thank you all for your support.

i did not get into it yesterday because i was too tired.

the day was a mixed bag. some aspects rather upsetting.

the epilepsy center thing is probably not going to work out. they smoke in the office and i can't deal with that. and no windows, and winter. got impression maybe office manager (who smokes) either didn't like me for independent reasons, or realized that i have a problem with the smoke (physical problem: coughing fits leading to deep, dry, chronic cough.) sorry this is upsetting so i don't want to go on about it now, i know i have to talk to them about it... but it isn't so easy, big cultural thing.

my demons are not behaving. separate issue. don't want to explain. NOT a good thing. relative to focus: well, if you are impaired enough, the mind becomes fairly simplistic. that could be viewed as "focus" from the outside.

today i had a terrible time with public transport. interview went well but there seem to be some bureacratic/financial glitches with the end client (happens with body rental / multiple intermediaries) so, really no telling how it will go. you know, people are very attached to their budgets.

i had a very frustrating day yesterday
i had a very frustrating day today

that is all i have to say for now

good that i sound good.

doesn't quite match how i am doing. i cried yesterday morning at the bus stop. then yesterday afternoon i HAD to use lorazepam... andthensome. it is not my regular benzo that i take at night (which i increased). lorazepam (2.5mg sublingual) is my "OH $h!t" drug.... to give you an idea.

~ waves ~

I am sorry that you are not well.
It is too bad about the smoking at the E center....shucks what a dissappointment.
It is getting cooler there as it is here...how are you fairing?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi

i am just trying to muddle along the best i can, in the condition that i am.

i am trying not to worsen the condition, but i can't seem to really improve it much. thought so but not really.

it's really too bad about the epilepsy center. i offereed 10-2 tuesdays and thurs. so when i said see you tuesday to the office mgr she was like, welll, hmm i'll let you know, i mean if there's anything to do. geez, when i talked to the volunteer coordinator - a few weeks ago - he made it sound like an extra hand in the office would always be welcome. so. that's why i think she has some issue with me.

if, before she calls (assuming she does?) monday, i get a green light on the job thing, i won't need to address the smoking issue. i warned ahead of time my time would only be available until i were offered employment, and she knows i am interviewing.

even though, you know, i feel like i should say something to her because really, someone else could run into that. they should not be subjecting volunteers to cigarette smoke. (it's illegal in employment situations but i don't know how it goes with volunteer work. maybe the organization is private, so they don't have to observe the same rules. I DON'T KNOW. but i mean it's still an office environment. any client could come in. it does not seem like a bad idea to make some noise. i just hate to be the one making the noise.)

and whatever happens with her, i also feel like i should make mention it to the volunteer coordinator. if i do start working, the E centger has weekened activities i could participate in. i would not be able to do that right away. but assuming i got used to working and that level of stress, i might... and i do want to make sure upfront this time i won't be put into a smoky envioronment. that's a nogo for me, and honestly i don't think it's much of a positive for them. i used to smoke. and even in my own house, i would go smoke outside. even when it was cold. people who smoke can go outside. there is a courtyard.... hello... there are options.

i was upset about this, because, not foreseeing employment in the immediate future, i hoped to treat my 2 days a week volunteer work with the E center as employment, just not getting paid. but still with the same sense of responsibility. more perhaps because i care what happens in that arena.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I'm sad to hear that you are having such a hard time

Your last posts concern me. Of course you don't have to explain the separate demons if you don't want to. I respect and can identify with that.

I don't think the epilepsy center will work out. It doesn't seem like a healthy or inviting environment. Personally, I would speak to the volunteer coordinator to tell her it won't work out and why.
You don't need to deal with another ***** right now.

I think it's a wonderful idea for you to get out and do some meaningful work! I wish I could find a place that would accept me & I'd do the same. I like to feel purposeful, and would enjoy the bump to my self-esteem.

There are plenty of places that would love to have you volunteer your time!!! And without such friction.
Some suggestions: senior centers, adult day care, food pantries, organizations for the homeless, veterans' programs, recording audio books for the blind, or MS organizations?
I don't know how many of these programs are available in the UK...

I hope that you are able to reign in those demons, and your employment situation improves soon!

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS,

Kay

dear kay

i do not live in the UK

i have looked and looked for volunteer places before

where/how i live it's not so simple. the options i've found would require special qualfications/auth, a car, or both.

i was specifically interested in doing work for epilepsy awareness... it was way cool that i happened to find something in that of all things... and it is way disappointing the way things are turning out. maybe i wasn't being subtly pushed away but it felt that way and it hurt too. and it might not be because of the smoking. maybe the coordinator did not care about my being bipolar but maybe she did. or something, ya know?

i don't feel like looking all over again for volunteer stuff. i have enough going on.

later on, i might be able to get involved in other activities the center does that do not place me in the office / expose me to smoking.

i don't want to talk about the 'demons' because i really don't want suggestions, tips tricks analysese or whatever. but especially, i am upset by my own situation, and it upsets me when folks bring up/ask me about it, specifically, in any old thread i happen to post (like this one, or the old zoloft thread). i tried saying that before, but it didn't work. no matter. i will avoid specifics on forum, and that will fix it.

the point is, i am already doing the best i can and thats about the size of it.

the only reason i say anything at all about this, is to clue people in that things are not as hunky dory as otherwise they might seem.

i do need folks to understand i am struggling, and the struggle involves something akin to "a deal with my demons." i am not just suddenly up and doing great wow cool hooray. there is a dark side and if i can't keep it in check at some point there is going to be a showdown... or a breakdown.

~ waves ~

Again, I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now. I'll say some good thoughts for you & hope for the best.


Kay

thanks Kay. it's got so, every day, it's even hard to post because there's too many upsetting things.... sigh.

i can say, on the postive side though, that demons or not, i am doing a heck of a lot more than before... am a heck of a lot closer to being employed (am trying, am getting called, etc).

thanks for the good thoughts and hope. i am sure that every bit helps.

maybe could you say some purifying charms to help "cast out" my "demons" too?

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Waves,

Drop this place. It is not going to work for you.
The office manager and the volunteer coordinator do not get a long with each other.
As as side note: they are not in agreement about the role of volunteers.

As far as I am concerned, you don't even have to call them to tell them that you are not coming back.

My suggestion is to drop this completely from your mind.
Don't try to figure out how this might work or what is going on.

You have other things to think about.

I admire you for trying to find something that will work for you. I was hoping this would work too, but I think you need to let it go. You will find something better --- a place that is happy to see you and your talents. This is not the place.


M.

lol

Dear Waves,
You are a good story teller.

Yes. What you are doing is hard.
Going after jobs is trying. Remember that interviewing is much much more mental work than doing a job. Remind yourself that they are two different things.
At the risk of being obvious, I am pointing out that you can't compare what is happening now with what will happen when you get the right place.
We are pulling for you.
I hope you find what you need to be healthy and happy.

M.

hi.

i'm still going to call the Epilepsy place and wrap things up with them. i need to do that, for myself. i am curious though, because you know i have had an increasing feeling about the office manager being uncomfortable with the bipolar thing. so i am going to wait.... i am going to see if she calls monday.

here's the thing. shortly after i got there, the mgr left for a quick errand after settling me in with something to do.

i told her i was bipolar later, in a conversation about disability - i was concerned about disclosure for a psychiatric condition. she said but i doubt that's psychiatric ... she did not know what bipolar was. so, goofball here asks if she's heard of manic-depression and she says, well YEAH, but that was like ages ago... i said well bipolar is just the new word for it.

after that, she went on 2 other errands, and had me go with her (there was no need). in one case i declined and she insisted. so, yesterday, it occurred to me maybe she didn't want to leave a "mental patient" in the office with the others, ya know? i'll never know if she doesn't call, but if she does call to ask me to go in, it would prove me wrong. (i'd like to be wrong here.)

regardless, i will not be going in tuesday. i don't feel obligated to talk about the smoke issue with her. i might, or might not.

-------

but at some point i will talk to the volunteer coordinator about things. he sometimes does weekend activities that are not at center...

clearly i will tell him about the smoke and be very clear that i am only open to activities held in a smoke-free environment.

and it might be food for thought for him/them regarding smoking in the center. smoke exposure is bad for everyone, not just those of us who go into coughing fits or potentially land a nice migraine. AND it can be a seizure trigger for some.

~ waves ~