Hello every one,
everybody has been so helpful and I want to start by saying thank you. Now I could really use some advice.my dilemma is this, my wife and I have been married for 8 years now, we just celebrated our 8th anniversary on april 29th.well until recently she didn't voice her opinion on my condition but lately she has been opinionated to say the least.she dosnt understand anything about RSD or what I go through from day to day.up until this last year I was the one working and she was a stay at home mom but with my flare ups I've been unable to work.btw I'm a mechanic by trade.now she has been the one working and I've been at home.I don't know what to tell her or how to explain to her what's going on.I've taken her to my dr appointments and even told her about this site but I don't think she gets it.I love my wife and wish there was some way I could get her to understand so if anyone has any pearls of wisdom I would be eternally grateful I'm just out of ideas.thank you in advance

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I don't know that I am in any way qualified to give advice about this since I haven't really been in this situation...but I can tell you a little bit about how my boyfriend and I deal with my RSD (we live together and it has been 9 years now that we've been together).

I don't know that my boyfriend understands RSD any more than your wife. He completely 100% accepts that when I can't do something, I can't, and when I have limitations that they are real...but RSD is so hard to REALLY grasp. I don't really understand it...but I FEEL it so it that sense I definitely "get it". He understands the basic concepts of it like I do but honestly we don't talk about it. I know for some people that may seem strange but the best gift my boyfriend has given me is that he still treats me like a normal person and we never make an issue out of the fact that I have RSD. It has given me a lot of strength and I think helped me from falling into a depression....gives me something to fight for.

He knows when I am having a particularly bad day and does things to help out without asking. Things have been tough this last year with me unable to work and now with work not allowing me to come back but we are working through the financial stuff and it hasn't affected our relationship at all except to maybe make us closer.

For me...it is less important that he UNDERSTANDS RSD and what I am going through and more important that he is supportive, compassionate, and that we are getting through this TOGETHER. I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

Everyone's relationships are different though and if you need something more from your wife or she needs something more from you, then you need to talk about it. Letting things build up on the inside and getting frustrated with one another is very very bad (not saying this is what you are going through...just making the general statement). In my opinion, when you are in a relationship you need to go through things together and not seperately. So really sit down and talk with her openly and honestly about everything. You and her may both need to say and hear things you don't want to...but it's really the only way to sort things out.

i am new to this but i can say my husband has always been the breadwinner i have always done everything for him the kids the house and animals, now he and the children have to take responsibility for everything. they include me like with shopping, they push the cart i point or say what we need and they get it. i have read a few things that helped. one is the spoon theory on butyoudontlooksick google it maybe you should find find it? i know it is facebook as well. also i found some very useful info here that helps. its hard because no one completely understands. i recently updated my facebook status with i hate crps, my father wrote back something about me being a whimp cuz my mother just had knee replacement surgry and i had to man up....grrr i hate what people say sometimes!

its a good idea to make a quiet time to sit and talk with the wife. Make sure the kids are washed and in bed. the dishes are over, and you are not distracted by ringing phones or farmvilles that need attention. Set a date or ask her on a date.

Tell her how much you appreciate her being able to go back to work, and how helpful that has been to allow you time to heal, and adjust to your new life of having a chronic disease. You have notice that she seems frustrated, upset, or overwhelmed with all of her new responsibilities as much as you are stressed and over whelmed by the changing of roles. You wanted to take the time out to really thank her, and allow some question and answer time. Ask her flat out "what can I do to make your situation better? If I can, i will try." That statement right there will go miles further than the "whats wrong with you!? im the sick one here!" As tempting as it is to start off with a rant or a whine, if you do that, you wont get to what her real concerns or issues are.

She may have felt it was her beloved role to stay home and raise children, and now being forced to go to work is doing something that she didnt want, nor does she like, but she does it to put food on the table. She needs a pat on the back for that. If she is feeling that you are just staying home because you are not trying hard enough (a lot of spouses feel that way with invisible diseases) then this needs to be addressed. Ask what you can do to help her understand. Does she want to go to the MD with you and hear what they say? Does she want to be included more or less in your care?

You both have been thru the wringer lately. Sometimes it takes a while for you both to settle into your new roles that you have been forced into. Can you do any side work? tune a neighbors car for cash? fix a junker and sell it for cash? or is the extent of your RSD so bad you are stuck in the house? Money issues are the first thing to trigger my hubby, and he will go into deep worry.

im hoping you and the wife can work this out. communication is so important. If you cant get her to communicate you have other choices to make. give her a hug and see if you can get her to open up.

Not to say that this video even begins to cover everything RSD means, it did help some people gain a bit more insight into what I go through:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luQKgR6iWy8 <-- not sure if I did that right, or if its okay that I posted it - so if it doesnt show here go to youtube, search RSD Awareness and find the video titled 'What if...' I've watched a lot of awareness videos, but this one is one of my favs. I've had people that I've spent a lot of time trying to explain what I go through to yet I know they didnt even begin to grasp it, because when I posted this video on facebook I had so many of them shocked, upset, and very suddenly wanting to help me in anyway they can! Although the video doesnt say anything I havent said! Kinda weird! Good luck!

Fattieratties, I'm going to assume, so don't take offense.
My wife has suffered with RSD for 10 years. To this day she insists I think she is over doing it, lying, pretending...on and on. In reality I know she has RSD, without a doubt. Me being a guy, her being shy, I supposed to be able to read her mind, but for the life of me, after 30 years of marriage I still can't. I've told her over and over again that I'm not in your shoes, I can not even imagine the pain you are in. You must tell me when you are feeling very bad otherwise I might assume.

Another words communication is so important and sometimes its hard to convey the pain that you feel. Being a male I'm sure this can be very difficult. Hang in there, there will be a cure soon.

Thank you for you help and giving me a different point of view.I think sometimes I get so overwhelmed with what I'm going through that I don't see how my wife is feeling or what she is going through.I'm gonna try some of the things you've suggested.thank you all for you advice

There are many psych issues for both us and our loved ones regarding RSD. If you haven't had the opportunity to see a therapist personally, or as a couple, I think it can be incredibly helpful.

Being dependent physically and finacially can complicate the balance of power in a relationship. Utilize whatever resources you can to minimize this imbalance, if possible. (Does your state offer free personal aides? Have you applied for SSDI? Etc.)