[screwballpookie]

Have any of you felt like you are nothing but a big pain in the butt? I feel like that and then some today. I am dealing with so much with my rsd and the pain, but I have other issues as well. I am trying so hard to keep my chin up but how can I when all I ever do is fight. I don't know how much more I can take. My daughter has gotten way out of control. I took her to the docs yesterday and she will start seeing a couselor starting Wednesday.No matter what I do she thinks she is better than me and treats me like crap making my rsd flair even more. All her and I do is fight or she won't talk to me because she thinks she has no problems so she shouldn't have to talk to a counselor. She is 12 years old and has taken a knife to her throat and said she shouldn't even live. She just fights and fights with me. I don't want anything to happen to her I love her to much. My husband and I fight all the time over money. We spend $500+ on meds for me every month becuz work comp hasn't stepped up to the plate yet. I am having to fight them all over again even though things were suppose to be settled. They are dragging there feet again so we have to go after them again.My husbands checks have not been all that good so we are going backwards because of the economy and me with my rsd. I feel like I should just go out in the back 40s and shoot myself so then no one would have to worry about me. My husband told me this morning on the phone that he knew that us girls would rake him blind. I hung up on him. He said that because we had to borrow some money from his mom to get our cell bill paid. My daughter was the one that had that way up but I took care of that and I told him that a numerous amount of times threw the month. I am being hurt over and over again by a lot of people. I can't take much more. I am trying to hold the fort down the best I can but it is never good enough. I just feel like dieing. I don't even want to live anymore because with all of these problems and feeling like i am not loved or even wanted around. I don't want to do this anymore and deal with all the pain. Nobody understands that I don't want to be this way I want to be normal but that is never going to happen. Life is so unfair.What do I do? Pleeeeeaaaaaase help. I am falling in a hole and don't know if I will be able to get myself out. I hate life it sucks. Sorry about all the rambling but I had to get it out to someone. Ever since I got this rsd it has caused nothing but trouble for me. That is why I said I don't even know if I want to live anymore. I feel like nobody would care anyway. Maybe they would be happier then they wouldn't have to look at me or deal with me any more. Sorry again.

Sincerely,
Screwballpookie

[moey1997]

My friend,
One thing that you can be sure of is that all of us here at one point or another have felt exactly as you do ! Not only do you have to deal with the pain of RSD you also have to deal with the pains of daily life. You truly are not alone. But as you know this moment will pass and once again things will be better for you. It is a promise that I see time and time again come true. God never leaves our side even through the darkest of times I have hung onto his love cried out to him to save me from those very difficult moments of suffering and he has never let me down.He will not leave your side. You are a beautiful precious human being and even though your daughter is going through some tough moments now she needs you the most ! As does your husband. When my little one died in my arms I wanted to go with him soooo very badly. I contemplated just what you are. My husband and son were suffering so and my son was doing as your daughter is fighting me as though it were my fault.I dropped to my knees in the worst emotional pain I had ever experienced and asked God to help me find a way to through it. Suddenly an image of my son and husband suffering immensely and contemplating exactly what I was flashed through my mind. I heard my sons words mom why did you leave me when i needed you the most ! I feel your pain my friend. Please let your husband or someone close to you know how your feeling. Reach for life. Even with this horrific disease I now embrace life . I see the beauty of it with brand new eyes. My hugs,thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. Know that you are NEVER alone....

Kimberly,

[NaeNae]

I feel like that on a fairly regular basis!

[Summertime]

I feel this way most of the time. I hope your daughter will find some comfort in counseling. I know my family feels helpless with my health problems and my kids get angry at times also. My husband says he wishes there was a way to take this pain away from me, I know it bothers him a lot as well. I think it's because the way my health is, they see me miserable and they feel helpless as well.

As for comp...I'm in the same boat. I feel lke it's sinking.
Sorry I'm not in the best of moods myself tonight either. The pain is at a high peak.

I do understand, if it helps your not alone.

[Desi]

Pookie, Kimberly said it all so very, very true! Thanks Kim!
Now, Pookie, Your daughter is at that tender age of only 12. ONLY 12 Pookie!! Of course she is going through a very, very difficult time. You and your husband fighting, arguing.. back and forth.. back and forth it go's. Pookie, she most likely feels like it is her fault. Did you sit down with her and tell her it's not?? Pookie, my 8 yr. old sometimes is a real pain in the butt, but she's afraid, Pookie.. she's afraid! You having RSD, your husband and you fighting, bickering, back and forth is no good! No good for you, no good for you! If you decide to kill yourself, where would your daughter go? what do you think it would do to her?? My Dear God, she is 12 yrs. old. If my daughter threatened to kill herself by holding a knife to her throat, You better believe your bottom dollar, I would have her admitted immediately!! Who's the boss here?? YOU ARE Pookie!! YOU!! I have had days where, like Kim, cried out to My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and asked why, Lord do I have another mountain, not a hill.. A MOUNTAIN to climb, why?? Pookie, God loves you so very much, and the enemy would just love to see you kill yourself!! Please, I don't know what your belief is?? I don't know all your circumstances?? But, hang on another day!! Your daughter will only get worse without you!! She needs you, we need you!! God, Pookie please, get you both in together(Mommy and Daughter) in for some therapy. Hopefully, your daughter will open up in therapy. Is there a Christian organization? therapy?? If not, get into some kind of therapy by yourself, then get her in by herself, then you BOTH together. I have been without my husband for a long, long time. I wanted to just cry, blow up over everything, bills were rolling in, clogged pipes, and then some!! My hubby came home today, and I am going nuts! I am so glad that God is healing him day by day. I have to get up every single day, take him to get his daily dose of I.V.(He still has the pic in his arm), I then have to put him in his wheelchair, bring him home, wash him up, give him his meds. cook, bring him his food upstairs on a tray. My little one is scared for us both!! She finally let loose and told me she was scared that both me and him were going to die and she had nowhere to go!! I prayed that she would open up, and she did!! This took her just until July 18 (Right on my Birthday) she finally told me how scared she was!! Pookie, your daughter may be thinking the same thing?? What if my mommy died?? where would I go? She is acting out in a awful matter, yes, by saying, she is going to kill herself, she is fighting with you.. It must be awful to be in her 12 year old shoes. I know, I have to say this, but please think about her.. every time you get these thoughts about killing yourself, ya hear girl?? You are here for a reason, God allows suffering for a reason?? I believe with all my heart that it is to make us get closer to him day by day. Pookie, look at the folks out there who have no legs, arms, blind, cancer invading their bodies. I lost one of by dearest best friends to lung cancer(She never even smoked a day in her life) her breast cancer came back and killed her. She Never complained.. never! She relied on God. I know without a doubt that she is in heaven. Sometimes it's hard to understand why?? Why?? We don't know why, only God does.
Your letter made me sad because you have a daughter and also because you are, seem like such a good lady, Pookie. Don't destroy yourself with all this junk that is going on, do something about it! I do not mean to sound so harsh, but.. Pookie, we all have this crappy disease, yes, I too want to throw in the towel at times, but I'm hanging on because THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TO DO POOKIE!!
As far as no money coming in for your meds, your hubby's checks are all not that good you said, get your congressman a call, call welfare, Churches, anyone?? Pookie, if I EVER hear about you saying that you just want to end it, I will be sooooooooo upset with you again, that I will find out where you live and first of all give you a much needed hug, then lay all the cards on the table. Girl, your worth living, your worth a good mom for your daughter. If she still continues to act, carry on, be the way she is, tell her your THE BOSS, NOT her!! Goodness, she is only a baby still and my bet is, she is so scared, can't open up, keeps everything in and is a time bomb waiting to go off!! What are you going to do when she is in her teens, dating?? Well, I'll tell ya what, she will be telling YOU who she will date, blah.. blah..blah. Pookie, get this solved first with her. If she refuses to listen, punish her, take away the things she loves to do most!! Don't let it get so out of hand that one day, she may get into drugs, drinking to self medicate herself!! Please DO THIS FIRST! You will most definitely be in my prayers, and so will you daughter! Oh, and Kimberly, I am so sorry to hear about your son dying in your arms. That has got to hurt so darn bad, sweetie. Wow!! Your a huge asset to this forum and I just love you so much as everyone else here. WE ARE ALL IN THIS RSD TOGETHER, and I thank God for allowing a guy to invent the computer because we all would not have met, tell our stories, sorrows, joys to. Well, you take care Pookie and if you want my e. mail, PM me.. and I will give it to you! I am not giving up on you!! Much love and prayers, Desi.. aka.. Diane

[ali12]

I agree with Kimberly and Desi on this one - we have ALL been in the same position as you at one point or another so I hope you realise that you aren't alone and that we DO understand what you are going through.

I'm sorry to hear about everything that you are going through with your daughter but you have to remember that she is only 12 years old (even though she might act older!!) so she has hormones raging all over the place at the moment - I know how that feels as I'm a year older than your daughter (i've had RSD since I was 12 years old - i'm now 13) Your daughter is probably acting the way she is, is because she can't help her mom or give you any relief from the pain unfortunately so she probably feels a bit guilty.

One thing you have to remember is that YOU are needed and that YOU are wanted, even though it might not seem like it at the moment people do love you and do need you. If anything was to happen to you or you did something stupid, what would happen to your daughter, your husband and the rest of your family?? If anything was to happen to you, your family would be absolutely distraught!! Please think about other people and your family before you do anything stupid!!

It might be useful to get both yourself and your daughter into see a counceller or a psychologist - they can be very good at listening to people and talking through your problems and could prescribe you medications if they feel that you need further help.

Please don't do anything stupid and if you are still feeling depressed, PLEASE promise me that you will speak to a psychologist and get the help you so desperately need.

YOU ARE NEEDED
YOU ARE WANTED
YOU ARE LOVED
Please just remember that

Sorry, didn't mean to sound so harsh

Please keep us all updated
Alison
xoxo

[screwballpookie]

I want to thank everyone of you for the kind words you used. You guys don't know what it means to me to hear suck kind words. You don't even know me and you guys still support me. I am so thankful for all of you. You are the best. I am really trying to get out of this slump but it is very hard. I do have a new psychiatrist appointment August 28 and thay can't get me in sooner. I tried. My daughter starts couseling this Wednesday.The first psychiatrist I had couldn't do anything for me so he says. I did not care for him anyway.So now I am going to a new psychiatrist but not until August 28. I am on 4 meds which are Lyrica, cymbalta, clonazepam and Nebumatone. It just seems like none of them are working and I also have an scs which has slowed in working for the pain. YOU all mean the world to me. I want to thank you all for not giving up on me. I am doing a little better today but still am dealing with alot and trying to get over it. How do you guys deal with it? I do believe in God. He is my savior, but sometimes I wonder why he lets me suffer so bad and so much at one time. I know he has his reasons,but what are they? I guess nobody knows but I wish I could figure it out. I do think about my daughter before I do anything because I do love her very much. If I ever lost her I don't know what I would do. She is my only child and I think I would go stir craving mad if i lost her. She is my baby no matter how old she gets and I would do anything for her. I would give my life for her if that ever had to happen. I just hate the fighting and her attitude towards me. Can't she see how much I love her?That I would do anything for her? I told her yesterday that no matter how mad she gets at me and no matter how much she treats me like crap I am always going to love her. She just doesn't seem to get it. What can i do to get her to understand that everything I do is out of love for her. This disease or monster will never shut my love off for her. I just want to say thanks again. YOu don't know what it means to me to hear those kind beautiful words. It means the world to me because I don't seem to hear anything like that around here. You all take care of youselves and I will be talking to you soon.

Sincerely,
Tracy

[Diamond Lil]

Hello Tracy: I hope you don't mind, but I looked up the medicines you are taking for possible side effects. This is some that are listed as it may relate to you:
Cloneazepam - depression, attempted suicide
Cymbalta - suicidal thoughts or attempts
Lyrica - mental or mood changes
Nabumetone - depression, mental or mood changes

All people react to medicines differently; some have no side effects at all and others cannot tolerate the same ones.

It may be a good idea to call your doctor or pharmacist to discuss the possibility of your prescriptions causing you to have problems. If the pharmacy supplied a list of possible side effects for each Rx, you may want to read up on them. Also when taking more than one Rx, it may increase these effects.

Good luck! I hope you feel better soon. Regards, Lil

[lostmary]

Tracy,

It is hard hon, I know. I've raised 3 kids, 1son and 2 daughters. There were times when (I'm just kidding, but we all feel this way towards our kids sometimes, and that is ok. We don't act on it, we think it lol), that we could kill them and still be happy. I am blessed that all 3 are now my friends, and I would chose them to be my friends.

My mom gave me the best advice about parenthood. She said that my job was to be a mom, not a friend. They will have a lot of friends in their life, but only one mom. She also told me that we are not good moms until our kids say they hate us. (boy was I a great mom). She was a very smart woman. She also made me realize that they must learn to dislike us before they can become their own person and come back to us. that doesn't mean they got away with much. I was still Mom...and I knew all the tricks they tried to pull. then they would say they hated me and wish they had never been born, etc etc etc. I would say "that's ok...I still love you" they would get sooooo mad. Our job is to bring our kids up to be good adults. In order to get there, they have to dislike being with us, and our ideas. then they want to move on to adulthood. If it is too nice for them and they are always taken care of, they don't want to leave us and go on their own. In as much as we would love to have them with us always, they do need to become their own person and move into adulthood, think their own ideas, and try to save the world on their own terms.

This seems to ramble (don't we love rsd), but what I'm trying to say is that our kids seem to be able to hurt us because they know we love them and they are safe with us. Sometimes a hug can help, but if it can't don't take the "I hate you" to heart. They don't, they just have times when they can't tell us in words.

Hugs
Mary

[Imahotep]

Hang in there.

When you start getting control of the symptoms the other things will start falling into place. This thing is life changing for most of us but some of the changes really can be for the better. I spent my whole life living in the future. Now that the future is so uncertain I can live in the moment much more.