Yes, dear Nikki, it is understandable!! The pain is too intense to go there right now. But, I think Alffe is living proof, that in time, you will be able to. Love you bunches dear friend...

Hey, Nikki, you're not the only one. You're probably not actually repressing them. It's just the way our darn human brains work.

OK, so I'm weird, but I was sitting quietly contemplating my navel just the other day and I was thinking about how our brains work with regard to memories and thinking this very same thought... where are all the good memories. Why does my brain have all the really horrible ones right out there in the front of the wretched filing system. Why is it so difficult to bring forward the good memories.

You see, I may be a little strange LOL, but I tend to think of the brain as a type of filing cabinet with many, many different compartments.

Some of those compartments are hidden away out of reach because the cabinet is holding so much information. The more we experience and the more we live, the more information goes in there.

I was also thinking about our senses, and how certain smells will trigger good memories but can also trigger bad ones.

Anyway, just know you're not alone with this, Nikki. It's the way our human brains work. You can dig around in there and consciously bring out the good ones though. I think it's a learned thing... practice, time... a lot of things. When people have experienced extremely traumatic events, they tend to stick there on the surface. Sometimes when I'm trying to think of specific good times, I start in one place in my memory and it just starts to roll out from there.

ADDED: I also know from personal experience that some things are distorted in my memory, as is mentioned in one of the articles below.

I remembered reading some scientific articles about memory and how it all works, and why it works the way it does.

These two below are not those same ones but maybe they'll help you in understanding that you are not alone in having those bad memories out in front... and overshadowing the good ones.

I hope all that makes sense. Do please remember that you are the child, Nikki. He was your father. You are not responsible. Same as I wasn't responsible for my own mother's death from cancer, although I spent so much time and energy blaming myself for her death. Heck, I was just a baby. I was not responsible. I can clearly and catagorically say that now, but for a while in my 20's I went through a period of time where I put it all on myself.


http://www.time.com/time/health/arti...817329,00.html
Why Do We Remember Bad Things?
TIME health article
By Laura Blue Monday, Jun. 23, 2008


http://psychcentral.com/news/2007/08...good/1207.html
Why We Remember the Bad Times More Than the Good
By Rick Nauert, Ph.D. Senior News Editor

((Mistiis)) Love you bunches too

((Lara)) Thank you so much for posting these articles and sharing your experiences with me. Helps a lot I don't think your anaology of our brain as a filing cabinet is weird at all! I often say, let me file that lol

You are right, when I truly want to I can find those happy moments. I still clearly, vividly see his smile. The problem is, when I feel those good thoughts, the pain is too much... and I fall apart. Part of it is what the articles describe, but part of it is me intentionally trying not to feel it. I don't allow myself to go there, because I KNOW the pain it will bring.

You know this brought to mind an article my doctor shared with me when he diagnosed me with dangerously low seratonin levels...... He tests my levels every few weeks. The dark thoughts don't come as often as they did.

here is just part of it.... the whole article can be read at http://www.enotalone.com/article/4116.html

( I have this thought in my head ALL the time! I just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive..........)

And this one blows my mind.... amazing and scary ...

Yes indeedy.
Lots of neurochemical imbalance in my family so I totally understand.




... and of course, this is what also happens in PTSD and also with OCD (esp. the bottom quote), and numerous other conditions. I learned some techniques years back with a professional. Positive reinforcement I guess I'd call it and relearning some ways I dealt with certain events. When you're in the grip of it though, it's not so easy to rationalize and realize that all will be a bit better one day.

We need to be kinder to ourselves and also surround ourselves with kind people. Kind and compassionate. We also need to feed ourselves well. Not just with the kindness around us, but with wholesome nutritious food and sunlight.

PTSD, another thing I have been pretending I don't have. I have been diagnosed by 2 different doctors, I have the signs... geez I can't even see snow without throwing up and shaking badly...so why do I pretend I don't have it? Maybe I should read up on it, open my mind... maybe there will even be a door to healing.

Thanks again Lara. Your post always effect me. In a good, positive way!

I just hope I'm not being too hard on you. I am not meaning to be as blunt as I probably sound. It's just that I've read certain posts that you've written and I've honestly thought to myself at the time... OMG - Nikki is re-living that incident as she's writing about it.

It worries me. It's always worried me because it's at times like that when the thoughts are going around and around like a movie in your head, that is when you need to be in a really safe environment with someone to guide you through it. Some one who knows you and knows how to talk with you and knows how to guide you through those thoughts and out the other side, so that you're not left alone at home to keep thinking about it.

It's the one thing that I've always found most troubling about a few professionals who treat people going through traumatic memories like that... it's that when the hour is up, the person receiving the counselling needs to get themselves together, walk out of the room and somehow go home on their own... go home to what? More memories?

I should get off my soap box I guess, but I think it is so important that, in times of trauma or stress or depression, we are able to find a kind compassionate soul of a counsellor who knows how not to let that happen so that we can feel safe about leaving and feel stronger about what tomorrow will bring. Otherwise I think it can be really dangerous.

((Lara)) you are so sweet! Such a kind soul Please KNOW you are not being "too hard or blunt with me" What you are doing is sharing your thoughts with a friend in need. And this friend greatly appreciates your wisdom! I post here because I feel safe here.. And I truly do want to heal. I want to learn better coping skills, to learn from those who have traveled this road before me. I WANT your input, and greatly appreciate it

I stopped going to therapy for that very reason. It takes me awhile to get to the meat of what is bothering me, I would get to my breaking point and then the session was over. I was left trying to collect myself, shaking, stumbling, tear soaked face, trying to find my way out of the office. It was too much pain, with not enough help, so I stopped going.

I am aware of myself enough to know that watching my husband losing his long vicious battle to Alzheimer’s most assuredly is playing a role in how difficult my healing is coming. I am grieving two of the most important people in my life. I needed Dad to be here to help me through this, he promised he would be... I know this plays into my anger and abandonment issues.

I am learning so much about life, grief, strength and myself. It hurts, but I hold onto the hope that as with all bad things we must overcome, we will survive and come out better on the other side. Holding onto Hope

................................

I'm not sure I understand your post GmaSue...................

it does to me (((Nik)))
don't know how to explain or 'advise'
but i understand & have felt this too....

continued ongoing prayers for HEALing
Peace
-JOY that can be enJOYed, and more....
much LOVE