I don't know what the right answer is so please don't go by what I'm saying. It's just my opinion. I think it's a very personal decision that everyone should make on their own. I do know that the saying "don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes" has applied to my life on more than one occasion. There were people I've judged in the past for doing things that I said I would never do, only to find myself in their position later in my life making the same decisions they made. Then I understood why they did what they did and tried to stop judging after that. I never thought I would even consider the topic we are talking about here until I got rsd, but the pain is so bad sometimes, like right now that it's keeping me up in the middle of the night. I don't know how much longer I can take it. It's horrible and terrifies me. Yes, it also scares me to think of my afterlife. I want to believe there's a heaven and that I will be able to go there someday to see my loved ones who have since past. I don't want to compromise that either, but I also believe God is good and merciful and that I hope He would understand and forgive me if I made a decision that would end my suffering. I don't want to leave my loved ones here on earth either though. The thought of having my son and husband live with fact that I did something like that makes me not want to end my suffering. Because then they would suffer the rest of their lives. I'm trying to endure the pain more for their sakes, then for mine. But I don't know how much more pain I can take. I hope we never get to that point and that a cure is found. Maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe then we won't have to worry about making that decision. I just don't know. Right now I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, until I may have to walk that final mile with this disease. From my past experiences, I suppose that only then I will truly know what decision I will ultimately end up making for myself.

Oh Renee...we all carry so much guilt, don't we? We feel so responsible for everything, even the things out of our control

The despair at times like that - middle of the night and everyone else in the world seems to be asleep without the dreadful pain and fear - is overwhelming. I hooe you are feeling a little better now and more hopeful

No one can blame another for their thoughts, and I truly believe that at the ultimate lowest point in life, when all hope has gone, someone making that ultimate decision will not have done so lightly. And their family need to know that.

Earlier this year, after I had that heart episode and felt so appalling for a couple of days, there was a point where I truly thought I was close to it taking me. I did a voice recording for my family, and it was the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever done, really thinking about what I could say, how to express things you can't even bear to think about. It was truly awful, BUT a really good experience too in a funny way, because even in the depths of fear and despair, it made me think about all the important, amazing things I still wanted to be see, all the people I wanted to be around, and how much I didn't want it to happen.

If I ever get to the point of considering suicide, my life would be bleak and feel hopeless, but I would do a recording again, and I think I would know from that experience whether the scales were still up or down for me. For a rational person, I think that is a true test. No one doubts that we love our families, but if life itself becomes so dreadful for us that we feel we have no other choice than to say goodbye, then that is our decision alone to make. And at least the people who matter would know our thoughts, and not forever wonder.

A famous somebody once wrote that we are born alone, and we die alone. I think that's true in a way. When my pain gets really REALLY bad, I cannot even hear another voice, or respond, or be aware of anything except what my body is screaming at me. It's a terrible isolation. I can sort of see how in that final moment, you might not be able to think of anything except ending the pain.

If I heard of any long-term pain patient ending their life, I would just be terribly sad for them that they had suffered so much that they felt they had no other choice. I would be sad for their family and friends too, but I would hope that they could in time understand why it had happened.

I take responsibility for my actions, whatever they are. It's all you can do.

Have a decent day everyone, and thank you all for this discussion, and letting people speak freely. You're all fab and I feel lucky to kind of know you

Bram.

Hi Bram, Thanks for sharing your thoughts too. I'm sorry you got to a point so low that you were considering ending your pain and suffering. I think that the tape recording idea is a good idea if one ever does consider this option. I'm glad you are still here and decided against it for your families sake and your own. Plus I never would have known you then, and that would have been sad for me because I consider you a good friend. I do understand the guilt that keeps us going and all the things we still want to live for. Even in our suffering it somehow sometimes keeps us going. I don't know if it always will for me, but I hope that my family will understand if I make that decision. I will do some kind of recording so that they will hopefully understand why I did what I did. But like I told everyone else, I don't want to influence anyone. I don't know what's right. I just know that the thought has crossed my mind and can't honestly say that it won't again. Only time will tell. Maybe if I get to that lowest point of my life, I may decide to carry on. I just don't know. I'm thankfully not there yet. My thoughts are with you always. And I want to say again how I appreciate all of your views. I have learned something from each one of you and it has helped me to grow and feel less alone. I hope again I haven't offended anyone. And I hope that if someone doesn't agree with my views that they still know that I still respect theirs and consider them good friends too. After all we're still in this rsd boat together. I hope you have a better day today too.

Just wanted to clarify Renee - I have never considered suicide for real, I only ever thought about it as part of the process of realising that there might come a time when i would consider it if things got really bad... I made the tape when I thought that I was in real danger of my heart giving out earlier this year when I had heart spasms from the CRPS - and I mentioned that IF I ever had to seek a way out myself, I would leave a recording so that people would have an answer to the 'why' question.

Bram.

Sorry for the misunderstanding Bram. I too have not considered suicide, but have also wondered what I will do if my rsd gets the best of me. Thanks for clarifying. I think I'm going to stop commenting on this thread though. I started it wanting to know if anyone was scared of rsd killing them, and somehow it got into the subject of suicide and it's starting to freak me out. I really didn't want to go there with this, but somehow it did get started. It's too depressing and even though I feel like crap today, I want to just stop thinking about it for a while and watch some football. (Let's Go Giants!). Thanks again for all of your comments and I hope you all have a good night.

No problem Renee

Hope you're feeling a bit better tomorrow, and that you get some sleep tonight. Take care of yourself.

Bram.

PS - I said the quote "if you walked a mile in my shoes" today and shortly thereafter there was a sermon on church tv saying the same thing. But then it went on to say that we shouldn't judge but should just love. And then it said that even though we don't agree on things and think others are making a mistake, we should try to lovingly help them see the light. I can't help but think this was a sign from God. Maybe we should understand why we feel that we want to the pain to end, but maybe, like Tessa said, we have to find some good in the bad and try to carry on even though it hurts so much. I think the Big Guy upstairs was trying to tell me something. I'm sorry if I'm being a flip flopper but I think I'm going to have to agree with Tessa and try to fight this and try to live not think of dying. I don't want to die and I don't want anyone else to think about dying or suicide or any other termination of life. I don't even watch church tv, it just happened to be on and I really think it was a sign. So I hope you all forgive me for saying that I'm pro choice. I am changing that to I'm pro life. It's just my opinion but I hope you all someday feel the same way. I just don't get good vibes about being so negative. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I've just changed my mind. Thanks for listening and take care. PSS - The Giant's Won Today!! That's another sign to me that miracles can happen!!!