Alffe, what an insightful way your Pastor had of explaining Michael's death to his son. And your church seems to have a very loving, supportive environment. I have been looking around for a church where I feel like I "belong". Before, when I could get out of the house unassisted, I attended a few different services but just never felt like I could become part of their "family". About 18 months ago I found a little church that I felt good in. I attended Sunday services for about 6 months until I became an invalid; pain in the butt for me and EVERYONE. My Pastor calls, or I will call him, and we have prayer together on the phone. I have only told him that I have no living relatives but thats about al he knows about my past other than the chronic pain. I am afraid of what he and the other church members would say (treat me) if they knew the truth about my brother & sister. I have been told over & over that if you commit suicide you have a straight ticket to Hell. Well that's not in my Bible and I refuse to believe that my family are anywhere other than Heaven. God has blessed me with this unwavering truth but I just don't know if my church will still accept me. I guess if they don't then this is not the church for me. But how do I slip this into a conversation with my Pastor?

Thanks for listening. Any suggestions will be helpful.

Hi BMM! I have never heard of the stimulator you have but I am glad it works for you.

Thanks for asking about my surgery. I am having the trial implant done on May 14th - that's next week!!! I am quite anxious but hopefull that it will work for me. If it does I will get the permanent implant shortly thereafter. I really hope it is successful because I would like to take control of my life again; not having to depend on others for just about everything not in arm's reach.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers; one can never have too many. And I too, will keep you in mine.

Good morning Jan, I hope you had a good nights sleep. *grin

Ignorant, fearful people say ignorant things. It's cruel and just plain wrong to judge us but unfortunately some people are so sure of their version of the Bible that their minds are closed on the subject. I had a minister's wife tell me that Michael went straight to hell. I don't believe it...I had another minister tell me that there is redemption after death..that was a lot more comforting. Perhaps some day I'll know all the answers for sure.

I'm glad you found a little church that you feel welcome in but I think that you must ask that minister to come for a visit...that you need to talk to him.
(There is that TALK thing again..) People cannot help us if they don't know how we feel...if they don't know our pain and sorrow and it's his chosen misson in this life to care for one of his congregation.

If you decide to do this (after your surgery of course and he should come and visit with you for that reason alone!) you should share with him your fears about being judged rather than comforted. You need help in order to heal....we all do.

I know how difficult it will be to open up about something you have kept hidden for so long but I think you will feel so much better and your load will be a lot lighter.

Well, I need to get a cup of coffee in me....

Gee,what a coincidence. I not only lost two brothers to suicide by gunshot, I survived suicide myself in 1989. I stabbed myself, intending to stab myself in my heart but I missed. Amazingly, I missed every major organ, only nicking my liver (he didn't even stitch it up) (I have a bigger scar from the surgery than from the wound). Sometime I'll tell you about the fount of many blessings I've received, my motto issomeone has to be in need of rescue to enable someone to help. People get kudos and jewels in their crowns for helping people like me...that's my contribution.

vigwig - We're glad you found this place to talk. You are so welcome here and we're happy to meet you.

I'm so glad you're here vigwig I just a min.ago read your post in the newcomers forum...may I ask you why you didn't mention suicide in your introduction? I know it can be a real conversation stopper but I encourage talking about it because I think it will educate people.

Again...welcome.

((vigwig)) it's nice to meet you and welcome.
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((Curious)) I'm sorry about your brother and understand. My sister was 30 when diagnosed with cancer and 34 when she died. That last year was very, very, very long as she was so sick the entire year of 1986. Chemo, surgery, radiation. Was awful, and long. I find myself imagining what she would look like now, and I still miss her so much. It really sucks. Certainly changes your entire life, it's never the same. But we just keep moving along, don't we?

Having no siblings after having them just isn't any fun.

I have had a rotten day; tearful, crying, sobbing at times for no apparent reason. I just couldn't get a grip this morning. I was thinking about all the people who say I am so strong, well you could have blown me over with a feather most of the day.

Someone mentioned on here about a gravesite. You know, there is not one gravesite, memorial or anything solid where I can go to bring flowers, sit and talk, cry, laugh, or whatever with any of my lost family members. The more I think about it the more unnerving it seems. I'm not sure where my dad is buried; he remarried and moved several states away. Then with my brother's tragic end, his wife buried him in an old junk yard not even accessable by road. It was her grandparent's property, no one said she couldn't do it so she did. Our side of the family had no say-so in the matter. My mom wanted to be creamated and travel around with me. She now rests between my two other kitties' cremations high on a shelf in my living room. I do talk, share past stories, laugh, cry with her anytime I want to. Then comes my sister's untimely death. She had said in the past that she wanted her body to be donated to science so she never left the hospital.

Now I am the only one left. I just feel like something is missing in this equation. This situation has crossed my mind many times in the past but usually only one family member at a time. I guess today I have been just a little bit overwhelmed.

I need a hug!