HI all I'm just checking in...out of hospital and slightly pIXXXD OFF

After going through all the normal anxiety of an operation, general anathestic, i awake to be told it was not performed. The reason the initial problem appeared not to be there, so a non evasive [not cutting] task was taken instead.

Im pleased in one way, but very angry in another way. Im now told if the problem reaccurs i will have to see a skin specailist. [ i was told this two years ago, but my GP did not agree and never referred me]

This all may sound very Vague....it was a bowel/rectal repair hense my limited explanation. The pain though i have experienced over the last three years is excruciating at times. Now though im told it could be a nervous excema causing the problem. i hope what they did do will cure the problem but allready i fear not.

Its slightly odd really, because my condition is one of those embarrasing type conditions, i tend to suffer in silence and tell very few whats wrong.

Alffes recent post made me think how folk complain about non tabbo subjects[kid/troubles] but wont talk about subjects that are very painful, and out of the realms of most, and therefore catagorised as TABOO [SUICIDE/DEATH/CANCER/ to name just three]

I then thought do i not speak of my BI-POLAR in the same way....at times yes... if i feel it will be accepted i talk about it... if i fear ridicule.. i retain this as another taboo.

Today is yet another example....We went out shopping today and i bought my wife a sat-nav for her car, i bought my boys, trainers, and t-shirts...I FELT OVERLY GENEROUS IN MOOD

When we came hope the darkest of clouds decended over me, yet for several hours no-one even noticed... when i did come out with what was wrong...I got a 'YOU SHOULD HAVE REMINDED US'

My dad died twelve years ago today of Stomach and Bowel cancer.

I guess i wanted others to remember the day as i do- yet by keeping the day to myself and festering on others oversight i reinforeced the silence that is TABOO..[THE UN-MENTIONED, THE OVERLOOKED, THE BRUSH IT AWAY, the i'll get through on my own crap]

Greif/physichal pain/emotonal pain/ anxiety/distress/depression.... they are all individual pain...know one else can catch it....so why are we as humans so afraid to talk about these issues,...........rejection

We all fear rejection ..........the inner child in us all wants to feel safe and protected from the true sadness and distress that lifes rollercoster ride brings with it.....as adults we realise we cant alter the world, heal everyone else's
pain /torment...so we politely avoid what we cant solve..and discreetly shy away from divulging our own traumas/and sadly we tend not to listen to others for fear of unsettling are own .

I for one thought Alffes recent thread was a heartfelt message to us all , it is very difficult to at times see another persons problems as theirs, without simulating the issues to those of your own. Its even harder to tell an individual of your own experience in a situation without making them feel worse than they already do.

I watch this board daily, and inside my heart breaks when i see words, that scream out in un-heard volume.................I'M SUFFERING.

wHAT CAN I DO TO HELP...IS MY FIRST THOUGHT... though at times ..regrettably my first thought is not to respond in writing.............

taboo.......taboo.......taboo..................
bare with me 5 mins.....................[pause]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jReLRxrCJqU [ GOD I FEEL SO SAD ]

To those of you with sad/unhappy user names i plead with you to to change them to help your healing process
To those with Avitars that depict your unhappiness, and slavery to your illness, i beg you to change them to help your healing process.


DAVID

(((David))) Thank you for sharing. I would have also been dismayed when I came out of the surgery! I pray everything will be okay and you aren't in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. A tight hug for you.

(((David))) I'm SOOOO sorry your hospital stay was such a rotten one. Well, crap. But I'm sure glad you're back with us.

Wow! Trust the docs? All that anxiety you went through!! I hope what they were able to do will put you on the mend in no-time.

I am so sorry about your dad and the memory of this date in time. I think you are a wonderful husband and father to your children!

God speed with your healing time and hug those closest to you!

We all wish you a comfortable and peaceful recovery

Thank you for checkin in!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_h1-H...t-part_08.html

david thought you might like this....
bizi

Very insightful post David...thank you for sharing & especially for talking about it.

I'm sorry your family didn't remember this painful anniversary date but then it wasn't their father who died...when it's your time to pass, they will forever remember the date.

I can't help but wonder how much stress you are under with worrying about your painful condition in relation to what your dear father died of. I'm sure it's constantly in the back of your mind.

I'll try to "explain" myself. I guess I want it all ways. I want to make some sense out of Michael's suicide by telling people how it has changed my family...I want to plead with people to think before acting because if there are people in this world who love and are loved by you, they will be forever changed by your act.

There were complete strangers who picked me up off the floor those many years ago and "loved me" back to life. That's what forums are capable of doing. That's what this forum is trying to do.

I often have a "knee jerk" reaction and regret it later but have learned to hit that reply key because someone will say something that clicks...that will lessen the pain.

And David...what, pray tell, is a sat-nav?

I am so sorry for your pain.

Anniversary dates of losses can be tough to deal with... for many years after losses.

I have found that if, on some anniversary date, I do not consciously recall a loss, my body will remember! I do not often forget anniversary dates, as I am "wired" to not forget dates (telephone numbers, etc.). However, I had forgotten a few times, over my lifetime, mostly when I had not felt up to the task of recalling for some reason. During these times, my body and my brain (on an emotional level) had remembered intensely.

We all deal with losses and the remembrances/recall of losses so differently, even though our emotions may be similar.

Losses I may have in common with siblings, for instance, are dealt with differently... by each of us. On the anniversary of a sibling's death (my brother's, for instance)... I might want to spend time with his children and will spend the time doing whatever they'd like to do, which is often recalling memories about their father, enjoying some time communing with them on a very deep and rewarding level (in my mind). Another sibling might wish to go out "partying," in order to try to "forget." Yet another sibling might suppress the memory/anniversary all together, but might have a horrible headache all day!

Neither way of handling/remembering is better than the other. It's just an illustration of how very differently we all handle remembering and how we do what we can to deal with the anniversaries.

(I can share that when/if family members start judging how we each spend time in remembrance of the loved one we have in common, this can start some very hard feelings between one another. I have found families do best just accepting each other's methods of coping, as long as nobody is getting hurt. I have also found some years I can cope much better than other years. This can depend upon how I feel about my life when the anniversary rolls around again!)

I was inwardly smiling when I'd read the part where you were able to remind your family of the anniversary of the loss of your father. Good for you!

I can certainly relate to how you were trying to show your family that you care about them by giving them some of the things they might like. We all aim to please those we love.

When you write you were feeling "overly generous in mood," I understand you to be referring to a possible mood swing? And later on... you had a very different feeling, as in "...the darkest of clouds descended over me."

We all often try to "distract ourselves" from feeling of sadness... in so many different ways. Returning home was kind of the end of the time of "distraction" for you? "Returning home" is often the marking of the end of the distraction from ourselves/our feelings for many of us. We remove ourselves from the many distractions of the world, by returning home and... often we actually feel we can "let down" because we are "home." ("Home sweet home.") Is not "home" where we feel more able to access and to feel and express our feelings?

I am glad you feel comfortable in your own home and can "let down." This is a blessing! (Not everyone feels comfortable enough to let down at home. Some "homes" do not support this in any way, shape or form.) I am glad you can be yourself, can ask for support and can heal at home!

You mention your bipolar diagnosis and you have also mentioned these two different moods; yet, David, I think you did a remarkable job of dealing with the day! I do not read anything about your mood that is particulary "bipolar" in nature. We all have mixed emotions and some "rocky" days when dealing with an anniversary of the loss of someone so very important to us! This is "normal!"

Thanks so very much for sharing your feelings, your account of how your day had gone, and also for sharing your insights! Your post is a gift unto us all!:grouphug:

Continue to take excellent care!

Wishing you inner peace and...joy.

Hi David.. Something pulled me to this thread and I'm so glad I read it. I just want to say that your post touched me and I really hope the procedure will help you. I'm sorry for the loss of your Father to such a devasting illness; I lost my own Father to Colon CA.

Thank you for sharing such an insightful post..

((DejaVu)) I am so glad you said that. I thought I was very strange in that I often feel myself not wanting to go home. In fact, I have often this summer stayed at work a little later because...I really don't wanna go home! I thought I was being weird, but thank you for putting in print something I've been dealing with. Now I don't feel so 'weird' (though most who know me know I am weird )

((David)) I hope you are feeling better. I lost a close friend many years ago to colon cancer. He was only 28 when he died. While I do struggle with a devastating disease called ulcerative colitis, it calls for me to have a colonoscopy every single year for years now. It makes me feel a little safer about this awful disease.

I pray that you have only good reports from now on ((David)).

Bless your heart.

Doody,

I am glad you more fully realize we are all alike, in that many of us tend to avoid places in which we can/do "let down" and "reflect" upon our feelings... when we do not particulary enjoy the particular feelings/emotions coming up for us at any given time!

I know of people rarely ever "home," always "chasing" something as a distraction and/or trying to drive away from themselves/their feelings.

Sometimes, in life, it can be a huge challenge to simply sit with oneself?
I have found this to be true at times!

I hope you are having a great day today!

((((David))))