"Cog in the machine"


Probably the worst way of looking at life, but I dont know how people sometimes cannot feel this way. A lot of people would call me lazy, with a poor attitude and work ethic. I see it differently, obviously, I dont understand the point of it all. That is what gets to me the most, the grind of life, to share the same fate in the end as everyone else. I feel like a robot, except for the fact that I have more hope for myself in some kind of afterlife than I do in finding some kind of balance in todays world.

That is my biggest problem, I really cant imagine working the next 40+50 years of my life, probably at a job ill hate, to just pay bills and make the government happy. Possibly buy pretty little toys to bolster my image of self worth, but that is not me at all. I feel hollow and cold, and yet I dont feel bad about it, I feel like this should be normal.

Lately I've been having the strangest dreams, I would almost call them out of body experiences, or lucid dreams perhaps. They are so real to me, it's as if my dreams are becoming the reality I actually spend awake and alert in. This in part doesn't help me cope with all the confusion either, it actually makes me question death and suicide more.

I never was a religious guy, I almost wish I were at some point, I just have a hard time believing in a puppet master pulling all the strings. I would say I am spiritual, to some depth. I believe in... things I cannot even explain in words here, things I have learned from experience.

This is hard to talk about, there is a lot more id rather explain or say but I don't really know how. At this point in life, Death sounds more Exciting than life itself. I have great friends, great family, I know great people. But in the end we bleed the same red blood. I look at death kind of like one would look at reaching the stars, the sky, your imagination, the possibilities seem endless, exciting even.

My name is Ryan, and I am completely lost in this world. I've come here to talk, in hopes that talking makes things easier, something or someone to relate with.

I wouldn't think less of anyone who looks at this as pathetic.

Dear Bola,

Back in the late 'seventies, some psychologists developed the theory of, "Depressive Realism". The theory is that normal people have a skewed perspective on life which leads them to believe, despite the contrary evidence, that there is importance and meaning to their lives. It is the Depressives who have an objective view of reality which accounts for their depression.

Nevertheless, clinical depression is a pathological state, however realistic it may be. If you are prescribed the appropriate drugs by a psychiatrist, you may be able to enjoy your life on a daily basis while still understanding, cognitively, that it is meaningless.

Cordially,
highhatsize

I was put on paxil in the past, it's hard to say if it really helped or not, but the doctors eventually took me off it. After moving to Texas everything has become worse, and now they have me on 1mg Clonazepam. They help me enjoy life a bit more, but the thought of having to swallow pills the rest of my life scares me to death. I have friends who have taken the same things I have, and they can no longer function as a human without them. I can function, I can put on a pretty face no matter what the pain is inside me, or confusion. I have no insurance either, so being able to afford any kind of medication is killing me. I'd love to seek out other kinds of therapy, I just wouldn't know how to pay for such things, as I have other issues regarding my finances as well.

Thanks for being the lone responder, I've been trying to get the ball rolling it just takes so much more than what I have to offer.

So I take it one day at a time.

Hi Ryan:
I sense by the use of your verbage, that something that might help you is a sense of deep purpose and in turn this would give your life not only meaning but would help you to feel unique in an otherwise dull world.

Have you made a list of your priorities? Does anything stand out in your mind? Does anything make you smile just to think about it? Sometimes these things don't come to us immediately or even naturally. WE have to experiment trial and error to find our path. For example, try different hobbies on for size.

One thing that really helped me during times of questioning like you are doing is reading self help books on self esteem, resiliance, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc.

A really good book to read is "Man's Search for Meaning."

Wishing you well.

I think I know the kind of feelings you're talking about. Or at least some of them. The same sort of feelings plague me, too. I don't feel like I have any real purpose in life now. I've been searching and reaching out, but I can't seem to grasp anything substantial. I am not a suicidal person, but I think a lot about how it would be if I were killed in an accident or something. Sometimes I even wish it woud happen. It seems the only time I am happy is when I'm with my eleven-year-old daughter, and that happens less and less all the time, as her mother doesn't want me to influence her too much.

Life is such a strange thing. On the one hand it's filled with miracles, and on the other it seems so uninteresting because nothing ever seems to change. Heck, we are miracles ourselves, but because there are seven billion of us, a single life doesn't seem as important to some people any more. I do believe in God, but not the God that the church has created to gain power for themselves. I don't believe that God sits in Heaven and pulls our strings. And there are many other different thoughts I have which I won't mention here.

I don't believe that life is necessarily meant to be enjoyed. That's the icing on the cake, and we don't all have the icing. You wouldn't believe the hours I've spent trying to copy other people or do what they suggest to make me a happier person. What they don't realize is that I'm not chronically unhappy, it's just that I'm not really happy, either. Like you said, it's complicated, and finding the right words is extremely difficult sometimes. And this is a difficult subject.

If you would like to, I would be happy to discuss some things further by e-mail or PMs right here on NeuroTalk. I feel that you have a way of thinking that is very similar to mine, and a lot of the same questions and feeling of emptiness. Take care of yourself, Ryan, and good luck to you. I hope you find what it is that you are looking for.

Dear Bola,

Clonazepam is a tranquilizer in the same family as Xanax. It isn't an antidepressant. You really need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist but that seems beyond your financial reach. Walmart now sells Paxil in generic form for four dollars a month.

Paxil worked for me dramatically in the past at a very high dosage, (90mg./mo.). It had no overt effect on my affect, it just stopped me from being depressed. It is necessary, however, to take it every day. Currently, I take regular dosage Lexapro that works even better.

Cordially,

Sorry for taking so long to respond to all of your words, I have been busy trying to keep myself... busy. I got a job and everything has been working out for me, except that I cant sleep for more than an hour at night.

The good news is now I finally have a source of stable income, and soon will be able to apply for a health package. Hopefully this means the cost to pursue medical help will go down dramatically, and maybe that will get me on the path to a happier better life.

I'll try to write more later in the coming days, right now I need to focus on getting more than an hour of sleep at night or else I'll really go crazy.

Thank you all.

Hi Ryan... I'd hardly look at this as pathetic, just a search for a reason to live. I think we all at times in our lives have those same feelings...why bother? what's it all about? yada yada

I survived those times and on hindsight, it was because I expressed what I was feeling and people reached down and gave me hope that the future might be better...

I know for sure that the times I have felt "good" about how things were going in my life, were the times I was doing volunteer work...pushing wheelchairs at the hospital, reading to people in the nursing home, serving breakfast at the Rescue Mission...blah blah blah. *grin

This isn't about me my friend but about things you might try, that might make you feel better about yourself.

And one thing you don't want to do is get me started on the subject of suicide....I never shut up!

Welcome to the forums....talk to us.

I want you to know that I read your first post some time back. I spent a lot of time framing a response and then deleted it. Sorry about that. I know it is important to be able to get a response when you are looking for help. And I am really happy to see that others here are trying to help. Alffe has some really good things to add as do others. Finding meaning in life and a reason to go on is really important.
I have been on quite a few anti-depressants. There was a time when they did get me through. I also understand not wanting to deal with side effects. Sometimes that is necessary though, as that is better than the alternative, in my opinion anyway. Now, I can't take antidepressants as I am allergic to them and also very sensitive to them. So I find other ways to deal with it.
I have also spent some time on clonazepam. You might want to check out a Dr. Ashton, I believe that is her name. She has clinics in the UK. If you are interested in her work I will take the time to look it up for you. It took me a year to get off of this medication and I am the better for it. I also know of others who have had major problems with it exacerbating their depressive symptoms.
I really do believe that we are all here for a reason. I don't believe that human life is just by chance. And I also understand the feelings of not wanting to go on, for whatever reasons. And I am really hoping that you can find some help, some meaning in your life, and some desire to fight for it.