awww (((BJ))) I'm so sorry. *tear
It's been such a horrible time for you.
I hope you know that many people actually share some of the thoughts and feelings you've just written down in their own lives. I certainly have felt that way at times in my own life. In that you're really not alone, although you may feel so desperately alone in your physical being.

I think it took me many, many years to stop blaming myself for what happened to my mother and father and that had nothing to do with suicide, but I still blamed myself for one reason or another. It was instinctive I think.

Took me till I was in my mid 30's to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with me and then I was able to really move forward and grow. I guess I've felt as if I've been alone all my life and as I really have little memory of my own parents (Well, none of my mother, and a little of my father], had to just keep moving along, sometimes big steps, sometimes little steps, sometimes backward steps, but fortunately mostly forward steps lately.

BJ, when you are not feeling so low and vunerable, there is a really great book that helped me a lot. "Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" - by Hope Edelman. I think we've talked about this before on this forum or that may have been with Wish, I forget.

p.s. Lao Tzu also said '"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step"

I have a feeling I belong in this circle, and sometimes I wish I had no family because then it would make it easier, because I do have a large family but they don't care for me, and I know this for a fact. I too had my pills laid out, and I too made the the call for help to two of my sisters (the 2, I thought were closet to me) and when no one showed up to stop me and I had to face the fact that they truly did not care, I chose to believe it was my angels that stopped me and got me through the night.


I don't pray much but that night I did and I felt them with me and that was what stopped me from taking it any further! It was also what brought me back here!

The night before I had put on my myspace status and mood that I did not believe in God anymore and I feel that was how my crisis of faith was dealt with, but it was not my family and my family knows me well enough to know I do not make idle threats,

the only other time was when I was 16 and it was a fluke that the bottle of pills I took that was labeled a pain med turned out to be Vit C and I did not ask anyone for help that time, it must have been my angels at work again! I guess you could say I am much more of a believer now! I also got the the call from disability people 2 days later after just getting a letter about it saying my hearing could be another 18-24 months, and the call said it was the first week of Feb. of this year, so it was a real wake up call for me!

Just thought I would share that!

(((BJ))) it's wonderful to wake up to a post by you....you had us worried.
Of course you deserve to be loved...and you are loved by so many here.

I have to ask...how are you healing...how's the knee? Are you having PT?
Are you as glad as I am that the Holidays are finally over?

And how is precious Hooper? Have you seen Marley and Me? Gee, I have a lot of questions....suffice to say that I've missed you! *grin

This is so hard for me to share. After about 4 months after Mark committed suicide I wrote a poem to my dad. I never showed it to him but I wrote it. Now in hind sight maybe I should have, maybe he would have loved me.

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Oh dearheart...that looks so painful! Now, hopefully you'll begin going in the other direction. Do you have anyone helping you...like meals on wheels or are you just managing on your own? We all need to think about spring and being able to get outside.
Loved the picture of Hooper and his hat! And I thought about you again when I took the red apple off our tree. *grin

Be sure and look out your window tonight...going to be a huge full moon.

I've been doing some heavy duty reading...probably not a good idea in Jan but you might want to read Fierce Goodbye by Lloyd and Gwendolyn Carr.
It has some interesting facts about suicide, the Bible, and the Catholic Church.

Also am rereading Lament for a Son...which I won't recommend because of your dad's reaction. Remember that you are loved!

My heart goes out to you. Thank our Father in Heaven that you have gotten some relief from that back pain. Now, you can concentrate on your knee. That does look so painful and I am sure that it is. It will take lots of time. And I know the therapy hurts like...., well, you know what. But, in the long run, you should heal. Thank you for coming on, and sharing. Especially the poem. It says a lot about what you and your family have been going through. It means a lot to me. I love you bunches.... Hooper looks so cute!

Alffe I think I’ve read every book out there about suicide and trying to understand Mark. I did read Lament of a Son over and over trying to understand my dad’s hatred towards me.

I have to accept that I was never able to fill that void, that gap. His world was empty, I was there but he was blinded by his grief.

I have Fierce Goodbye, have had it for quite some time, but I’m afraid to read it. I’m not sure if I want to know the “truth” about whether Mark is in Heaven. I’ve asked my priest and of course he’s going to tell me that Mark is in God’s hands. I read Fr. Ron Rolheiser’s column all the time and after reading this maybe I’ll get the nerve up to read it.


I have no help with meals and such Alffe, I’m too young for Meals on Wheels. I’m so independent and trying to do this on my own which is quite difficult. I moved everything downstairs since I can’t get upstairs. And thank goodness for my laptop and wireless access. I made some beef stew and soups before hand so all I have to do is nuke it. And I have this delicious apple and cinnamon whipped honey I’m putting on crackers. Wonder where I got that from?


Lara I finally received my Kindle from Amazon yesterday. I’m going to download that book “Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss” as my first one. I’m also going to download Blue Genes.

The nurse should be here shortly to torture me some more and clean it. It started to bleed last night and I'm in tons of pain. I don't think I slept for an hour. It’s a good day to cuddle up with Hooper and my new Kindle and read. And I never did get to see the moon because it was snowing.

BJ, I know that your dad did not hate you...you are much too lovable for anyone to hate you...of course I know you won't believe that.

My old neighbor, who lost her son last March to suicide is married to a very stoic man...and even though she knows this..she thought that he would be able to share their grief, offer her some comfort...but no. He can't...he doesn't even cry...tears up but they don't fall. She tries so hard to understand this behavior, to forgive him for being incapable of grieving in a "normal" way...but she needs comforting herself.

And there is a man I've been talking to on the phone, who lost a son three yrs ago to suicide. Said he has yet to cry over it. ~sigh

It's so hard to understand someone else's way of grieving. And since you have already read Lament for a Son...give me your honest opinion about whether I should send it to my neighbor...it hasn't been a year yet since she lost her son.

(((BJ))) Oh my lord sweetheart, just look at your knee!!! You poor thing! I am so happy, though, that you are finding comfort with that sweet Hooper and some well deserved rest. Hooper looks so contended.