[KittyLady]

And the pain meds aren't working. Lower back pain is making it hard to walk and now I have pain in my arch in my foot which is spreading up my into my leg which is making walking almost impossible. Doc is on vaca and nurse told me to go to ER but I have no insurance and Im still paying off my last ER trip!! Seems my prayers aren't being heard to give me relief.

I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. The pain will stop then! And I won't be a burden to my family any more. My oldest daughter is not speaking to me again appearantly because I talk too much! True story, she says she doesn't have that much time for me. I asked her for 5 minutes and she wouldn't even call me for that. My other dd says she has to make sure she has at least a good 30-45 to talk to me cuz I talk and talk and talk.....

I have 3 kids and not one of them called me to wish me a happy turkey day. I can feel the MS progression worsening. They all know that. Apperantly, a chronically ill mother is no big deal to them. So, between the physical pain and the emotional pain, Im just done. I look at all the pills I take and get tempted sometimes. I don't know what stops me. I just know with all the pain Im in, Im so tired of crying myself to sleep at night waiting for the meds to kick in, and when I do finally fall asleep, then I will have to roll over or something and it'll wake me up and I'll be screaming in pain again. Im so tired of it. Come to find out, my medicare doesn't kick in til April, not February like I thought. Just keeps getting better.

[SallyC]

So sorry for your horrible pain Kitty.

My DD hates to talk to me on the phone, the little twerp... And I
really don't like to talk on the phone, so we agreed to text. Works
out great. She doesn't have to listen to my blabbing on and on and
I don't have to hear her dissaproving/condescending tone.

[Erika]

I'm so sorry that you are in such pain, KittyLady. To have such severe and unrelenting physical pain is bad enough, but to have the emotional pain as well...it is understandable that you feel the way that you do.

When we are exhausted from the physical Sx, when we feel that we are having to deal with so much on our own, we really need the support of others, and that often means talking. What we talk about isn't always to do with our experiences with this stupid disease either. Some times, we just need to talk to feel reality again, or to distract our minds from our physical situation and limitations. What a shame that your daughters have not understood that.

You know that we are here for you, but is there an MS support group in your area that you can contact? Maybe someone can be a phone buddy or can come round to your home for visits.

I know that your husband is a dear man who does support you, but it does sound like you might benefit from having a few new friends as well that you can talk to, either in person or on the phone.
You shouldn't be dealing with all that you are, alone.

I have one friend who I am so thankful for, and although she doesn't have MS, she really does understand. She checks in on me via emails and by phone almost daily, comes over when I'm in a rough patch to visit and while here she insists on doing things that need doing around the house, and just does them. She has even taken my dog for his walks so that he needn't go to the trainers when I am not well, and will sit for hours over tea to just visit and chat.

I unexpectedly fell asleep in my chair not long ago while she was visiting. She had left the room to use the washroom, and when I awoke an hour later, she was still here, happily reading a book.
Today she came with me to do the shopping that I needed to do, as she has done many other times; and got me laughing about the absurd behavior of some people. She really is a God send.

I know that you love your daughters and that they love you, but perhaps what you need right now is a true friend, rather than your daughters to lean on.

I'm really hoping and praying that you find someone like my friend...and that your pain on all levels subsides.

Please say that you'll look into it. If not through an MS support group, then perhaps a congregation or faith that you have an affiliation with?

With love, Erika

[Lynn]

Hey KittyLady

How my heart aches (and breaks) to read your post - I wish I had some wonderful gem of wisdom to share and make your burden a little lighter.

Ericka has written you a beautiful post with some great ideas in it, and Sal too - I hope there is something in these that can help you.

Thinking of you and sending giant hugs

[Sparky10]

I'm so sorry for your pain, KittyLady, all the forms. While I can't identify (only commiserate) with how you feel, I can sort of give you a view of how those around you feel.

My boyfriend is in constant lower back pain from an old work injury. It is no where near the intensity you experience; at least, I don't think it is. He doesn't talk about it. He describes his many sleepless nights as, "Can't get comfortable". Does that mean horrible pain or exactly what he says? I have no idea.

I wish I could help him. I feel helpless. Maybe your kids feel helpless. Maybe they don't want to talk because it makes them realize they can't help, not realizing that just talking helps.

I wish you peace, KittyLady.

[Kitty]

Are you taking any sort of anti-depressant? Sometimes those can help with the pain.

I hope and pray that you find some relief from your pain. Wish there was more I could do.

My oldest son told me once that me having MS made him mad. He said it was a helpless feeling to see me struggling and not be able to do anything to help. Maybe that's what your daughter is feeling?

I do hope you feel better this weekend.

[SallyC]

How are you feeling today Kittylady? Any better? I hope so.
Just thinking about you and trying to send good vibes to you.

[Erika]

Sparky and Kitty,
It seems that others feeling helpless and even angry, often turn out to be very true.

I know that when my late husband and I got together and I eventually told him that I had MS, that he had little idea what that could mean with respect to our future. I was in remission then and he said that he was perfectly fine with the potentials when I explained it to him.

A couple of years after we were married, I went into a major flare to the point where I needed two crutches and assistance to get dressed.
One night, he crawled into bed, snuggled up to me and whispered into my ear "I know that you are scared, but you need to know that I am too..."

It was one of the sweetest times that we had together. We accepted each other's feelings and learned to talk about them that night.
I learned that his emotions troubled him and that he did feel helpless.

Him revealing his fears and his sense of helplessness opened the door for me to care for his emotional needs, and that made me feel good.
Even though the body was going through its thing, loving and caring about him gave me a sense of purpose, when most other things did not.
It gave me the strength to allow maintaining my Independence to be less important, and I encouraged him to help me do things like get dressed, bathe and even walk. That gave him a stronger sense of love and purpose in return.

Over the years I have had friendships dwindle away, family members become distant and acquaintances outright avoid me. I know that it is not because of something offensive that I have done, but is due to their own emotions and their not wanting to feel them.

Some have come to understand and work with that, and we have resumed contact with each other. With others, I hope and pray that they eventually will so as to alleviate their own suffering, but in the mean time, I take comfort in knowing that there are many (like all of those here), who can and will extend companionship and support, despite their fears, sadness, anger and sense of helplessness.

KittyLady, I wish, hope and pray that a friend comes your way who has the strength to accept their emotions; who does not feel the need to suppress them, but instead allows, shares and maybe even celebrates them for what they are...that which makes a well rounded, compassionate and loving human being

With love, Erika

[KittyLady]

I will try to answer everybody's ?s. I am on anti d's. Not a very high dose I don't think as my doc told me. My dh is scared for me right now too. My walking is leaving me slowly, I can feel it. Its getting slower and harder to walk and more painful too. I left it in my oldest dd's hands, I told her I will no longer beg for her attention. I told her obviously 5 minutes is too much for her, so she knows my phone number, she can call me. I'll never hear from her this I know.

My other dd, she always calls about 2x a week and now I keep an eye on the clock and cut it off at 15 to 20 minutes or less if I catch myself sooner. DD says "oh, are you sure?" and I say yep I am busy and have to do this or that. Im learning to make up excuses. My son doesn't answer his phone so I call but don't leave messages as he never checks them anyway. My hands are not as nimble (if that's even the right word) as they were a few months ago and so texting is getting harder for me to do.

Even typing is getting harder. Fingers are so stiff. Oldest dd wants me to do nothing but text and I tell her I can't well that just ends a conversation quick. 2nd dd understands and is now calling all the time. At least one gets it. We are moving back to IN this coming April to be closer to family. I keep telling dh what's the point? Well, at least we'll be close to the dd that understands and talks to me a lot. I told dh I want to leave her all my stuff in my will because she's the only one showing me she cares.

That's how frustrated and angry I am at the other two. Im still really down right now. Maybe a blade of grass higher than my original post, so not feeling much better. But I do want to thank all of you for your kind thoughts and words of encouragement. It will sink in, but the pain is out weighing every thing right now.

[SallyC]

Tell your Doc you need a better AD!!
Really..