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06-13-2008, 12:10 PM
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#21 | |||
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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I hate that it is so conflicting for you...I hate that there SEEMS to be no answers...(but there really is...but each one of us, it is uniquely different)
I hope you take all the time you need to sort out your grief, your anger, and I know you will have that greatest gift of all, love, behind it all while you sort things out... and I know that you know that you can count on the wonderful folks here to be here for you if you ever need them... 
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06-13-2008, 02:02 PM
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#22 | |||
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Senior Member
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I can't help myself by wondering over and over how it got to THAT point? I like to call it "the point of no return". The point where they make up their mind that they are going to do it, and that's that. But, they haven't done it yet, and they are still pretending they are okay. That is what frightens me the most. The day before his graduation, I gave him his present. We went to Yankee Stadium several weeks before and I bought him a Ron Guidry t-shirt. Ron Guidry was his favorite Yankee and he always said that he'd be the next Ron Guidry when he got to the big leagues. He started crying, something he NEVER did, and he said "BJ, whatever happens, I want you to stay in school, and find something you really like to do and achieve your dreams. You're so smart, and you're such a great sister". I want to slap myself over and over and over when I think of that moment because I think he was at the point of no return but I didn't notice it, none of us noticed it.
Mark was the happiest person. He had so many friends and was one of the most popular players on his team. He never burdened mom and dad with anything while he was alive, and he left us with the biggest burden now that he is dead. I'm trying to remember him for the happy person he was, but it's almost impossible to do that, because I don't know how long he was pretending to be happy. I don't know when everything went downhill. When I think of happy memories, all I think of is how he had his mind made up and all of his motions were just an act. And I have so much trouble dealing with his death, even accepting it, because we didn't see it coming at all. I heard my mom talking to my dad over and over and saying we should have known something was wrong, we let him down. I did buy that CD Alffe and thank you for suggesting it. The lyrics that stick in my head are:Every thought of you is painful Every choice seems half a lie Every memory a reminder You didn't have to die Sometimes it's hard to blame you You were desperate for some peace But your death is an indictment And for me there's no release You didn't have to die Mark.
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. . . . Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!! BJ |
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06-13-2008, 04:40 PM
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#23 | |||
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Wisest Elder Ever
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Dear Bj,
I feel so sorry for your suffering.... and I wish you would listen to mark in your dreams.... You are a wonderful woman, daughter, sister. He adored you and did not mean to hurt you....please forgive him....and yourself. (((((HUGS))))) bizi
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. Hattie the black and white one wrestling with hazel, calico. lost hattie to cancer..... Happiness is a decision.... 150mg of lamictal 2x a day haldol 5mg 2x a day 1mg of cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night I will not give up in this weight loss journey, nor this need to be AF. 3-19-13=156, 6-7-13=139, 8-19-13=149, 11-12-13=140, 6-28-14=157, 7-24-14=149, 9-24-14=144, 1-12-15=164, 2-28-15=149, 4-21-15=143, 6-26-15=138.5, 7-22-15=146, 8-24-15=151, 9-15-15=145, 11-1-15=137, 11-29-15=143, 1-4-16=152, 1-26-16=144, 2-24-16=150, 8-15-16=163, 1-4-17=169, 9-20-17=174, 11-17-17=185.6, 3-22-18=167.9, 8-31-18= 176.3, 3-6-19=190.8 5-30-20=176, 1-4-21=202, 10-4-21= 200.8,12-10-21=186, 3-26-22=180.3, 7-30-22=188, 10-15-22=180.9, |
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06-13-2008, 04:58 PM
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#24 | |||
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Young Senior Elder Member
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(((BJ))) Nope! Mark didn't have to die...he had his whole life ahead of him and chose to throw it all away for reasons that we find impossible to understand and very hard to accept.
I'm glad you're talking about it BJ....keep adding to the soup and give it a good stir. 
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06-13-2008, 07:35 PM
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#25 | |||
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Senior Member
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I can't forgive Bizi and believe me I've tried. I wish I could understand and accept Alffe but I can't. It's just tearing my apart inside.
I just called my pdoc and she told me to go to the crisis center. I’ve been cutting and nothing is taking away my pain. I hate myself right now for not letting my parents know about the note. I was just trying to protect them, I didn’t want to hurt them any more than they were hurt. The only thing on my mind is to hurt myself right now. Hooper needs me so I need help to be here for her.
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. . . . Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!! BJ |
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| "Thanks for this!" says: | Curious (06-15-2008) |
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06-13-2008, 07:41 PM
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#26 | |||
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Legendary
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Please go to the Crisis Centre BJ.
I'm sitting here worrying about you, but I just can't do anything to help and that makes me very sad. I wish had the right words to say that would take away your pain. I wish I could just reach out and put my arms around you, but I can't do either of these things. Please get help BJ. We all care, and we're all worrying about you. 
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Eastern Australian Daylight Savings Time and my temperature . |
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06-13-2008, 07:50 PM
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#27 | |||
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Elder
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BJ...
Please go to the Crisis Center or Emergency Room... Please. I needed help yesterday... it was an emergency situation.... I went. You are not alone. We LOVE and CARE for you VERY MUCH!!!! Abbie
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My avatar pic is my beautiful niece Ashley! . Rest in Peace 3/8/90 ~~ 4/2/12
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06-13-2008, 07:57 PM
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#28 | |||
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Senior Member
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BJ -- go to the Crisis Center and later pleasethink about how much love went with you
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06-13-2008, 08:03 PM
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#29 | ||
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Yappiest Elder Member
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bj, sweets....your pdoc gave you the best advice. you need the crisis center. she can't help you enough to get through this right now. you can't do this by yourself.
you said it...hooper needs you. she will be there for you too. but you need to get help so you can take care of her and be there for her. to help her heal. we are praying and sending you healing and comforting thoughts. as our pretty bird wren wren said...you are taking much love with you. sweets, be sure you clean those cuts really really good. ok? we love you.
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06-13-2008, 08:28 PM
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#30 | |||
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Elder
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((((Bj))))
__________________
Cheryl Dx: MS 2001 CRPS 2009 “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” - Henry Ford |
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