(((Idealist))) There's a wonderful book called "Tear Soup" and there is a list of cooking tips by Grandy who is making this soup. Here are a few of them...

*Grief is a process you go through as you adjust to the loss of anything or anyone important in your life.

*The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you love, or a change in health status are just a few of the situations that can cause grief.

*Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation.

*********************

You can see my friend that you have more than one reason to be grieving.

It's great to see a post from you!

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert & Chuck DeKlyan

Idealist, sometimes I hear something and the first thing that runs through my mind is that I must tell my husband....and he died ten years ago. I have trouble watching the "lord of the Rings" movies because, though I love them, Wes would have loved them more...and I feel guilty for enjoying something that he would have loved. I think I am okay and then something tiny knocks me down again... I still feel married...so much so that , though I have been trying to put my wedding ring away...I just can't yet.
I have some of those symptoms on that list...but not so many as I used to have...so maybe that is progress.

I have been thinking on this... and thinking on it.......

I think, at least for me.....one reaches a point of breaking. To try and stop the breaking, one tries to suppress, or lessen the hurt that is consuming them. It is a protective mechanism I think. I am not trying to hide from my feelings, I just can't handle them any more. Does that make sense?

I can understand doing this Nikkey...but being stuck in that awful place called isolation prevents you from talking about your loss and also your dads' life. I wouldnt, couldn't handle talking about Michaels suicide for 8 years. I missed out on a lot of living but couldn't help myself.

6. Isolation -Many people find themselves emotionally withdrawn from the world. They have small outbursts of anger and can't understand why.
Through isolaton they move further into their protective shell, away from the very feelngs they must confront in order to recover.

Our dear BJ does/is doing this and it's a giant step backwards in her healing.
(((BJ)))

I'm so sorry to read of your TIA Nikki...you are under so much stress trying to care for your husband and grieve for your dad.

You'r not alone my friend...we are here for you.

Thank you Alffe. My brain understands what you are saying, and I know you are 100% correct!! Alas, I can't help it. I am shutting away inside myself. I can feel it happening, I know it is happening, I should try to stop it...but I don't want to. It hurts a little less.

bumpity, bump bump!

Thanks Alffe,

Another one I must've missed. I have gone through all of these at some point and with anniversaries coming up soon, I'm having more trouble now more than usual with multiple of these. Does it ever get easier? - 12 years later and it still hurts.

I never knew you could grieve for those still alive until about a year ago...............................my mum is 84 today..............i Phone her less this last two years than ever before.....................[a selfish trait..........i dont want to be so close ............in the hope the inevitable will be less painful..........how BLOODY STUPID AM I]

And i grieve for my son..............and yet he is alive and living his exciting young life..........with no regard for anyone but himself


grief..................

Get

Real

Insight.

Experience emotions

For [your own sake]

David

I'm sure we're normal. My daughter died seven years ago and I have dreams about her that are so real I wake up talking out loud to her as I get out of bed.

I was reading with interest your post on bottling up feelings.

I find I have been doing that for almost 8 years. My son left home over 8 years ago and we have not seen him since. It's been brutal, hell and whatever else you can call it. He is toxic to us and I had to put up such boundaries I cannot begin to tell you. And I did this with the advice and support of mental health professionals who know the whole story.

I just didn't go "No more contact with him". This took YEARS of soul searching and decision making. I even ran this by a friend who happens to be a psychologist who told me "Melody you must maintain your sanity, you did EXACTLY what you needed to do".

But when you put up walls, boundaries, etc, you take away some of your humanity. I gather this is why I was able to lose all the weight I had been carrying for so many years. I was an emotional eater and when you strip away emotions, you look at life, health, your body, well you look at it logically, not emotionaly and I got to the point where I said: "Enough is enough, I'm not carrying all this weight around, I don't want the complications of diabetes, blah blah blah", and I had absolutely NO difficulty whatsoever giving up all the junk and eating vegetarian and completely changing my behavior and eating habits. My brain must have changed dramatically for me to have been able to do this. My own doctor told me "I have never met anyone who could do this and not cheat.

It never occurs to me to cheat because I look at this logically and I don't reach for the nearest ding dong.

So, for whatever reason, my brain has changed. I am not the same emotional creature I was before my son left us. It's like I have evolved into this person of 62 who is able to detach completely from remembering stuff about my son. I'm only writing about him now because I think it's just plain weird to go from being a mother to NOT being a mother (mentally I mean).

I was a completely different human being 8 years ago. I had a mother's heart, I had a mother's love, I was a mother.

I no longer feel any of those emotions. This is what he did to me.

I can look at it in a different way. Becoming this way has enabled me to look after myself better, to put myself first, to focus on my health and not everybody else. Hurray for me

NOT!!!

But I will always wonder. The what if's come to play.

I know we can't control other people's behaviors toward us. I know this. Everyone has to be accountable for their own actions.

But to be able to put up boundaries like I have.

I don't know.

I'm afraid that one day they may fall down and I may fall down with them.

It hasn't happened yet.

I'm still a whole person who goes out for breakfast, takes care of the apartment, takes care of my sick husband, etc.

I have to find new clothes because I lost weight and now I have to get used to my new appearance. And don't think this is easy because there will always be people who say "Stop dieting" (these are the 350 lb people).

There will always be someone who will have a negative comment.

I am trying to come up with responses that don't let me punch these people in their noses. You have no idea how many people think they have the right to blurt out "what the hell happened with your son, how come he never came home?

Oh my god, It's SO hard to look these people in the face and find something to say that won't disclose my private business.

Really, any come-backs would be greatly appreciated.

I have actually said "I am sorry but that subject is very private and painful to talk about".

The looks I get are pitiful. Some are judgmental.

You do know that people will judge you NO MATTER if you are right or wrong.

I just wonder (I should have put this on that I wonder thread, right)

lol

Melody