[jana82]

Hi
I am new to this forum. Im not sure if I have come to the right place but Im in desperate need for some help or advice.

My husband was diagnosed with a giant (39mm x41mm) cerebral aneurysm from communicating artery. It has been almost 3 years since he had endovascular stent diversion. He has been going for regular checkups and every time was given good news that the aneurysm is shrinking. It has now completely gone. However his behavior has been getting increasingly verbal and has now reached violence. He does not recognize any of the behavior and everyone has given up on him. I have a 6 year old son with him ( who was 2years old at the time of diagnosis) He was a good man before this and has now become a stranger, we have separated since last year but as there is no one else he keeps coming back. I can see he is in much need of help and feel a responsibility to help but do not know how to help him when he refuses to believe that there is anything wrong as tests show it is gone and they keep telling him 'Good as new' I have showed him plenty of proof but it is not working. I have called the hospital and they tell me it is up to him to see a GP, but he wont because they tell him results are good. Im worried about what could happen to him if he does not get an assessment done to see what is happening.
If anyone has been through something similar or could offer advice in any way to get him to have the assessment I would be very grateful.

Thanks

[Jomar]

Number one thing is keep your child & yourself safe...

I don't know if anyone might be able to record or video him in the violent state of mind?

Then play it back to him later, and also perhaps show it to his drs so they know something is wrong...
Maybe the part of the brain that affects his emotions, or lack of control, was the part that was involved in the procedure.

And perhaps something is not really 100% fixed, or some other area might have been damaged?? Might need an independent opinion..from someone other than the drs that did the procedure.

[Darlene]

Hello and welcome, happy to see you have come to be with us, it a great place to be. As you can see we have a great number and caring fellow members here, where you have find a supportive and relaxing place. Have fun looking into the different forums. Our shoulders are here for support in many ways.

Please keep us up to date on your condition. Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Darlene

[jana82]

Thank you for your reply. Yes im starting to come to terms with my husband is no longer the same person and hanging in there is just delaying our lives. I still feel theres a part of me that still loves him. We planned to have a family together and then this happened and now im left all alone to raise our son. But things have gotten so crazy that it seems to be a loosing battle. I have confronted him and so has family but they have given up as he as attacked everyone. He has said he will go to the hospital if given proof. We gave proof but still does not acknowledge any of it. ( i managed to get half a voice recording and my counsellor said he is robotic and continues talking but is not listening). It is very hard to get a recording of him as you dont know when its going to happen. He goes quiet for a while and just when you think he is calm he will walk by with an insult. If you dont react he will take it further if you ignore he will take it too far (which is hard to control after relentless insults) then you defend yourself and he says dont yell as a way to turn the whole thing around onto me. But then you think it would end there but he does it all through the night too. He wont let me sleep and i cant ignore him. Yet if i tell him about it he will deny it happened or say ' i had to get those thoughts out of your head'. I am so confused by him that at times i feel he is deliberatly trying to make me crazy. I have been seeing a psychologist for myself and asked him to get counselling. He said no i am the one that needs it. Everyone has told me to give up on him but because of our son i am tied to him. I really wish there was a way for him to get checked out by an assessment but no one is helping me do that. Dont the doctors have a duty of care to explain the type of damage and recovery options? We were told your not disabled go home and your all fixed. Yet when i called them she tells me its for him to seek help obviously he cant cos there is too much damage ( which they also shouldve told us but did not it was all kept a secret)





QUOTE=Jo*mar;1163525]Number one thing is keep your child & yourself safe...

I don't know if anyone might be able to record or video him in the violent state of mind?

Then play it back to him later, and also perhaps show it to his drs so they know something is wrong...
Maybe the part of the brain that affects his emotions, or lack of control, was the part that was involved in the procedure.

And perhaps something is not really 100% fixed, or some other area might have been damaged?? Might need an independent opinion..from someone other than the drs that did the procedure.[/QUOTE]

[jana82]

Thanks Darlene for welcoming me. Ive never done this kindof thing before so still trying to work it all out. I appreciate your message and nice to know there is support out there. Much appreciated.

[DejaVu]

Hi Jana82,

I am sorry for all you are going through.

I have limited time to comment this morning, However, wanted to respond.

If you are in the U.S., the new HIPPA regulations make it very difficult to communicate with a spouse's doctor. Under the regulations, a doctor cannot talk to you about your spouse without your spouse's expressed permission.

There is a way to get through though.

Any doctor can LISTEN to you and to your concerns.
You may ask to speak to your husband's GP. Let staff know it's emergent.
If you are told to speak with the doctor's nurse, enlist the nurse's help. Explain, in detail, and ask for help.

If this fails, write a letter to the doctor, explaining your concerns and ask for his/her help. Certify the letter, return receipt requested. (The post office will help you with this if help is needed.)

Your calls to the GP should become a part of your husband's chart. If not, for any reason, your "official" letter will become a part of his chart and will show you have, again, asked for help.

If the GP offers an appointment, will your husband attend?

Here is another option, which may help your husband accept some help: If your husband becomes abusive/violent, call the police. I realize this may be a difficult thing to do, yet you say you are exhausted and have tried to get help for him and he refuses. You have related his family has given up. You and your child need to be safe. Your husband also needs to be safe and not escalating into doing something for which everyone may be very sorry. This is a protective measure for all three of you and also stresses the very serious nature of what's going on. (You may then explain the history to the police and to a judge or social worker, etc.)

If you feel you need police intervention, you may also go to the police station and tell them you need help. You may leave your child with a trusted friend/family and then go to the police station. They will talk with you and will tell you your options. There is often less trauma to children if handled this way, if possible to handle it this way. (Yet, please do not hesitate to call police in any emergent situation.)

If you need assistance, you may call upon Legal Aid, if it's available in your area. An attorney there may be able to help advise you.

Your local Domestic Violence hotline may be helpful in supporting you as you deal with this very difficult situation. They also often have a safe house where you and your child can go while the situation is being resolved, should you need a place.

Above all, keep your child and yourself safe.

My heart goes out to you.


DejaVu

P.S. If your husband has made any threats of harm to himself and/or others, please also make these known to his doctor and/or the police (if you ever need to call the police). Helpers need to keep all three of you safe.
If the police intervene, they need to know in order to keep everyone safe as they try to assist.

[DejaVu]

Hi Jana,

I had another thought --

If your husband is receiving care in a health care system, there may be a "Patient Advocacy" office. The advocates listen to patients and/or to their families re: concerns about care. The advocates either intervene or contact someone else able to help you and your husband. (For instance, an advocate might tell your concerns/story to the Neurology/Neurosurgery Chair Person and they may want to see your husband for further evaluation.)

Most likely, any success with an advocate would be contingent upon your husband's willingness to attend an appointment, should someone want to see him.

With Concern,
DejaVu

[jana82]

Hi Dejavu
Thankyou for your time this morning I do appreciate it.
I am in Australia so not really sure about how it works over here. I have already called the police a few months ago because i thought they could help. He go physical with me (first time) grabed me pushed me into the wall ( because i had asked him to not talk to me at night anymore) i was scared didnt know what else to do so i called the police. They took out an Avo and charged him With assault. They told me its up to him to seek help they only care about keeping me and my son safe. We went to court and i spoke to domestic violence advocacy. They gave me the number for the brain institute and i got some fact sheets from them ( wouldve been nice to have gotten this info at the time he came out of surgery) then i realised its not domestic violence more that he doesnt recognise what he is doing. When i asked him why he reacted like that he said you attacked me. Looking in his eyes he is convinced i had attacked him.i can tell he is convinced he did not do any wrong. After speaking to the brain institute they told me yes he wouldve felt like that and it is a common thing to happen and that if i get my husband to call them the can explain and get the assesment done to see how much damage there is. I told him he wont call but they cannot call him. He has to make the first move. Again another dead end. In the meantime hes been living with his brother (who he loves) but ive noticed everythjng that was happening to me is now happening to his brother. His brother yells alot for no reason letting neighbours hear whats going on. That hes being insulted and wants to move out of his own home and live with strangers.... i know all of this i have been there so i tend to believe that my husband is behaving eratically over there and his brothers not coping... but when i ask he tells me his brother keeps yelling and hes just minding his own business. I know something is very wrong. This is not normal. Ive been told to call the crisis mental health line at the hospital but they will take him away and i know how much that will affect him and his life but im starting to feel i have no choice. I called the neurosurgry but sounds like they want nothing to do with it as there job is done. My last hope is to go to the gp and tell them whats happening i think if they send a letter out with an appointment he will go if he thinks its to do with his scans. But not sure if they are willing to do that. I moved away last year so to get to his gp is quiet hard now. Do you think if i go to my own gp they would liase with his?

[DejaVu]

Hi Jana,

I apologize, I have been out at appointments all day today.
I had left a lot of info because I knew I would be away today. I hope the info wasn't too overwhelming.

It sounds like you have done a lot to try to make something helpful happen.

After your husband was arrested, did the police and/or judge ask questions of you? I was hoping a judge would look into things a bit and recommend further evaluation, in order to help all of you. I am sorry the police/court did not look into this and see that your husband needs help.

The goal, as you know well, is to make sure everyone is safe and to try to get your husband to comply with further evaluation and help from medical specialists.

Your GP may be able to help directly and/or may be able to advise you as to your options. Many GPs do help families sort out medical issues. Your GP knows the systems and likely knows some of the options. I think it may be quite helpful to talk with your GP.

The mental health service may also give you helpful advice. I totally understand your hesitation to involve the mental health service. However, many times, these crisis services respond to help people with conditions affecting the brain. I am not sure how crisis services work in Australia. In my area of the U.S. crisis workers are very well-trained special people, doing this type of work because they want to help. They usually show a lot of understanding and compassion. Maybe they will talk with you about your options and how they can and cannot help you and your husband?

I am glad you and your child are safe.

It also sounds like your husband is safe at his brother's even though they are having a rough time. I am glad he is safe, too.

Ideally, everyone would be safe and your husband would get help. That's still the goal, as long as nobody gets hurt.

Has the whole family gotten together, all at once, to encourage him to get help?

Do you have support? Family, friends, a therapist?

You care about your husband's welfare and his behavior is frightening.
You know he needs help and he does not realize he needs help.
It sounds like he's lacking insight (due to brain changes).

Please be cautious, as it seems his behavior is unpredictable and gets physical. Remain mindful of this if/when you are around him. Ideally, there will be no behaviors causing harm or an arrest. (Yet, please do call the police if you need help.)

This must be very difficult for you.
Anxiety-provoking. Frustrating. Heart-breaking.

I am hoping your GP can help to advise you.
I am also hoping the crisis mental health services can advise you.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.


DejaVu

[jana82]

Hi Dejavu,

I thank you so much for your reply. I understand you are busy and once again appreciate your advice.

firstly with the police and court I really got no where they told me that there are issues there ( he was saying some strange things to them)but they told me its not there department than can only press charges ( this does not help us at all) when we went to court I had brought he hospital paper work for his surgery but never got a chance to say anything except to the domestic violence advocacy and she seems to think it is very much an issue related to his condition. the police said he needs to be seen by a doctor for mental health reasons to get out of the charge ( but he refused as there is nothing wrong with his mental state I am the crazy one) my dad suggested going to a psychologist for marriage counseling prior to court to show that he is trying to fix his behavior and I got so close. I found a counseller he called him and agreed we will do this the counselor was supposed to call back with an appointment but never did and so another dead end.
the court could not help they said we will be ok if we get counseling that was it.
I tired an intervention last year with his brother. his mum and dad live overseas have been since he was 20 years old he has a brother in another state and his younger one lived 5 min away. we spent all of our time with his brother but when things got crazy ( he called the police on me told them I was crazy) then blamed me for getting the police involved. we sat down with his brother and I told him you know whats been going on you need to tell him its not right and somethings wrong he will listen to you. The brother turned around and told me actually I don't think he has done anything wrong and stoping you from taking our son to school is the right thing to do. Therefore my husband believed his actions were justified by his brother agreeing. after that he becoming so irrational claiming I was suicidal threatening to call the school and tell them im crazy and scared etc and he did.. so I took our son and left. problem is I had to pull my son out of school as I had to move to my mums 45 min away from his school. I called his mum told her what happened she said she will talk to him so me and our son can come home. 2 days later she calls me and says I cant get in the middle of this. ( my husband accused her of betraying him and siding with me. after this I had applied for a rental used all my money to secure it ( had to pay 6months rent in advance because I have been a stay at home mum for 6years and no income. I was granted the property and moved me and my son got him into a new school and my son was doing so well. his parents came back end of year to get us back together but coped it from him and they ended up telling him to go to the hospital but they were so scared of him that they literally said it and ran off. ( he told me this) they went back overseas and out of site out of mind for them. He moved back with me after giving notice to our last realestate and started to act badly again walking around threatening violence but when I asked why he says (don't tell anyone that I could go to jail for that convinced it never happened) obviously after 4 days of hearing that and then him pushing me I called the police. since then hes been with his brother and suddenly me and my son have been treated amazingly well. But his brother not so much. until last week it got physical with his brother (punch up) and he has come back here. he said his brother attacked him. I don't believe but he is convinced he was attacked and told me he will never forgive his brother for this. I tried to be calm but he started blaming me for hisbrothers behavior and that I put these thoughts in his head. his brother kept telling him 'now I know what your wife meant' he told him you need to go to the hospital this isn't normal.... but now im worried. I am the only one left that's as far as family go they have abandoned him. if we don't talk he is fine he is a very hard worker hes like a work horse he means well but its not coming across and when there is a discussion it takes forever for him to make his point I cant wait 1 week to hear him say whats wrong. he expects me to sit down 8 yrs and talk day after day ( he told his brother forget work tomorrow we can talk all night) its just too hard and im not coping I need to give my time to my son he is only 6years old and needs help with school that is my job....

Also I took your advice and called the GP they were somewhat helpful she told me maybe it doesn't have to do with the aneurysm and its a mental health issue... she put on the system to see psychologist... I don't know how that is going to go down next time he goes in or how much care they are going to put in to breaking this news to him. if they don't care I know he wont take it seriously. I will try to see if I can see my own gp and maybe they can send a letter out to him or something more immediate. he had a referral for seizures but never went to get checked. I think maybe your right and I should call the crisis line and see what other options there could be for us.
I feel such pain for my husband to see him in this state of confusion. the registra during his last check up told him if you feel confused or if your spouse tells you your personality has changed to come back to the hospital. he said he feels fine and those are her issues...
but lately he has had trouble sleeping and a loud noise in his head he went to the GP and they sent him to an ear specialist, the ear specialist told him its not your ears so he told them about the aneurysm he said he will look at the files but once again came back not related?? I just don't understand why no one is sending him to get the assessment it shouldn't be this hard...
then one night he called me and told me I think I need to go to the hospital something happened last night and I felt very confused ( I don't know what happened) I told him maybe you should go just to make sure then he asked if he could come over to see us I said ok and he felt 'happy' here and all his confusion went away. So part of him knows somethings not right. but theres also a block there to seek help.

my apologies for such a long message I think I am partly venting my frustration at this situation. I just want us to be a family yet it is proving so difficult and not being pushed in the right directions by the health system. I have recently seen a scan of his brain from when diagnosed and he looks as though he has a golf ball in the front of the brain. why didn't the doctors take this more serious considering we had a young child at the time?? I feel so let down. And I don't have a whole lot of family support he was my rock

Once again I thank you for your response and kind words it has helped me feel not so alone. Reply whenever you can I don't want to cause you any stress
Thanks again