It's been a really bad week for reasons I don't need to go into. After days of basically being bedridden most of the day, I finally managed to make it two miles down the road to the grocery store to get some food. I also have POTS and nearly passed out in the grocery store. I was horrified that that almost happened. Earlier in the week, I fell in the neurologist's office getting off the exam table, went reeling, knocked over a chair and cut my arm. You can imagine how happy they were over the libility. I had to lie in my car for an hour before I could return home. I felt like a spectacle. I hate being sick in public. I'm nearly a recluse as it is.

Finally, what set me off, was as I left the grocery store, I saw a man pushing a woman in a wheel chair. They seemed like a couple. They were laughing and talking. I thought about how my husband had left me unexpectedly after 32 years and married a girl 25 years younger than him. How I am all alone and sick and broken forever and this all started after he left. How very sad and heartbroken I still am. And why couldn't he have loved me like that, no matter what? I burst into tears. I suddenly just wanted the right to feel sorry for myself. Without thinking of how lucky I am. How there are others so much worse off. Of the exhaustion of trying to find the positive of everything. Of trying so hard to figure out what all is wrong with me and how to help the drs help me. Or how I can proactively help myself.

I just wanted to be sad and sorry for myself. Isn't that ok? Don't we get to have that for ourselves now and again?

I don't want people to cheer me up. I wish they would tell me they feel this too. And they think it's okay for them, and me. Or even good to let it happen sometimes.


Denise

Denise,

It is ok, and yes, we too have similar stories and thoughts. This disease is so very difficult to deal with and for anyone to think that we must have 100% positive attitude all of the time...? Well, they just don't understand the complexity of this disease or how difficult it is to be the bearer of this disease.

We definitely understand you. We "Get it!" And one more thing, It is ok for this to happen some of the time!!! I hope your arm heals quickly. You are in my prayers.

Denise,
Yes, I do feel that way too sometimes. It is exhausting some days to keep a positive attitude when it feels like the world is crumbling around you. It sounds like you have had a horrible week. That makes it even harder to fight to stay positive. Somedays I think it does help to just feel how you feel, then you put yourself back together and get on with life. This is true for most people CRPS or not. You're just human like the rest of us. Hope for better tomorrows. ~mac

I am so sorry you had such a rotten week. That business with falling would've set anybody off. As if going to the neurologist isn't stressful enough. Getting hurt and feeling like a spectacle isn't fun at all.
And then the grocery store couple after that? No wonder you were triggered. It is a real loss which requires real grieving. How could you not feel sad? I feel sorry for myself just thinking about how it would've been going through that.

I get sad too, Denise. Even with all the gains I have made I am sometimes just so tired of it and wish my foot wouldn't hurt at all, not any, zilch, nada. And you know me with my Pollyanna attitude. Periodic grieving is just something we have to do. I think it's healthy to give it a voice and acknowledge it. Holding in tears never helped anybody, it's bound to mess up your sinuses or something.

I hope you have a better week coming up. I am sending thoughts of peace and comfort, as well as many hugs,

Dear Denise,
Not only is it OK, I really do think it is necessary.
Who can endure daily pain and disabilities of all sorts and always be positive.
I know personally, I have to force myself to be positive or would be in a black mood all the time. Being positive all the time, in light of what we all endure is a very heavy load to carry.

When I am really low, I give myself a day, or two, where I completely unplug from the world, never get out of my pj's and robe, don't answer the phone, don't get the mail, eat whatever I want, and take as many meds as I need to feel more comfortable. I get my IPAD and watch Netflix movies all day and allow myself to just feel shi$$y. My cats always seem to catch on and join me in bed.

You had a lousy time of it lately and deserve some self pity days and are
definitely not alone in how you are feeling.
You also exhibit a lot of courage to say so because I have a feeling many people here feel the same way.

Here's to better days Denise,
Diandra

I think throwing oneself a pity party every now and then is in everyone's arsenal for coping in life. No matter where one falls on the spectrum of life's troubles and suffering, there will always be people on both sides, better off, and worse.

It matters NOT where one falls on the spectrum, everyone is entitled to feel sad about their own plight from time to time. Not only do I think it is normal, I think it is also beneficial at times. As long as we see it for what it is, .... a temporary pity party, and we don't get stuck there, then have yourself a really good pity party. And when it is done, you will rise up and continue your fight to live your life the best you can under whatever your circumstances.

I wonder why we feel so humiliated when we exhibit our physical limitations in public, but we do. I limit my trips to the grocery store to about once a month since they cause so much pain. There have been times when I had to sit on the floor in the aisle of the grocery and dodge and hope I was not run over by others with their grocery carts. People would walk by and just look at me OR they wouldn't even see me and almost run over me with their grocery basket. Not only was I embarrassed, but was also amazed at how little anyone cared. No one bothered to ask if I needed help.

It is not always just the physical pain that we deal with but the emotional pain that we experience, too. When you start to stack a lot of things upon each other, as happened to you recently, there is no other way to cope with it all but to have a good old fashioned pity party. Never apologize for taking your own needs and feelings into consideration. They are valid and justified. As long as you don't stay too long at the party, those pity parties can be helpful.

Just my opinion.

Denise,

Sometimes it is too much, too damn much, which is why I watch rom coms and avoid deep thought. After more than a decade of caring for my very old parents I thought my life would begin again, instead I have been clawing my way out of pretty deep ditch, so what you are feeling resonates with me.

I call myself the snail, because I move slowly and carefully out of fear! LOL My friends used to call me "gangbusters and mountain goat," because I was speedy and surefooted.

After my echocardiogram last week I managed to make it through three aisles in the grocery story and then I nearly passed out at the checkout counter, because I could not easily stand in one place.

I have no sage advice to offer you, only to be here and commiserate with you. This is a difficult passage. It simply sucks out loud.

Bravo! Exceptionally Great Post! Thank you for this. I can relate!

We all have to allow ourselves these sorts of days. It is so exhausting fighting this condition and keeping that positive outlook on things...and eventually you just get drained and have nothing left in the tank. That's usually when I take some time to let it all go and have my pity party. Allowing myself to do this is important...otherwise I couldn't keep up the fight the other 90% of the time.

Thank you so much for all of your eloquent and heartfelt replies. It helps to know I'm not alone.

Denise