just checking to see how you are doing, and to see if you have found that you can replace your oral meds with the meds within the implant?
anyway i hope all is well and you are finding a balance between comfort and existence that has been lacking in recent years.
i hope you enjoyed a little turkey for thanksgiving...at this point i cant eat very much without hitting that wall in which my stomach feels like i swallowed a bowling ball...but at least i can eat a little and feel like i belong at the table with everyone else.
anyway i hope this finds you well and enjoying life

The trial has been postponed until after I meet with my doc again (Jan 11).

After reading here that a liver enzyme test might be possible before the trial, I called the hospital and learned that one would be done. What with just having learned that my liver is enlarged, I didn't want to travel 150 miles just to learn there is a problem and be sent home, so I asked if the doc could order the test be done locally. It was done Nov 22.

On Nov 23, the local hospital called and said more tests had been scheduled, and could I come in today? I said no. She tried to tell me how important these tests could be, but I'm not interested in learning how damaged my liver may have become after 28 years of opiates.

I am not interested in doing anything to fix the damage or what will happen if it isn't fixed. I only want to find out whether the trial can begin despite the results of the test that has been done. My doc understands that I have no desire to do anything to extend my life, and I'm hoping he will decide to go ahead with the trial on the assumption that I will suffer less cumulative damage with the pump than with the oxycodone I now take. He knows that without pain relief, I cannot tolerate the pain. so there is no chance he would stop prescribing oxy no matter how much damage it might do.

As I said before, I don't want or need pity. I really don't need to be told that there may be ways to mitigate the liver damage I may have already suffered: I have no desire to do anything that might extend my life.

(Five years ago I began to experience pain in my chest and left arm; I took three vicoprofen, poured a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette, and waited for what would happen next. I think that tells you how I feel).

I am not suicidal. I realize how suicide affects families, and will not end my life because I'm not happy with it; I will let nature take its course. There is a difference.

I hope that I'm making too much of that lab test, but I can't help but suspect that my extremely low energy, weight loss, and just feeling on the edge of being nauseaus and not well could be related to something I've expected for years. I know better than to tell people who care about me not to worry, you will. All I can do is say that I'm ok with whatever happens.

I will post again after talking to my doc...Vic

I was wondering how you were my friend. I just PM'd you before I saw this.

I am sorry that you are going through so much. I do know what you are saying about extending life though. I have always said I wouldn't do anything to extend mine if I ended up with something like Cancer or other problems intestinal.

You know my story. I have been suicidal since I was about 8 years old so that's why I have lived in councelling for over 8 years and it doesn't do anything for me wanting to do as you said, extend my life. With councelling though it helps with the suicidal thoughts and dealing with the everyday stress that I go through. I laid in bed this morning and thinking about how I have lost 12 relatives in 8 years. Now my older brother has cancer. It never seems to let up on the depression there.

Like you though, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am ok with where I am at today in my mess as I call it. What gets me is the little extra problems we end up with along with the major ones.

I do hope that you start feeling better and I hope that you can get the pump. I have no ideal how that will work. I hope they will do it for you and I am thinking they might. I have heard that they have done it for people with cancer so it might just be a go for you my friend.

Anyway, I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Ada

Vic,
I was reading you post, and some replies, and was so happy to see by your second post that your spirits seemed to be lifted somewhat. I could so relate to your first post and have been going through a tough time in the last few weeks and feeling fed up with it all, and really angry about having to go back on methadone again...but out of the blue a random act of kindness by a complete stranger touched my soul and has given me strength where I felt like I had none.
I know it is hard pouring out feelings and venting, but I think this is a really healthy place to do that. We all face this monster RSD each in our own way, but the beauty of a forum like this is that it does give us a place to talk about it..where others will understand. I know I spend so much of my life trying to hide and downplay pain, that it is nice to have a place to 'tell it like it is'.
I believe that there are living angels out there and that sometimes we are lucky enough to come across them. When the pain and the problems get bad it is hard to have faith in ourselves and our purpose here in life...but if we can find it, it is what keeps us going. Hang in there, and I hope you get some answers soon, and some relief as well.
Gentle huggs
Kimberly

Hi Vic.
I Have Not Posted In Months, But I Just Got Off The Phone With My Hip Sister Sue Who Had Her Scs Out, And We Were Talking About You! And So I Came On To Read What Is Going On In Your Life.
I Guess Meds Do A Tune On All Of Us. I Have What My Doctor Says Is A 'virgin Liver' Which Means It Does Not Process Anything Well, And Greatly Limits My Ability To Take Oral Medications, And I Have The Opposite Problem From You In That I Have Trouble Losing The Weight. But The Point Is, If In Time I Need More Pain Medication, It Would Probably Be In The Form Of A Direct 'med To Pain' Pump.
So I Am Hoping Things Go Well, And You Get The Pump, And Then As You Get Off The Oral Junk, You May Have An Easier Time With The Liver ...
You Are Invited To Vent Anytime. And I, Like So Many Others, Am So Thankful For All The Information You Have Shared, And Made Us Think About, Over The Year Or So I Have Been Here. You Are An Asset, And I Hope, Selfishly, That You Are Around For A Long Time ... But Comfortably .... And I Will Pray That You Have Many Nights Of 8 Hours Of Sleep!
Happiest Of Holidays Vic, Joan