was a treasure -- he knew how to do laundry and iron clothes and clean spectacularly

I hope you feel better, ((((((M)))))), I know what a horrible, lonely, depressing place depression is to be in. I'll be glad when they find CURES for things like this and fibro and a lot of the other diseases that are sapping the energy and the creativity out of the country.

Make yourself some tea in a pretty cup and sit down and think on this: you're not a horrible person because your house is dirty. Give yourself the love and respect that you would give someone else that was having a hard time coping.

Oh, I just thought of something. Could you swap tasks with someone -- a neighbor. Could you trade maybe baby-sitting for cleaning or straightening up?? Just a thought. Sometimes if we're unable to do one thing, we can do something else instead.

At least you're not alone in this ((((((M)))))). There are a lot of us who struggle with the same sorts of problems and wish you well and pray for you. I truly hope that you feel the support and the healing thoughts and prayers that surround you

Hugs.

Barb

Oh gosh, you guys. Darn it, I just hate that we could ever feel depressed, much less for such long periods of time or so seriously.

((((((((Barb))))))))

(((((((((Hurts)))))))))

I loved Barb's idea about watching telly to clean. I just LOVED it. That is such a good idea. It's so easy to do something during a commercial. I am so eager to get back that I do things really quickly, so it seems much more easy than when I tarry over something.

But the other neat thing about it, is that for me because of nerve damage I have to rest a lot in order to do things... so the telly thing is a bit like scheduling the necessary rest.

When I was a teenager I used to write poetry near a train trestle and I always thought about walking out to meet the train, the only thing that kept me from doing it was that I would think that if they found my poetry after I died that way they wouldn't take it seriously.

Just before I got tetanus I told my therapist all the things I remembered from when I was a child... and she said it sounded like I was abused. I think that's why my mother was always angry at me. She always said it was my fault her marriage was ruined.

I think it's hard to hear good things when there are such loud bad things in our memories.

I think the bad things suffocate us and push down our natural buoyancy.

It's interesting to me, now that I'm having similar problems to when I tried to kill myself in 1997, I'm not feeling like killing myself at all. And I'm pretty sure it's because of the huge amounts of B12 I've had.

I'm sure it's different for different people.

But for me, B12 shots made/make all the difference. When there's a lot of stress I don't see as well, literally I don't see as well. And I get nose bleeds, and I can suddenly feel depressed. When that happens I feel as if it's something different than my B12 being low, and sometimes it takes me hours to give myself a shot because I don't believe it will help.

But it always does.

I know that many people don't believe the results can be that rapid.

I know that a lot of people can't imagine having a B12 shot a day, and feeling the absence of one when I don't have it on a given day.

I'm just saying....

To view your ecard, choose click on the following link:
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.

I love this card, it's not exactly sunny... but it's a favorite of mine...

To view your ecard, click on the following link:
http://www.americangreetings.com/eca...y&source=ag999

Karen,

Thank you so much for the e-cards. They were very thoughtful and very nice.
Thanks for all your help as well.

M

(((((((M)))))))

I know that cards don't make a difference when things are overwhelming...

maybe for a minute.

I sure wish you could get the stress reduced...

I face the same thing ...

stress

and it's so ... draining.

Did I mention B12? I try to always remember to mention it. But sometimes I forget. It helped me a lot.

((((((((((M)))))))))

I know how you feel, and if/when you decide to get medical help--and some of it is VERY good--do not under any circumstances let the doctor prescribe Effexor or Effexor XR. It may be a decent antidepressant, but you'll put on weight, and worse, when you get better and decide to get off it, the withdrawal is worse than the reasons you started taking it in the first place. Most doctors don't acknowledge these problems, and either put you back on it or prescribe another drug. I'm desperately trying to get off this poison now--I found this site by looking up info on Magnesium Malate, which someone suggested might help with the withdrawal.

A therapist once told me when I was going through what you're dealing with to "just move the muscles." Her point was, you may not feel much like doing something, so go through the motions, and you'll feel better for having tried and accomplished only a tiny bit. I found that to be very helpful to me.

Bless you and hang in there.