What I am about to share is a tad lengthy, highly personal and possibly highly charged for some of you. Having said that, should this post be considered out of line for this board and forum I would understand its deletion by the moderators. I've come to value your insights and various points of view, thus my reason for posting it here. So, here we go.........

You all pretty much know my situation by now and time is an element to be considered seriously. You also know I am taking my wife on her lifetime dream vacation, a 14 day cruise to Hawaii, first class all the way on Princess Cruise Lines, very soon.

Here is the potentially dangerous family challenge. I was just notified tonight, by mobile phone text no less, that my 86 year old mother has been admitted to the hospital with a severe UTI, moving into renal failure and it looks like the rest of her body is shutting down. She has advanced dementia, no longer recognizes me and due to my physical situation I have not seen my Mom and Dad since October of last year. They could not comprehend my situation nor deal with it at all. Very complicated. They are both in an assisted living center.

Here is my position and belief. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience within a cycle of life. Once that spirit/soul leaves the body you have nothing but an empty biological container. I make it a practice of going to a viewing to support the family but have no desire to "look at the body." Why? That's not the person I knew, they're gone. I prefer to remember people in their best situation, not lying in a coffin. Funerals are for the living. I am at peace with both my Mom and Dad with no regrets should I never see them alive again. Neither has the capacity to know who I am with the severe dementia and advanced Alzheimer's.

It is my position should my Mom, or my Dad, pass on while we are on this trip, or just before leaving, we will not be returning or staying for a funeral. We have a huge financial and emotional investment in this major vacation and forfeiting it will be of no benefit to either of my parents.

I don't feel any guilt for having that position, I have no concern with what others in the family may think. I just know it will create some discussion, possible shock due to perceived disrespect, and I appearing not to have my priorities in line.

I would not place you in a position of asking, "What would you do and why?" However, I would appreciate your insights into this situation and realizing these are only your opinions, I give no guarantee of them affecting my final result. In fact, I may be totally out of line presenting this situation to you guys.

So, comments, insights, thoughts, verbal abuse?

I actually agree with your decision in the circumstances.

When I found out my father was dying I knew I had funds for one trip only, and chose to spend a few days with him before he got too ill to know I was there. I did not fly back for his funeral several months later and my sister has not allowed to forget it, some 25 years later.

Each circumstance is different and you must do what is right for you. I have never regretted my decision, and you shouldn't either.

I totally agree that each circumstance is different.

I also agree that after death, the car is there but the driver's gone.

My brother lived a long way from here my mom passed. His home situation was difficult. When the time came, he asked me, "Should I come?"

I answered, "If you're coming for Mom, no. You came for her when she still knew who you were. If you're coming for me, no. I understand your situation and don't expect you to try to be here. Only come if YOU need to come."

And he didn't come. He didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel offended, and neither of us cared what anybody else thought. Probably nobody else thought about it at all.

From what you said, your parents would be oblivious to your presence or absence. You are at peace with the decision not to go. If anybody else has an issue with that, as my daughter said as a teenager: That's their mental problem, not mine.

I completely understand, and agree that the funeral is for the living left behind, not the dead who has left the building. We do funerals as a way to congregate, and support each other thru a tough time. While many people like to say they are doing it for the dead person, its not really true. We do it for those who are left wondering and scratching their heads. If you want to do something for that person, do it BEFORE they leave! Whether it be sending flowers, a letter, a visit, or making peace with or without them present.

I say God Bless you! take your trip. Stay on your trip. If you get word that mom has passed, offer a prayer where you are, or shed a tear for your loss at sea, but I would not come back, cut your trip short, or interupt your plans. If you are to contribute financially, make sure the plans are in place before you go for them to have easy access to the money. If you want to add something like a statement, prepare it now, and have someone trustred read it.

it sounds like you have made your peace while she is alive, and have no need to continue to do it should she pass on.

I totally agree. Funerals are for the living. Take your trip and enjoy it. Take care

I agree, Craig, with most of what was said:

• Your parents would be oblivious to your presence.
• You say you are at peace with your parents.
• The funeral is for those left behind, not those who are gone.

Those things being said, the funeral is for those left behind. You are your siblings are being left behind.

I attended each of my 3 grandparents' funerals, even though they were 1200 miles away. At two of them, all 12 of their grandchildren were in attendance, and some of them came just as far as I did, from different directions. I greatly appreciated that time with my cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. and am glad that I went. I appreciated the opportunity to remember and reminisce about my grandparents.

However, my attendance was not a large hardship for me. That's different than your situation.

If your family (siblings, whatever) attempt to understand your position, it should be no problem for you not to attend. Remembering and reminiscing can also happen at other times. However, they might not attempt to understand.

If not, my answer is conditional. It really depends on all sorts of details regarding your relationships with your siblings, their expectations of you, how you feel about their expectations, how this will affect your future relationships with them, how important that is, etc.

And, I can't answer those questions any more than I can give you advice. You just need to look for what you think are the answers to some of those issues, and weigh it all on sort of a cost/benefit scale while making your decision.

Best wishes, in whatever you decide.

~ Faith

First, I'm sorry about the situation with your mom and her health.

I 100% would do the same in your situation. Two words in your post jump out at me...."NO REGRETS". Until someone sits in your position/walks in your shoes, they have no say in how you need to spend your time. Whether it be vacationing or grieving the loss of a loved one.

(((((Craig's Mother)))))

I agree with the others, your Mother will know that you are with her in spirit.

I totally agree with you, Craig. And I know from what you've said that your parents would understand.

Funerals are for the living. IMHO.....it's a huge financial and emotional strain for the family that's left behind. If I could have my way I would not want one for myself whenever I pass. But I'm sure my boys feel differently.

Take your cruise.......and you and your wife enjoy your time together while you're together! I see nothing wrong with it and, if other family members need to voice their opinions about it, let them do it to the answering machine!

Your Mom is in my prayers.

I addressed this partially in another thread but I too am strongly opposed to the whole "waiting for death" & "mourning" bit. I am no longer religious (or even spiritual for that matter) but in the religion I formally belonged to people devoted a week to grieving at home then for a year following the death attended service daily to mourn for the deceased. This is OVERKILL! (no pun intended)

I for one want to be remembered for the person I was when I was alive I DO NOT want someone's last memory of me to be dying in hospital bed or lying cold in a coffin.

I have left specific instructions for if I become terminally ill; who can & cannot visit what I would want from visitors etc. And in my final legal papers I have stated that I want to be creamated then on a certain date (which could be days, weeks or months after my actual death) certain special people in my life gather for what I have termed a "Celebration of Life". I have laid out the specifics of what this should entail. I have a friend who is willing to see that my wishes are carried out & she is listed legally as the liasion between myself (when I can no longer speak or advocate for myself) and the living (for lack of a better term).

I was controlled, manipulated & bullied by family for so many years & almost a year ago made the decision to "DIVORCE" a large portion of my family in order to perserve what is left of my sanity. The person who will serve as my "liasion" has been given specific instructions that my bio mom & her band of loony toons not even be notified when I pass.

I have had so much sorris in my life I feel that my death should be a "happy" passing hopefully to a better life.

Remember your parents as they were NOT as they are now.