a moderator asked me to start a new thread since the old thread was way to big and it slowed down the forum. so i am starting a new thread. I am still sad besides anxious and fearful so i decided not to be original and keep it as sad.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

Years ago for one year, I taught English as a second language at a middle school in a relatively expensive neighborhood. The students had just arrived from South America. They were the nicest group of students I ever taught.
I was having a very hard time that year with med changes. Those students were good to me.

M

I am so glad you had such a nice experience. Maria is very sweet and motivated which really makes it a great experience. I took it for granted until I realized what a great student she is. I can't wait to see if she can still do the b's and v's and wonder now about the w's.
bobby

Dear Bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
I found your post very painful and identified with. I felt so good on friday with Maria. I wonder if you could do teaching as a second language. I bet you would be awesome at it and you already know at least two languages. I wonder what the requirements would be. You love to help people. Your creativity would come into play. just a thought. I do have confidence in you and feel strongly that down the road you will find something that will give you a purpose. It might not be following your bliss but it will relieve pressure so you can then follow your bliss in music and art.

indeed, that is what i figured i'd have to try. i have academic background in languages but a cert course is also needed. but before that can happen i have to get feeling "ok" again. i have taught before (English, French, and computers) and found it rewarding. it can be frustrating too, but it's human. i need something human.

love

~ waves ~

I wonder how long it would take for you to become certified. do you think your parents would pay for it or could you take out a loan. I know it can be frustrating but the interaction unless the student is really obnoxious can overcome the frustration. Your teaching experience should stand you in good stead(does that expression make sense...i don't know where it came from)I understand totally how you need something human which computers don't supply...they are the opposite.
love
bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
Mari
do you think that is a bipolar thing? I forgot exactly what my former lawyer who helped me get disability said but something to the effect that my work record was like one who was bipolar.

Dear Bobby,
Probably some non-bipolar people move in and out of jobs and positions to some degree. . . . Maybe your lawyer was pointing out how many times you re-invented yourself.
I think it is great you studied Latin and did well. I wish I knew some Latin.

It's a bipolar thing. Mine manifested in my mid 20s. I got hit with depression and debilitating anxiety. Meds mostly alleviated both, but now I have brain fog. The brain fog seems to be worse this weekend . . . and just when I have to get some work done.


M

Have you tried PS100. I think it really helps brain fog. maybe it is just a panacea. my depression and anxiety started much earlier. I bet you are the greatest teacher. The lawyer was also pointing out how little money I had made in my work history. I wanted to strangle him for summarizing my life. It was that painful. As i mentioned before he knew more about being bipolar than anyone i had ever met. it turned out that his wife and best friend were bipolars.
bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
Mari
do you think that is a bipolar thing? I forgot exactly what my former lawyer who helped me get disability said but something to the effect that my work record was like one who was bipolar. It seemed to get progressively get worse. I don't know if it was a steady erosion of my confidence or what. I was outrageously confident in elementary school and seventh grade. Then I went to a prep school which was harder to get good grades. I will never forget my latin teacher telling me she couldn't give me higher grades because i seemed too nervous. ugh. I saw her when i was in college and told her i was getting a's in Latin. so there.
bobby

As much as I keep reading & asking, the pile of what I don't know just seems to grow outrageously. My first job was a dream come true, my next job amazing, & the next *through the sky* unbelievable. Even with my drinking at alcoholic levels, I kept getting work at top money.
The drinking was to squash the situational depression. I couldn't handle my husband's & daughter's deaths. Finally a producer cared enough to take me to AA. Drinking quit working. When I quit drinking thru AA, things got better ... but I could never get back to the professional level. Never tried; knew I no longer had it.

I've done fine in my new careers, but I've always felt them failures. I thought this was as good as it could be. Could the alcohol have been hiding bipolar whatever-it-is? Was it maybe never depression but something bipolar then?

Oh, well. Curious. Doesn't matter. Things are good enough, considering.

Oh, but Bobby! How I wish I'd been with you in college when you met your prepschool Latin teacher & reported your college Latin grades: A's!! Yep, wish I'd been there then !

I didn't get all a's in Latin at Penn but i got a lot...all the teacher could say was that nice. One of my friends told me that to get over the mourning of a husband's death takes two years and i think getting over ones child's death takes forever. So many bipolars medicate themselves with alcohol. My father was one. I wonder why you felt your latter careers as failures. I think a lot of us know we have a lot of potential but our bipolar interferes with our performance which is so frustrating. I wonder how many times you have been told that you were brilliant or something to that effect. I think as a bipolar is it is hard to feel good about ourselves. we are never enough. self acceptance is so hard. I understand the need to drink because then you can escape at least for a while those feelings.
bobby

I really wanted my teaching/theatre careers. It was an ego thing. I made both happen, just kept knocking at doors & using contacts till I got what I wanted. I was good--people said I was brilliant. They paid me as if i were. Then it all unravelled.

I went thru who-knows-how-many jobs. Then many years with computers. Successfully, but not what I wanted. After my mom died, Florida & writing. Again successfully. Finally I began to realize that writing was what I was supposed to be doing all this time. I get little self-satisfaction out of this compared with theatre, but I dont worry & there's little stress. Here is where my true talent lies.

The odd thing about my alcoholic impulse is that it's been very quiet since I was first put on a mood stabilizer. Not one time have I thought of getting a bottle. I guess it's a chemical thing.

I'm glad you've continued this thread. Over 50,000 viewings! Lots of sadness out there & in here both I guess.


(my emphasis --BCG)

i already have this information... in fact we may have talked about it at some point, i am not going to post it here. i had planned to certify starting october. i hadn't counted on getting depressed, let alone this depressed.
even among "difficult" students, i've found only a couple that were truly "hostile" and it didn't have to do with me. other difficult students often have special needs of different kinds. what i found worked well was just to be alert to the individuals, try to identify those needs and get the student past any specific hurdles. if one succeeds this leads to a metamorphosis in a "difficult" student.
development doesn't enrich anyone other than people who are already in top jobs bla bla bla. teaching enriches students, and the teacher as well if s/he is receptive to it. but even if there were no learning on the teacher's part, the process is aimed at having students walk out with more than they had going in, and not in material terms. this is the rewarding part.

i don't find much reward in resolving bugs other than my boss might get off my butt for 5 whole minutes. that's the other thing about development. they always want everything working perfectly, fully-featured... but they want it yesterday which puts you in a double bind between slipping the deadline (heads roll) and hacked solutions, where any hope of clean design goes out the window. And then, low and behold you have inexplicable "show-stoppers" bugs (heads roll). it's a horrible feeling. some people i know love the "challenge" - i don't.

the work environment is so different from the academic one. well, i survived it for a while, anyway.

love

~ waves ~

Waves,


I appreciate how stressful the job was. You do a good job describing exactly what was happening.

M

Dear Bobby,

I don't know much about PS100. I will look into it.
The brain fog situation could probably lessoned if I slept.

That your lawyer had a breath and depth of experience helped him help you. It is hard when an outsider looks about your back background and sheds light on what you already know you are dealing with like the work history.


M

dear waves,
it really sounds as if you have a purpose and it will work out. depression seems to work on its own time schedule. you have just gone through a traumatic situation and it takes time to heal from that. we bipolars can't just bounce back from a bad experience. they are so draining.
love
bobby boy does this sound trite