Hi ya all!
I need a little advice right now if you guys have time to spare. How come I feel so worthless. I am having a hard time dealing with my husband right now. I have finally settled my lawsuit against the company that fired me after about 4 yrs of fighting and when I did my husband was not happy because I did not take it all the way to court. I just wanted to get it done because it was taking a lot out of me. I felt that the offer was good enough and was afraid if I took it to court that I would end up getting less as well as them possibly closing my file instead of leaving it open for my rsd. My husband said that it was not enough and I tried to tell him that no amount of money is going to take away my rsd. He still was upset and told me that he was getting tired of supporting me for the last 5 yrs. I told him if he wasn't happy he knew where the door was. He then told me that he could not afford to leave me. I said if that is all you are staying for then just go. He said he also loved me. I told him that when we got the check that I was going to pay off some of the little bills that we accumalated, I was going to catch his fuel bill up for his semi, pay the bill for the repair of his tractor, pay truck country off for his semi,pay his mother off and that the only thing I wanted out of all this money is an above ground 4 foot deep pool with a privacy fence around it. Tonight after talking to him about my daughters school costs for 7th grade he told me we were going to have to wait on a few things. I said like what and he said like the privacy fence and the pool. I asked him why and he said that he was going to need a feeder for his new cattle and that winter was coming and that we needed to get the cattle a heated water tank. It was not my idea to get these cattle in the first place. I asked him to wait until we lived in the house a little longer(we have only lived here a year) and he did not do that. Am I wrong for wanting a little something for myself? I thoght I deserved a little something out of this. Should he get to do what he wants and put my stuff on the backburner because according to him he has supported me for the last five yrs even though it has only been 4 yrs.?I don't usually ask for to much, but once in awhile I would like a little something. I do take care of the house, our daughter, and his cattle while he is gone.I also am going back to school in August. I don't want to spend the money all at one time either. I would like to put away about $5000 in a cd and still have some money in an account for cushioning in case we may need it for something. Again am I thinking wrong, does he deserve most of the money? I have never looked at it his and mine. I have always looked at it as a team that works together.Please help ease my mind!

Tracy

i will be blunt i'm afraid.
i think your husband is being selfish and it sounds as if he MAY not be around forever. i think you would be very wise to put almost all of the money away, in your name, for your care, as you need it. this is not a disease where you get better, and you may, in the future, have needs you have not even imagined, and you may need things to take care of yourself and your daughter in the future. you may or may not get through school, it depends on if your rsd behaves.
if you had a lawyer for this case please seek his advise quickly.
all may turn out well with the relationship you are in, but if not, he will move on and work and live his life, and you may not have anything left and may live in poverty as so many people with chronic conditions do.
please please take care of you. joan

I am thinking as Joan is, however, I would like to add:

Are you in any kind of counseling for yourself? Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you? This disorder wreaks havoc on families because getting into a marriage/relationship, you are not expecting the part of the vow that says WORSE, and in SICKNESS. He might need to get a few things off his chest.

One more thing though, what have the cattle done the last 4/5 years?

On a piece of paper make two columns, then on one column, list out everything he needs to have done, with the semi, the cattle, etc. Then on the second column list your privacy fence. Make sure to include any and all costs estimated or actual. Write at the bottom,

HIS NAME, AS YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE RECEIVING MOST OF THE SETTLEMENT, IT IS NOT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK FOR, WANT, AND GET A PRIVACY FENCE. PLEASE REVIEW THIS LIST AND LET ME KNOW WHAT CAN WAIT FROM YOUR COLUMN BECAUSE I DESERVE THE ONE THING IN MY COLUMN.

Then ask for counseling. If he cannot accept this then what Joan says is true, he loves you but might just be done. Then he doesn't get any - possibly. Talk to a lawyer. In California, settlements are not considered community property to be divided in a lawsuit.

Hugs.

That is some very good advice and observations, Pookie.

You are NOT being selfish for wanting a little something for yourself.

Did it ever occur to your husband that the money that you received in your settlement, wisely invested, would ENSURE that he "wouldn't have to take care of you" if your condition (God Forbid) worsens in the future?

Think carefully on this...Couseling sessions with your husband, so that you each have an opportunity to discuss how your injury has affected you, your husband and the "we" part of the relationship, the dissapointments that you each experienced because of the injury, and future "expectations" with each other wold be extremely beneficial.

Is it possible, now that you have a nice settlement, that somehow your husband "perceives" that YOU no longer "need" HIM? ByHIM tying up all the money for "his needs", that would pretty much guarantee that you would HAVE to remain "dependant" on him...and also, he REMAINS IN CONTROL.

Just a thought.

Ihope everything works out for you. Because, YOU deserve to be HAPPY.

Most Respectfully,

Pookie,
I agree with everyone else. One thing you can recommend has to do with the cattle. Tell him that he can put a rubber ball (large) in the water and where ever the ball is the water will not freeze. the animals push the ball out of the way to drink and PRESTO...the cows have water. If he says that it is stupid, just let him know that other people with cattle and horses do this in the winter so the animals have water to drink.
Mary

I want to thank everyone for there input. It is greatly appreciated. My settlement is not all that great, but it was just to prove a point to the company that they can't just fire someone who gets injured on the job and get away with it all the time. It was never about the money in the first place, I just wanted them to realize what kind of people are out there. That not everyone is just going to shove it under the rug just because they do. I have a disability for life and it is there fault because they did not listen to me when I told them that someone going to get hurt and then it was to late. The settlement that I am going to walk with is just over $28,000 after the attorney takes his share. It is not much but like I said before I just wanted it over. At least I have an open file and the company has to pay for everything that involves my rsd. That is one real good thing out of this since I cannot get health insurance. As far as my husband goes I know he is tired of having to support me, but it is not like I have given up trying to make something of myself. I tried to get another job even if it was part time for about a year and a half after I lost my job. I got denied everytime I tried so I gave that up because it was shoving me further into depression than I already was. That is when I came off the waiting list for voc rehab and started this new journey. I am still trying to make something of myself, but sometimes I feel that is not good enough. What can I do to make myself feel better about things? I don't want my husband to have to feel responsible for me, but I did not ask to get this disease either. He does try to reassure me that he believes that it is the jobs fault for this happening, but sometimes I just feel those are just words that he no longer means. I know here I go again feeling sorry for myself. sorry. I am just stuck and don't know what to do. I also have an 11 yr old daughter to take care of and I sometimes struggle with that because she shouldn't have to deal with a mother that can't do things like I use to. I can tell just by looking at her it gets to her sometimes because she just gets this sad look on her face. She also says things to me like " I wish you could ride bike with me" or "You are hurting again aren't you mom?" If there was anything I could do to take the pain away from her I would. I love her so much and to see her go through this I feel is very unfair. I guess I just don't know how to cope with all of this. It is all so overwhelming. No I don't have a couselor because I just don't know where to turn because I don't have any health insurance to help pay for it. It is just so hard. Sorry if i mess up I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face right now.Sorry for just rambling I jsut don't know what to do. Iam so mixed up with so many emotions right now. I am trying to be tough but it is pretty difficult when it seems that your whole world is crashing in on you. Again thanks for taking the time to read my rambling and giving me suggestions. It helps more than words can say.

Tracy

Pookie,

I agree with everyone also. I especially like the idea where you make 2 columns. Recently I received a settlement for the death of my sister. My husband gave me some input and his opinion, but it was my decision. There were things that he didn't get. This money is because of your RSD - YOUR medical condition. We are all faced with the fact that this isn't going away.
The pool would provide a place for you to do some physical therapy at home during the summer months. Just think how many co-pays that would save you. You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being selfish - atleast this is my two-cents worth.

Please keep us updated. I'm thinking about you.

Oh, Tracy, I wish there was something we could do for you!

Who is the Doc treating you for your RSD? Do you have just ONE Doctor that you TRUST? Perhaps this Doctor could refer you to someone for a littl counseling. You see, part of the settlement money that you got COULD be used to pay for some Counseling..not just for you but FAMILY counseling which includes your hubbby and daughter. I think THAT is a heck of a lot more important than some cows having warm water to drink!

After going through quite a similar experience myself, my PTP explained to me that what you are experiencing with your husband is quite common. Men tend to get very very frustrated when confronted with "problems" that THEY CAN'T "FIX". Seems that men have a MUCH more difficult time ADAPTING then we women do...

It is really important for your husband and your daughter to realize that this injury/RSD doe NOT DEFINE YOU as a PERSON. You are STILL LOVING, INTELLIGENT, COMPASSIONATE, and have MANY, MANY other WONDERFUL qualities that is "Tracy"! It is just that SOMETIMES, your body just doesn't "cooperate". It does NOT mean, however that YOU are "worthless", have "nothing to contribute" and so forth. No one has a right to make ANY PERSON FEEL THAT WAY--not even a DISEASE like RSD.

Sounds to me like YOU have QUITE A BIT TO BE PROUD OF! You DID get a VERY nice settlement! You DID take on your employer, AND YOU WON! ANd, YOU kept your household AND the cows RUNNING, in SPITE of the RSD and the stress of litigating your claim SUCCESSFULLY.

WHEW!! I am tired ALREADY just THINKING about ALL the things you have done, ACCOMPLISHED and have TRIED to do to make your situation better.

Maybe when things calm down a bit, you and your hubby will see, and FEEL, things a bit differently.
But in the meanwhile, see if your Doctor can refer you to someone, JUST FOR YOU, Tracy. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Most Respectfully,

Pookie,

I just read your response - after I sent my message.

I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. If there was something that I could do- I hope knowing that there are MANY people who are also struggling with this disease helps a little. I agree with you that one of the hardest things is how it affects our children. My son went through a time where he thought he was causing my pain. It's soo very hard.

I do think that some counseling would be good for everyone. Just to clear the air a little bit. Is your husband willing to listen and participate in a support group? I do know that most churches have support groups - which might be an option.

Pookie, I am so sorry. I hope your RSD is atleast under control where the pain is tolerable. Please let us know how you're doing - even if you haveto e-mail us everyday to talk.

The posts crossed with me as well...Dealin--what a GREAT idea about the pool for PT! Tracy--the POOL would ALSO be a FUN activity for you , your daughter and your hubby to ENJOY as a family!

I know of Doctors who will PRESCRIBE things like this as a "medical necessity", and it can be DECUCTED from your income taxes. i personally have a friend whose Doc prescribed a JACUZZI, and she and her hubby were able to deduct it from their taxes. Her hubby put up a fuss, but guess WHO was using the using the jacuzzi MORE, especially after a hard day's work??!!

Hey! Maybe add a Jacuzzi to your list, for the WINTER! (if you don't mind the cows taking a little "sip", once and a while...)

Most Respectfully,