OK, so I was not born yesterday, or even the day before that or the few decades before that, but I am touched by Untitled Hymn, a song I was privileged to sing for the funeral of a dear friend recently. That notion that each of us is a "Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die" who may not make it but for coming to Jesus. Brings tears to my eyes every time. Perhaps because those lyrics so parallel my own life to date. So, I chose to "come to Jesus, and live." And sure, in my doctoral studies, and the path down that direction, I studied each of the authors and works mentioned and a good many more. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, for me it is reaching out in faith that has saved me time and time again.

I reckon when it came time to give my SCS device a name, it was my out and out faith which prompted the crew to suggest I name my device Praise Jesus, or as I initialized it PJ. Just that way for me....... just that way.

Peace and blessings,
Mark56 PJ

Well, of course I had to go look...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_hV8L65Rqo

Just beautiful! thanks Mark.

Alffe ...... and Mark

Just when i finally got myself 'together' and 'collected'.......
Bring on the waterfall!!

Tom ~
For what it's worth and just so you know....
Today I was at a service sitting next to my husband listening to an inspirational message, which just so happened to be entitled "Staying 'WITH IT' When You 'Feel Unnecessary'"
Well, I won't keep it a secret.....YOU were all over my heart as I was scratching down notes.......
- Life has passed you by?
- Feeling Unnecessary....Useless.....Insignificant...... 'small'
- Insecurities, Failures
- Bound up by these ideals......Isolation

- What is 'stopping' you? Thoughtlife.....
- Bitterness, Hopelessness, Negativity.......Pain

The above were some of the bullet-points that were addressed.
And many of those points coincide with some of the very words you used to describe yourself in one of your posts....
'My life, Meaningless, Incredibly Small, Speck of Dirt, No Importance, Useless,
Single grain of dirt/pebble'......

And when David responded to you by describing a single pebble being dropped in an ocean, and the ripple-effect, waves...... (That was beautiful David)...... I was deeply touched by this

And as the message came full circle today, it basically was implying that these are the aspects of our lives that are 'shaping' us.
It really spoke volumes. It took me back to where I was in this thoughtlife (just 2 short years ago) and the most significant part about 'my' circumstance was that I simply hated what I had become.
Nor did I have the 'energy' it took to even try to turn my way of thinking around.
I did not care anymore.
I was 'done'.
Fed Up.
Tired.

I had to 'Re-negotiate' my way back
I needed to get on higher ground
I needed to be able to get past this way of thinking
I needed to be able to 'like myself' again

I still had great ambitions and desires in life
but i was simply tired of the fight......

"STICK WITH IT"
......You can be taken farther than you can even imagine -
Open yourself up to this.....and once you get on that higher ground, you can (and will) be used as a wonderful example and testimony to others.....

That was the message.

I stuffed all these words in my 'left pocket' and came running home like the kid who won the 'golden ticket' in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.....

In my heart and thru my eyes, I see 'YOU' as that Golden Ticket, Tom.

Later, my friend -
Rae

No one is insignificant. Oh that there was a roof through which we could cut a hole and lower Tom before the Lord on a pallet....... Tom is significant. Tom, your words of wisdom, of insight, of contemplation belie your self worth. That my prayers for you could be sufficient to direct His glance in your way, I pray. I have a friend, also a friend in Jesus, who has interstitial fibrosis........ told he would live maybe six more months. I met him well over six months ago, and now his O2 numbers are on the increase. Prayer? Possibly. Significance, definitely. His name is Jeff. I tell him I fully expect him to be around another 5, 10, 15 years despite what the respiratory specialists were telling him [and they are astounded by his improvement for a disease which known to them brings only less and less and then death]. He looks and sounds now like someone who knows and has hope.

No one is insignificant, not even me, not even Rae, not even Alffe, nor Melody [I, too, love that name], nor David, nor Jeff, the friend of whom I write..... no, not even Tom who is 66 and has a condition I do not understand fully but who needs help of all of us and our Lord. How about it?

I'm doing it..... doing it now..... making that hole in the roof.
Mark56 PJ

Hello, Addy: Thanks for your latest installment. You can be my agent any old time! And the beautiful part of it is, 15% of nothing = , ahhhh, well, I never was good at math; I'll have to ask the friendly neighborhood 12-year-old.

As for "Wild Thing" fans, check out http://www.my-generation.org.uk/Troggs/wildthing.htm

Yes, Rae makes everybody laugh. Not a bad deal, don't you think? I was on occasion a wit myself, albeit only half a one.

Bestest, Tom

Mark and Alffe and Rae and Addy: such marvelous posts, one and all! If only I could jump through the screen and hug you! Google and Microsoft -- there's your latest challenge.

Lyrics to Mark's song:

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

I like the fact that the song is untitled. The listerner or reader is left to fill in the blank.

I am religious in a spiritual, not formal, sense. I read The New Testament in the 1980s -- all of it, without discussing it witlh anybody. Jesus says over and over, "Oh ye, of so little faith." It struck me that was his message -- NOT if you don't believe in God you'll go to hell. In fact, nowhere could I find that punishment in his words (maybe, I missed them). Faith, in whatever you say and do, even if it is not of a strictly religious nature (could be just fixing your car or taking a test), is fundamental: I find it impossible to seriously argue with that. Maybe when faith is gone, suicide is what remains in one or another form. Can someone commit suicide and still really, truly have faith? (Loss of faith = the desperation David so superbly expressed.) Seems unlikely to me. Been there, done that.

I thank all of you for your words of encouragement. As I write these words, I feel low/lower ... but not lowest.

Bestest, Tom

And reading those words, then making your response, "here you are!" So glad to see your response at this early hour of the morn when night seems darkest before the dawn of day.

Makr56 PJ

Oh my..I should know better than to ask Mr.Alffe what he thinks..because he tells me, and tells me, and tells me! Just one of the things I love about him but it's exhausting and I always wish I'd taken notes.

He thinks that "How you feel overpowers how you think." and he noted that he wasn't just talking about pain. He has had difficulty understanding depression..his reaction has always been "Get up and do something!"
He has always surrounded himself with "thinkers". Always felt that developing theories was the way to live your life....and then Michael, our only son, his namesake, killed himself.

To say that it rocked his boat is an understatement. That "quicksand of feelings" he calls it, can be overwhelming.

It astounds me sometimes to think that we have been married for 52 years...I, who have always leaned toward the depressed side, and he, who is the eternal optimist.

When I hear that train coming...I run to the conductor..you fill in the name.

(Michigan J. Frog) ROFL

Hello, Alffe: Thanks for yours. "How you feel overpowers how you think" ... tell Mr. Alffe that he is of the classic Montequieu school. Not a bad place to be. If a person doesn't know about that feelings overpower reason, a suicide will teach them "right quick."

I knew a couple who were hardcore Republican far-rightists -- they stoicly, rationally debated and discussed everything political. Then their daughter married a state senator who was a typical Democrat liberal. The couple supported their son-in-law fervently when he ran for re-election. I asked them how they could do it. "Blood trumps ideology" was their response. LOl.

It's O.K. to run to the conductor. Just be sure you aren't on the tracks...

Bestest, Tom

Hello, Doxie: Thanks so much for your contribution. I hope you will step up and make more of them; you obviously have a lot to offer.

I'm taking note of the meds you mentioned. The Lyrica (2 pills, 75 mg each per day) makes me feel soooo tired. I called my neurologist's office this a.m., asked if I could cut back to 1 pill. All this pain killer stuff is so powerful, it has disadvantages. Nucynta? Never heard of it. Oxycodone either (which shows my lack of knowledge about painkillers), or even cymbalta or even elavil. I'll mention them to my doctor -- definitely. If I have to, I'll stay with the Lyrica, but only if I have to. Right now, I feel EXHAUSTED. This business of making the bed and stopping to huff and puff, well, it's not for me. Something's serously wrong, and it's getting worse.

O.K., a few minutes ago I just got an appointment with the rare disease specialist on December 28. Busy guy -- apparently one of the best in the world. The neurologist is still waiting for the results of the anti-MAG blood test to come in. The theory that anti-bodies build up for one purpose (defense against a disease) can turn around and attack neuro fibers, intrigues me. I have a lot of allergies to plants and weeds; it is an OVER production of hystamines by the body, it turns out, that causes the problem. And hystamines are a defense mechanism.

In all this, there's only one diagnostic test I won't take, probably under any circumstances: a spinal tap. When I had polio, they gave me one and I still remember the excruciating pain. Apparently when it's done right, you don't feel a thing. Such was not my case -- let me assure you.

Lyrica, they say, creates suicidal thoughts; I don't think it does in me; such thoughts were there long before Lyrica came along. However, Lyrica may reinforce or maintain them. I'm not sure. It's simply that every step now is a burden, heavy, heavy, heavy. I don't have a cane or a walker -- but they're not far away.

One thing, maybe I don't understand: you say you don't yet have an official dx. If you got one, would the insurance pay more or less for your treatment?

900 mg of Lyrica!! How do you stand it? I hope you'll continue with the pain clinic. I don't see how it can hurt, and it might just help.

Bestest to you, Doxie. And again, I hope you will post more often. You have so much to say!

Tom