HI!

I came to this forum because I have MS but while looking around I found this area.

I am 31 yars old, my first husband committed suicide when I was 23, in 1999.

I have done what I can and for all intents and purposes I have moved on with my life. I remarried and I have a beautiful little girl.

Yet I still carry it around with me. I am not afraid to talk about it persay I just don't have anyone I can talk about him with and sometimes that is hard.

We were having alot of problems and I left him, about a month later he killed himself. Our mutual friends bailed pretty much immediately.

They blamed me, I understand that for them it was easier to be angry at me, I have come to terms with that. But it is hard because they were also friends with my current DH and because he chose to remain friends with me and then eventually started dating me they no longer talk to him either.

They were his only friends, I had other friends but he didn't. It is hard and I'd be lying if I didn't say in some ways it has put a strain on our marraige.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, I guess just people who understand and a place I can remember the good times with my 1st DH. We dated for 9 years and were married for 1 when it happened. There were good times but I no longer have people to share those thoughts with. I spent about half my life with him before he died, he was tied to so much of my life...

Talking about him to the people who were a part of our life is next to impossible as it seems to be too painful for them. I then feel guilty for bringing it up. I have no problem talking to my newer friends who didn't know him as far as the fact that I was married and he committed suicide but then it becomes the unspoken truth of my life, does that make sence?

Some times something will happen and I'l think of something that we did together and I want to comment but I feel like I need to silence myself rather than make others feel uncomfortable.

I have never had the opertunity to talk to others who have experienced this and I don't know if what I feel is normal?

Any way I just wanted to say hi and see where this goes from here. Thanks for reading.

Hi, I also have ms and am from msw. Just found this place because of msw leading me here. I recently began a thread 'new member intro'. We have a little in common, doncha think!

There really is no one else to talk to in the 'real' world unless you know someone who is a survivor. Nobody gets it, I find that pretty difficult.

Hi, my mom killed herself six weeks after my dad died, just when I thought I had gotton her stable enough to go back for a quick trip to my house on the west coast after spending several months taking care of them. Because the coroner was away on a weekend, they sent a substitute who was drunk and put down undetermined instead of suicide, thinking he was doing a favor. But when a dectective started questioning me, I realized that it had reached the lunacy of me being a "suspect" since I ripped the bag off her head to see if she was alive...
however, I never got blamed really, not by friends and family like you, so unfairly. I have to hope that you don't let it get to you. If you can find a couple who will go out to dinner with you and your husband, you won't have to feel so sad for his loss. There must be some people out there who don't need to have a bad guy for every tragedy! Maybe someone in a different age group than yours - I found that once I started getting friends that were much older and much younger than me, I started to like the west coast after being uprooted from Boston. Maybe it was just correlation and not causation, but I've always felt that when we got to know some people who wouldn't have normally become friends with each other was when I started to stop missing my home state so much.
I'm glad to hear that you have gotton on with your life and have the wonder of a child. You certainly are as normal as can be, don't worry about that LOL! Both you and smiles are wise. I love your quotes. Have a great day.
Jane

Hey smiley, remember me, nohope? You responded to my posting just over a week ago. The reason I came here is very similar as I just can't shake what has happened. The only reason for my husband's death was alcohol. He was the love of my life and I can't leave it alone. Being that you brought yours up again means you haven't let it go. Neither will I. Just like you we spent half our lives together and produced two beautiful healthy girls. I lost my best friend and will never ever find forgiveness for what he did to a beautiful family. We had a wonderful life and because of him we lost everything. A friend asked me yesterday to find the core reason of my pain and then we'll work on that. I think I finally figured it out. I love him! I can't imagine the rest of my life without him! The "head of household", the one you would die for. Family! A family that doesn't know how they can continue without "father", the better half. I feel like he killed me too.

Funny, I told Alffe just this morning I would be away from my computer today. I am still trying to settle the economic issues revolved around his death. However, here I am again drawn to this site.

We do have things in common. All our mutual friends took sides and now I find that I hardly can communicate with the ones left on my side. It's just not the same. These were friends that we were always hanging out with together. These friends that took sides were ones I had known over a decade. Also feeling like I have to be quiet because the friends left are sick of hearing about it or our saddened makes me feel like there is no one left but here that I can get it out. Although my husband's death was just 3 months ago, we were seperated for a year and a half. It was the nastiest ugliest divorce ever for the custody of our children. I so longed for the day he would come crawling back and apologize, but knew I could never accept it after him exposing his true colors. Take the alcohol away and he was a remarkable person and well received by all, but he could just never get away from it. As for my new friends who have come out through all of this, they never met him and will never understand, but they do try and I am very grateful for those few. As for the others, I am so saddened for the loss of friendship and can't possibly understand.

So to sum it up in a nutshell, "talk away" to your new friends here. It's obvious if we share our pain on the internet we are going to attract people very much in the same situation. I have only been here for a week and have been able to let a lot out. I don't have insurance and I am trying to ween myself off the anti-depressants that my doctor has quadrupled. I am scared and find talking here is helping me to cope.

Take care and talk all you want about it here.

Have a better day

Sorry, still new to this I think I got the names mixed up and put you with smiles. I thought you were one. Hope this brings a smile to your face anyway. My goal is to be a computer geek one day (like my brother who is flown globablly with his company to help with computers) and know what it is I am doing!

yes, we must have missed each other on MSW. But hey we get to connect here.

It is difficult. I have some good friends but I see it in their eyes when I let some thing slip out, that not quite poor you but kinda like.

I was blessed to have helped a customer where I worked, she locked her keys in the car and I offered to drive her home to get her spare set, she was a dear sweet older woman. We got to talking 'cause she was surprised I knew where her road was and I said I lived nearby w/ my 1st DH.

She asked his name and we found out she was the mother of one of his childhood friends that I didn't really know. They knew of his death and the cause but she was very sweet to me. She had had a nephew who commited suicide so she "got it".

We talked about my DH and good things that we both remembered about him. It made me realize how much I missed that connection. I haven't seen her since but it was nice to have met her.

It is strange to think that you need to find people to talk to about something so personal.

Thank you for your responce.

Hi NoHope!

Yes I did respond to your welcome thread . It touched a cord with me.

I am so sorry that you have had to go thru so much especially with the little ones. I hope they are doing ok.

You really learn who your friends are when something like this happens. Some times some people even surprise you with their compassion.

Don't worry about the name mess up I'm blonde and I have Brain Lessions so I mix things up alot myself .

I'm glad this place is helping you, I think it will help me too.

Wow Jane that must have been terribly difficult to have lost both your parents so close together. Then the whole thing with the cause of death, yikes. I'm glad it worked out ok.

I have tried to encourage my DH to make new friends but he is very shy and won't let himself trust any one else, he is afraid of getting hurt again. It makes me sad he deserved better from his "friends". We can't change the past tho I guess.

I just find the stigma attached to suicide so hard to deal with. It isn't like an accidental death or murder, people seem to want someone to blame besides the victim, at least thats how it seems to me often times.

But even those who aren't looking to blame someone still seem unable to discuss it. I guess thats the hardest thing for me, I'm a talker, as if you couldn't tell .

I talk to process and I haven't been able to really talk about this...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply!

I'm glad you found us and you can talk about 'it' all you want. I'm so so sorry for the loss of friendship you've endured on top of your ex-husband's death.

ckepi you are so right about the stigma of suicide..and people say the stupidest things because they don't know what to say. A simple hug and I'm sorry would be just fine. I had a woman tell me that my son went straight to hell because he killed himself. That was sure comforting!

I'm glad you've joined this forum family..it's a wonderful place for support.