I just so often fail to take time for or ask for help myself at home.
I can't even pray.

It has been all the effort in the world to function. To provide the basics even touch what others expect when I have the energy to fill a thimball,

DH employer closed in Feb. I was laid off last year but have been doing some consulting work. I spend hours at night searching the web for the postings, applying and sending resumes for both of us. We are carrying our own medical now. cobra assist is done and I was not eligible I had to pick up the medicare.

Then our bank allowed several unauthorized transactions on our account and will not credit them, they told me to go after the company that did it????
It caused $5oo in over drafts and twice that in fees. Our entire months earnings went in to cover this problem and no money for bills.

So dh transfers 401K money for the mortgage and asked if it cleared tonight, he went and got more cig's and beer.

We can not even afford him to do this, if he at least cut down......let alone being home and staying up all night drinking and smoking it is more them double. He does not care, does not get it....He is getting mean, on me about the house work, every word I say how I say it. challanges me, Puffs his chest and his nose goes up superior and I just sit with tears rolling. He does not care who he does this in front of. Even on the phone.

Well, I spent 4 hours a night on his medical applications, searched for a CA pharmacy to get our meds in generic, typed a CV so I could apply for a proffessional license, saved the attorneys fee by preparing the Affidavit and Petition myself, took the passport size photos to save the money, and when I could not find the controler for the TV he said why don't "YOU" clean!

He swept the floor once, wiped it with swifter once, put dishes out of dishwasher a few times, washed pots a few times, ummmmmmm that is it. In 5 months....
Today he stayed up all night, flipped out when there were power unsurges, the power was decreasing, He wakes me up yelling about it, I said call the power company. He got so PO'd that all day he is on my case and has me in tears. At 10:30 tonight he was calling the cable company because of the poor quality saying, I pay to have cable I dam=n well should have quality to watch. Yelled at them, then got off the cell phone and told me while talking to "switch over when they call back" . He just raised cain with them and wanted me to stop my call and take it? He went to bed.

I need to get my update to medicare part D I had prior perscription plan, I have to get the fax for the bond out asap, I have to print his 20+ pages for medical coverage eligibility. Still waiting for 7 months a neuro app for ds for his seizures and the dh says, I am retireing send ds out to work!

Really if the PCP has him off until they can control seizures, and I am the one that witnesses them how dare him say that!

I don't know why I am burdening anyone with this, except if something happens and I really do break under it all, that at least some friends here will know something is wrong.

I have such burden and loss and not a dang person in this house has compassion to me, the kids are healing, I can't do it all for them. At least the adult parent that is suppose to help us could.....

I swear, being off work has made him unacceptable to live with.
It is making me ill,
The best night sleep I had and relaxed I felt was when I had an accident with glass breaking in my face and ended up in the hospital overnight a few weeks ago.

Tonight instead of praying I want to yell up in the sky to God to help me, help me. I am a failure, I have no one to help <ME

Sometimes I think it is not me that is the problem, he needs to get help and stop tearing me apart because he is so miserable.
I can't take it. I can't do it one more day.......

honey needs hugs......