I would be lying if I said I didn't know how this all came about. It started off as a small snowflake that more and more added to, and then it began rolling down the mountain until it turned into a massive snowball eventually causing an avalanche. I know exactly how I got to this point, yet have no clue how to get away from it.

I had, yesterday, probably the worst day of my life. I woke up in more pain than I have ever been in - which at the time, was just physical. The day prior, my brother, whom many of you have heard about prior in a post I made regarding his selfish and addictive behavior. He was always aggressive, he displayed every sign as a child that he would grow up to be an adult that did not fit in with the rest of society. He killed my pets, he beat me, he abused drugs and alcohol and was easily the most hostile person I have ever been around. I had posted after he has threatened suicide many times because I wouldn't give him money and I finally snapped and told him to do it and leave me alone.

He obviously didn't do it because he didn't mean it, but saying it was a horrible thing as was my response to him. Anyway, he spent 6 months in rehabilitation versus going to prison after he robbed my Grandma. He got out the day before yesterday at 10am and was due to go stay with her (against many of our wishes but we did want him to stand a chance and his only other place to go was with my step-father whom is also a drug addict and alcoholic).

He never showed up, and had my step-father pick him up who did something anyone who cared about my brother wouldn't have done. He took him to breakfast, and then directly TO A BAR. He claims he didn't drink, and said that he only went there to find a lady friend (although he used more offensive wording). Regardless, he didn't show his face until 11am yesterday. Assuming we'd all be forgiving that he didn't so much as call any of the people who actually care enough to worry about him. He lied as soon as he left rehab, told his boss his sister was picking him up - I live in California, he was in rehab in Ohio. As you can see, this is pretty much impossible.

I had tried to not get stressed, as three days prior to these events I got my Insurance cancellation letter in the mail which finalized everything for me. It's been gone since Jan. 1st but it was more formal and final once seeing it. I've not had any pain medication, any seizure medication, or my antibiotics to deal with these vile infectious diseases I snagged from a nasty tick. I have one slip for over $500.00 worth of labwork, another order for my 3rd ultrasound to monitor my growing ovarian cyst, and another for a 'something' cystogram because my ureter or whatever it is regurgitates urine into my kidney and the severity needed to be checked. All of these orders cannot be put to use. The medication for my seizures and headaches alone totals $648.00 per month without insurance, so that also will no longer be a part of my life.

I fought as hard as I could to just avoid the situation with my brother because I simply did-not-need anything extra. However, him running to the worst person as soon as he got out was too offensive for me to let pass. After my mother left my step-father, I tried to help him cope and would make him dinner and drop it off. That didn't last long as he seemed to note the similarity in appearance between my mother and I and no longer looked to me as a daughter and made an inappropriate advance towards me. My brother even talking to him disrespected me. Not to mention, he is 31 and should know if he just got out of rehab, you do not go straight to someone who spends his free time in a Methadone clinic, drinks excessively, smokes marijuana and is severely depressed (and appears to enjoy it and company).

I confronted my brother and told him, "no more". Should he want to have a relationship with me he will cut off that part of the family. He has said "sorry" so much that word lost it's meaning.

By the time I'd gone through my brother, my dad, my mom and my grandma - I was mentally exhausted. My Trigeminal Neuralgia had an unholy flare and I could SEE my pulse through the bulging vein on my temple. My eyes were blurred and glazed over. My entire body was shaking and every single muscle and joint was on fire. I thought at that time, I would call it at night at 6:30pm. I picked up my iPod and went upstairs to my bedroom.

I put on a song which is called Dancing, by Elisa. I stretched out and pretended I was in the woods, as for whatever reason (even knowing ticks reside there), I feel content in the woods. I originally got this song after hearing the first part of it, which says "Time is gonna take my mind, and carry it far away where I can fly". Anyway, maybe it was just timing, or the last roll of the snowball finally did me in. It got to a part that says, "and I know that I'll be leaving soon". As soon as I heard it, I pictured myself dead. It wasn't just that, I kept thinking about it, and how much easier it would be not for me but those around me.

At that very point in time (by then I'm hysterical), I didn't really know my 'value'. I did not know if I was a bigger blessing than a burden, or a bigger burden than a blessing. I've thought plenty of times that I simply cannot take the pain anymore - the physical pain. But the pain of not knowing if you'd actually HELP someone by being gone is easily the worst feeling I've ever had. What was worse is that my entire family was in bed by then (they are on Eastern time, and I am on Pacific). I couldn't tell my partner, or he'd feel at fault. He'd feel like he did something to make me feel that way, and he did nothing. He takes care of me, and has paid for my insurance and my healthcare along with everything else since May of 2006. May 5th, to be exact but whose counting?

His life really stands more success without me, and I know in the long run he'd be better off. I cause him both financial and emotional problems. He makes good money, but not after taking care of me. He truly deserves someone who can share life with him versus taking his life away from him. I can't even give him a child, the only thing I can do is make sure he has clean laundry and dinner. I try to make sure I do it every day no matter how bad I feel because it's all I can do. I don't even tell him half of the time that I am very sick, I don't tell anyone. I just sit in my bathtub and cry and gather myself and go on.

I am tired of being me, I am literally sick of being sick. I have goals that I just can't reach because everything keeps piling up. Not to worry, I won't kill myself, hell, I can't even afford something to do it with. Plus, knowing my history of failure I'd probably not finish the job and end up even worse. But instead, I can't help but wish that I would just die 'naturally'. I've never thought such awful things, it makes me sick to think that. I can't even afford therapy to get myself past it (hence why I'm babbling here boring the world).

I guess I made it to the enough is enough point, and I'm only 30. I'm 30 and I feel 100. I finally found a diagnosis and a doctor, and lose everything to keep me on track. Granted, she will see me free - but I can't pay for treatment. I'm not going to tell my partner because he's done enough, and I am not holding him back. He has had to put off buying a home for 3 years because of ME.

I can't even talk to my dad or grandma because my brother again has the focus. In a way, I guess I'm a crappy person for being jealous he got free treatment and free medicine for a drug addiction and I can't get anything for something I didn't do to myself. My grandma is helping him get a car and a place to live, and all kinds of things - things she has done twice now. She paid for his first and second car, along with his college. I did that all on my own. She along with my father didn't even acknowledge me until my brother made his drug habit more obvious, and then they apologize. Apologize for putting me on a back-burner for 20 years and then they are proud of me for doing everything on my own. They love me now and I love them back, I like having a family now but it's not even real. They are only there because I allow them to be, I just wanted to show them what they did. They enabled an addict and I'm lucky to have been able to struggle but leave that place.

I just wish I had the real ones to call now and tell them that I need help, but there's noone real in my life. They all have broken my trust and they are only here because I have nothing else without them. I just wanted someone to send a Christmas card to so my partners family didn't think I was some orphan. But now, I really need a family and I realize I don't have one.

Well, I probably am pushing the character limit here but I needed to say that because I feel like I'm going to explode.

Also, don't feel anything bad about the song I mentioned. It was just bad timing, it's a beautiful song. I'll link it below.

I'm so very sorry for posting so much here, but I had nowhere else to go (sad, huh). If I broke rules, please delete it or edit it. I'm fine now that I typed it all anyway. It's like a free mute therapist.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi6_41G63ck


Hopefully it stops 'snowing' soon.

ellie, don't feel sorry about posting. that is what we are here for.

you have endured so much.

there are resources for free meds. you have a dx. we have posted the links before and i know of members that this has saved them great pain. i'll find the links.

the family stuff stinks. i can't give you advice to fix that. for my own well being, i have absolutly nothing to do with my toxic family. zip zilch nada. i refuse to let them into my or my children's lives. we are all healthier emotionaly. i have no regrets.

your man loves you. he is an adult. he made the choice to love and take care of you. i doubt he will let you leave and make him choose something different.

keep posting ellie. it hurts, but it helps to get it out. you are NOT alone.

Ellie, curious is absolutely right about your "family"...they are toxic for you and you need to draw a line through their names. No wonder your pain level was so high yesterday.

You have every right to feel as you do....it's perfectly understandable. That fella of yours really loves you and that's what I'd concentrate on if I were you.

If you're under an avalanche, we are going to start digging! That's what we are here for.

Thanks, and I know about the family stuff. My father drank a lot and wasn't around much, and as a kid my Grandma was pretty mean to me. I never understood why, but for whatever reason I was immune to that. She had me sleep in a crib even though I was old enough to be in a normal bed (6 years old) and would do things like take stuff my mom sent with me (snacks) and give them to my brother. I still can't figure out why she didn't like me, I wasn't a bad kid. I was shy, that's about it. My father was just a typical drunk, but not mean. He was the standard happy drunk. After he and my mom divorced they just didn't want me around. I was stuck to my mom anyway, so it was fine.

I was hospitalized once for over 2 months and the only thing I got was one card, that my grandma signed and forged my dads name on. That was the most I got. Then a few years ago I found out my dad had cancer and didn't want things to end this way, so I took the step to patch things up. I know he felt bad, when he saw me he was shaking and kept crying. My Grandma, however, is emotionless unless my brother is involved and the times she cries is when she calls me because he hurt her. My father has apologized to me and makes it clear he regrets missing out on my life, but my Grandma is a bit more attached to her 'ways'. And that's fine, she's really harmless.

I know deep down in their own ways the regret what they have done to me, but I know they wouldn't have cared as much if my brother would have been more of a 'success' versus an addict. I was second best to them, but I know I have always been the one with potential to make it and I have them to thank for leaving me on the side of the road. They are the ones that made me so tough, but in some cases it's not really a good quality to be so cold and immune to those things. What my family has done to me should have left bigger scars, and it almost worries me I've been able to brush off most of it and I fear that the day will come it will all surface and wreck me.

It is easy for me to turn my back and walk away from everything, and to be honest, that's not good. Right now, the only thing that keeps me from giving up is my partner and my son - but it's also the same thing that makes me want to just give up because I am afraid to drag them down with me. I just want to be anything or anyone but me.

It's kind of funny they say money can't buy happiness, but it really does. It buys health, and health to me is happiness. My health keeps me from living my life, my health is slowly taking my mind away from me. My health keeps me from doing things with my loved ones that I really want to do. And sadly, my health has a high price tag on it.

I saw my specialist last week, and it was such a good feeling that everything had a name and to hear I could be 'cured' but also hearing I had a 'long road' ahead of me. The road is about 2 years long, that is 2 solid years of treatment that's not within any average persons income. Two years of grueling treatment and no promise of a cure, it may be longer. But, the doctor promised she'd fix me.

I'm going to take the $12.00 in my bank and spend it on lottery tickets. I figure if I'm always the 1% to get some rare disease maybe I'll have the same luck with the lottery.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for the reply.

I'm not sure I agree with you about $$ buying health = happiness but I do understand why you would say that...you are living with pain and can't afford the cure.

You have two wonderful reasons to live and trust me when I say that whatever the circumstances of your life....those two want you to remain in it!

Things never remain the same...they may change for the better or for the worse but they don't remain constant. I pray that your "lot" will improve.

Now that old "stinkin thinkin" will want you to rush and say they can't get any worse. The glass is half full...you have two treasures in your life. And the lure of suicide is a cruel joke...

Loved the song you posted....thank you.

Hi Ellie,
Family is often either the best thing in the world or the most stressful thing to deal with....

sometimes it's best to close the door on those toxic people, but I know it is a hard choice.

soft hugs to you

Oh, don't worry. I've learned my lesson saying "things can't get any worse" from the many times I said it, and they did. I've gotten to a point where I just expect the worse, so when something turns out to be 'safe', I'm pretty excited about it.

I know I have people who love me, and I hate to think of hurting them in any way. I never imagined I'd think that and think seriously about it to the point I had even began to wonder if I should start preplanning my own funeral. The thoughts I had repulse me. I guess because I almost feel like a hypocrite, although it's a totally different scenario. I had the case of my brother, who wanted help to pay for drugs, alcohol or other 'bad' things but when I'd recommend rehab, he'd say he would rather kill himself. Or if you wouldn't give him money he'd say, "I'll just kill myself no-one cares about me". He's threatened me with that for almost 7 years now. The times I worried he would do it, is when he didn't say it - when he was silent.

I never though that I'd get to a point in my life where I'd rather just be taken away, I felt and feel defeated. Like I let some negative entity win. I'm not a quitter, I've never been weak. I have weak moments, but I usually allow it to pass over and this moment is lingering. The feeling is bizarre, my chest feels like it has a lump in it and my pulse is all weird and then the crying thing isn't helping. I usually limit tears to once or twice a year and I haven't been able to stop since it started yesterday.

The most terrifying thought in my life was picturing myself gone, and feeling like it was a good thing. I don't want to think that way, I just want to brainwash myself or something and get it out of my head and it keeps coming back. I feel like I'm crazy or something. I mean sure, I get depressed - everyone does, or so I hear. I want to live and I want to think living is a GOOD thing. I keep saying it but it won't s-t-i-c-k.

I think I'm going to try and get away for the weekend and hope a change of scenery will help me, or at least give me a chance to refind myself and my normal methods of thinking and rationalizing. Right now, alone, I am not feeling rational and not feeling like I should even be alone.

I'm going to take a bubble bath and try and loosen up my muscles before I turn into a giant knot. :O

Thanks again for listening.

Ellie, we all have had those moments and they are scarey. Just remember that what you really want, is for the pain to stop...not for your living to be over. We are here for you.

Enjoy your bath!