Today is a bad day because the CFS depression is acting up (it's different from the bipolar depression).


Hubby told me that he told one of my male colleagues that I can't handle teaching or other responsibilities early in the morning. He said that I stay up very late and that having to be in to work at 8:00 am is difficult and that it "messes" me "up for the rest of the day" and I won't be able to do my other job duties that day and so forth.

Before hubby told, it was a well known secret -- my group already knew about it and we never talk about it in front of me.
THAT IS HOW I WANTED IT.
That's my business and my choice.


Hubby thinks it is better to tell people that something is going on than to let them think that I am shirking responsibilities. Maybe hubby didn't know that my group already knows. Maybe he was trying to be helpful.

I'm not feeling helped.

I'm angry and sad. Feel betrayed.

Mostly, I feel shame about being sick.

I'm making a guess that some people withOUT bipolar also suffer from varying degrees of sleep problems. But it is not the same . . . no stigma attached to honest simple text-book insomnia.

And I don't know who to deal with being in at 8:00 am tomorrow.

Freaking out.
M.


And yeah, I know that he was being protective because he is ****** about how the boss is dumping extra stuff on my group now, but, even so, I am still teed off.

He just sounds so sweet..I don't think that is what you want to hear. There are so many millions of people with sleeping difficulties. I was shocked when I read the numbers and of course, I forgot them but millions.
Do you think he was also looking for support?
A few of my friends are irritated with me since I announce it seems to the world that I am bipolar. I don't have a job to protect or a family to protect. I was just worried about my sister's grandchildren in case any of them have the beginnings of it. Myra loves to keep secrets. So did my mother. I am sure that the circles my mother and father traveled in hartford and west hartford knew my father was an alcoholic and it was the biggest open secret...
From what you have written there isn't a malicious(sp) bone in your husband's body. I feel so badly for the bipolars who have to keep it a secret. It just adds to the pressure. I keep on telling everybody it is a mood disorder not a thought disorder. I am trying to take their fear away from us and educate them. Sadly I also stay away from some dear friends when I am depressed and anxious because it makes them feel so helpless. The other day I called my friend John whom I love. I was shocked that I haven't had contact with him for eleven months. I wasn't hurt by this. I just know he worries about me and I have been too depressed for him to handle.
Bobby

Thank you Bobby.
We had a short fight in which I cried and yelled and he acted put upon.

Then we ignored each other for a few hours before he made dinner and we watched a polar bear thing together on pbs -- without talking.

But he's still acting pouty and I've not said much to him after my screaming and crying spell.
I don't know why he gets to feel upset.

I am depressed. I have huge tremendous brain fog. No anxiety really. Depressed and brain fogged to the point of not wanting to do anything except lie down.

I need to iron a top to wear to work tomorrow.

I did manage to shower. That is a big deal. But then I was pretty grungy, even to what I have accustomed myself.

Mari

Mari,

I would be hurt and upset also but like already stated, I think your hubby was just being protective. Talk to him about this and let him know how you feel.

befuddled2

Mari,

I think we posted at the same time. I'm sorry you and your hubby fought. I hope you can explain to him how it makes you feel.

befuddled2

I can't believe you were able to take a shower. Congratulations. That is huge even when not upset. I wonder if you can explain to him in the next few days how imperative it is that you don't want him talking about your personal conditions. If he needs to, tell him to go to a therapist. How is that? Did you ask him to explain his motivations? Does he have personal things that he doesn't want you to discuss with anybody?
Bobby

Oh Mari, that's terrible! I am sure he thought he was doing the best thing for you at the time but that was a serious breech of trust IMO. I hope you aren't feeling that way still, you shouldn't feel ashamed for being BP, though I can identify with those feelings, that is why I haven't added a BP page to my site. I don't know if I ever will either, but to me that's okay. We all have comfort levels, and it's clear yours was imposed upon. Best of luck with things at work. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.

Hi,
Thanks. I like having you people to talk to.

I got to work at 8:00 am on 2 1/2 hours of sleep and did ok.



I think I get super stressed whenever my schedule changes, especially if it involves a morning change.
I even start getting stressed a few days before the change.
And some of this goes back to my early days of CFS. One missed day of sleep would cost me the whole next week. Now it costs me the next day or two and it still stinks --esp when I work so hard to maintain a work/sleep pattern that I can tolerate.

Hubby thought that he was helping me. I believe that.
The boss is acting super weird. Even though she is out on sick leave and being forced to retire, she is still calling my team and giving us stupid extra work to do -- and even keeping us there later or giving us stuff that results in our calling and emailing each other outside of work. Hubby is tired of her pathology and thinks that the boss should stop manipulating and mistreating me.

Perhaps he has gotten a little used to protecting and honoring my efforts to sleep and he wanted to let my colleague know that I was being unduly imposed upon -- this is what I choose to believe for now.


I see what some of you seem to be suggesting: that maybe hubby needs to talk to someone in a therapy type situation about how it is like to live with someone with bipolar. About a year ago I looked into getting him into a free study that involved a support group for family members of people with bipolar. The study was not taking people by the time I found out about them.

Maybe I will think about this some more.

Bobby, Hubby considers everything about him to be personal and off-limits for public consumption. He knows better so maybe something was bothering him. Mostly, I don't think he gets how huge is my fear about being exposed as bipolar -- at least for now. And maybe he doesn't see the sleep as connected to the bipolar.


Mari

UGH. I had to call in sick today (work had a big meeting that is too early for me) because of lack of sleep now two days in a row..
So maybe hubby was right.
If I had not had to get up so early and waste the whole day yesterday, I might be able to cope with work today.

Mari

Hi
For two days in a row I took extra risperdal and I took the whole dose at night and was able to sleep longer. I wonder if that could work for you.
I don't know if you take an antipsychotic. Yes I fought it last night and read until late and had coffee on top of it but it did work.
Bobby