My brother committed suicide in 2001. I still don't know all the details, but he was impulsive and he owned a gun. That was that. Because of the grief from it I never thought that I would feel that way. But, something so horrible just happened to me that I can't mentally deal with it. I was really physically ill and all these medical care providers told me it was just anxiety and wouldn't help me except to try to shove drugs in my face. I went to the hospital and they called my doctor and the hospital made me leave because they said it was anxiety. I laid in my room for days and my nervous system just about did me in. No one knows what it was, but it damaged muscles, dimmed my vision and caused horrible pain. I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't know what the point of life is. Some people who I thought were my friends never even showed up to help get groceries. Although there are things to read about why not to commit suicide, it just doesn't seem to make sense. What is the quality of life when you have no money, crappy medical insurance and years of rehabilitation to look forward too--and it could have been prevented? Maybe it is the coward's way out, but then again the psychological trauma of screaming for help and not being believed was like a horror film. I will never trust a counselor again because he was the one who did this to me--said that I was anxious. Who wouldn't be anxious if every nerve in their body hurt. I never want to see another psychiatrist again, ever.

Lily, no please.

Honey I know it hurts and doctors can be a$%holes. When I was first sick or hurt my doc told me it was anxiety and gave me meds and had me see a psychiachrist. And he was wrong and later apologized for misdaignosing me.

And I was freaking out so of course anyone would be anxious if every nerve in their body hurt.

Please keep going to different docs until you find someone that can help you. There is that someone who will help. Someone who will help you heal yourself.

And I am sorry that no one helped you with things around home. Gosh people just do not know how to deal with sickness. Especially if it has no name that is common. You will find out who your real friends are. But please do no judge them for not meeting expectations.

LIke me, you are in this situation now. While you have to grieve over what you have lost please do not give up. Break it down into little pieces and take one step at a time and soon it will get more and more maneagable.

Someone better to help will come and read your post soon. But for right now I am hear and listening.

Please lety me know you are ok

Just in reading your post I can feel in my chest some of the helplessness and hopelessness you must be feeling. I have had experiences similar to yours, and still deal with many of them each day. It's so hard that sometimes I too wonder what the use of it all is. Especially in the mornings when I first wake up, and realize all over again what my life has become.

I would really like to talk to you about this, but I don't really feel comfortable discussing some things on an open forum. If you are willing, I would rather talk via PM or e-mail. No matter what else you decide, p-l-e-a-s-e don't do anything sudden or rash. Think it through with another person. There are those who believe that every person is a very special being. I am one of them, and know a lot more.

Lily, it sure sounds like you've been through a terrible time, a hideous time. I am so very, very sorry you've had to deal with this especially without the support you've needed.
I wish I were there to wrap my arms around you -- and go get groceries !!

I do understand what you're feeling and my heart aches for you. I've been through some of the same thing but somehow, SOMEHOW I found better doctors and got a bit better help.
Please see if you can take one more step - I know each step is hard - and get to better help. Have you tried a university hospital? They offer better help.
And keep talking - I've lurked here and learned how these people listen. That's why I'm here.

Hi Lily,

I was wondering if you could email, send letters, call or somehow contact any specialists with a detailed break down of your symptoms, tests and history - and ask if they will take your case on. You might find a Dr that will be up for the challenge to help you.

I can imagine how frustrating it can be to not be taken seriously by the Drs and to have "friends" seem to disappear when you most need them.
Is there anyone that you can ask for a bit of help at this time?
Family, friend, neighbor?

Check back here and let us know how you are OK?

((((((Lily)))))),



I know what it's like to lose a Brother to suicide. My Brother committed suicide in 1966. He was 11 months younger than me. He was the other half of my soul. We completed each other's sentences. We looked alike. We were like twins.

He was in the Navy. He took an overdose of pills. I KNOW in my heart that his "best friend" got him the pills. My Brother was a hospital corpsman and his friend was studying pharmacy.

His friend didn't want to tell me ANYTHING. I just found out that the friend is working in Florida as a nurse. He saved someone's life and was published in a local newspaper. I've only recently gotten a real urge to talk to this **** and found out WHY. I've lived for close to 40 years without knowing why -- other than there was something wrong with him (which I felt internally).

Lily, please don't do anything that you'll regret or that we'll regret. Suicide doesn't solve any problems -- it just puts the problems off onto someone else -- family, friends, co-workers, forum-mates.

I just went back and read all of your messages. You've been struggling for quite awhile to find out what's wrong with your body -- haven't you. Struggling with your health on top of trying to figure out how to deal with your Brother's suicide. I *KNOW* in here that you haven't gotten your balance back from losing your Brother. I *KNOW* because it took me over 13 years to start getting my balance.

When you lose someone to death because of an illness -- there's a reason. When you lose someone to suicide -- when there's no real explanation, it's harder -- beyond hard, damn near impossible to get your balance back. It takes a lot of help and a lot of soul-searching and a lot of looking inward to get your balance back.

In 1990, I shampooed my hallway carpet and got some of the spray on the kitchen floor. I stepped onto the kitchen and hydroplaned right across the whole room and sat on my thumb They thought it was broken. It wasn't but it hurt like heck and it was black. I started getting pain in BOTH wrists. The neurologist could tell by touching my hands and my wrists (he was Chinese) that there was something wrong on both sides. The nerve and muscle conduction tests indicated that there was something wrong on both sides.

I did an exercise recommended to me by someone (I can't remember who) -- sat down on the floor with big paper and big crayons and drew my pain. The picture was of a girl standing next to a cemetery plot with a knife in her hand. She was trying to cut off her hands to prevent the person (my Brother) from pulling her into the grave. I had tried over and over to commit suicide -- the last attempt was in 1979. But, I was living in a way that was going to kill me. I wasn't visualizing a future for myself.

That's when I realized that my pain was being caused by my Brother telling me that I COULD NOT join him -- I HAD TO let him go.

Lily, this is only based on my own personal experience. I am no kind of professional. My gut instincts are telling me that you have some major work to do regarding your Brother and this is why you're so sick now.

I've gone through several periods in my life where The Universe demanded that I look again at my life and my Brother. Times where there are big changes in your life: when you turn 21, when you have your first child, when you start losing your parents, when you start getting "older" and start experiencing menopause, when you retire. These are only some of the situations that The Universe will communicate to you in a BIG WAY that you need to look at yourself and your life and make sure you're living the BEST THAT YOU CAN.

Lily, please don't do anything that we'll regret and that you'll regret. Try to get any books that you can that are written by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman. He's spent his whole life trying to help people cope with all sorts of losses. Try to find a caring priest or rabbi that you can talk with about your Brother and about the fear and the pain that's still inside of you.

Get yourself some blank books and carry them with you 24/7. Write every feeling -- good feeling, bad feeling, good memories, bad memories -- this helps you organize and sort your thoughts so that you don't have to have them running around inside your head. It'll also show you that you're stronger than you think you are. You WILL get stronger too.

That's how we heal. We get out the "needle and thread" and we stitch like crazy until all the torn broken places are fixed. Eventually our SELF looks like a huge patchwork quilt -- stitches all over the place -- but, much stronger because of all the stitches. And more able to help others that we meet along the way that are just starting out on the journey through hell.

Lily, I wish more than anything that you weren't having to suffer through this. If there were a way for me to go there right now and take every single bit of pain away from you -- I would in a heartbeat. The only way to get through the pain is to go through it. When you go through it, you understand it and it can't hurt you anymore.

Rabbi Grollman was "my Rabbi". He helped me through my divorce. He helped me explain the divorce to my son. He helped me when my Mother got sick out of state. He helped get her transferred here to a hospice. He's a wonderful, caring, sensitive man. He said in a sermon once that you study that which you fear the most. He said that's why he became a thanatologist (that's someone who studies death).

I studied suicide because it was sitting there waiting to take me. And because I wanted to know why my Brother chose that option.

Hang on tight, Lily to all of us. We understand the pain that you're in and we can help. Bless you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

((((((( lily ))))))))

I know dealing with physical and mental/emotional at the same time can be OVERWHELMING...leaving us to feel helpless and worse, hopeless as well as isolated. I do understand. I've been there and will be again.

I deal with nerve pain as well at PSTD due to being a survivor of horrific (some say) childhood abuse. I've been in the places where NO ONE was hearing me...no one. They didn't hear my screams and cries...pleading for someone, somewhere to just HEAR me.

Lily, I HEAR you. You're not alone.

Let us hear you and be here for you as we can. Let us help you gain the resources you've lost and hopefully you can have the strength in real life to keep screaming until you're heard. Not all therapist and psychiatrists are like the ones you've just dealt with. Therapy saved my quality of life...literally.

Honey, you're not alone. We care that you hurt. We hear your cries. You'll never be alone while we're here.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk in a more detailed manner, or if you'd like to talk on IM, OK? I will watch for a PM from you even if I don't show online. I've been where you're at and it can get better.

KD

lily sweety, you did the right thing. you reached out for help and we are here for you.

you aren't alone. some of us here have lost family members and friends. we know your pain. we know how it feels to think you could never have those thoughts...and then the grief hits you so hard..there they are.

but i a big difference lily...you know the pain of having ben left. you have what it takes to get through this. you have the strength to reach out. that takes guts!

call the support number lily. they are awesome. they will listen. really hear you like we do. or got to :
http://www.suicidehotline.com/

we have a sticky on what you should do if you are alone and thinking of suicide:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=238

lily...if you are reading and want to go into the chatroom here, send me a pm. i can chat the night away with you.

Dear Lily

we care and we understand

I hope you will check in soon and let us know you are ok

Hold on, Lily. There are many here who can relate to your situation.

Life sucks....but only when the life is sucked out of you. I would not suggest following in your brother's footsteps. Give yourself some time to regroup and re-energize.

If you believe your pain is due to a physical illness as opposed to an emotional illness, I would also suggest a university hospital. Physicians on staff there are more into research, and tend to be more curious about solving "mysteries." There's a down side to that as well because even then you'll have to place your trust those physicians.

Neurological illness can be very difficult to diagnose, so it is a good idea to write down all your symptoms.

It could also be, as Moose said, a universal sign for you to work on any unresolved issues pertaining to your brother.

My mother used to attempt suicide often. The rest of the time she talked of wanting to die. The doctors told us she was a hypochondriac and that we should ignore her attention-seeking behavior. I viewed her as weak and pathetic.

She came very close, but she never succeeded in committing suicide. She was finally diagnosed with a very rare illness called familial amyloidosis. Unfortunately, I still believed the Hypochondriac diagnosis, so I never believed her. I thought all her problems (blindness, immobility) were due to her being diabetic.

The last 10 years of her life were absolutely miserable. I actually felt sorry for her and thought maybe it would have been better if she had succeeded in her attempts.

She died 8 days after my father died from lung cancer. I didn't really question why she died because she told me the day before she had a dream my dad was coming for her. The docs said it was a sudden onset of sepsis, combined with a strong will to die. I believed them because she'd been with my dad for 48 years, and he loved her dearly.

Five years after her death, I found out I have familial amyloidosis too. I had an eye exam at LensCrafters, and the optometrist freaked out when he looked into my eyes - told me to find a corneal specialist right away because it looked like I had Christmas trees etched into my corneas. I tracked down mom's old eye doc, and he confirmed the diagnosis.

If mom had succeeded in her suicide attempts, she never would have been diagnosed with amyloidosis. She was the only known case in the U.S. back then.

I know now what mom was going through, and I can see why she felt suicidal. The pain sends me through the roof sometimes. The scary part for me is knowing it's going to get a LOT worse, and the thought of being totally blind still terrifies me because I've ALWAYS had trust issues.

I sometimes fall into deep despair, as witnessed recently. It helps to release all those emotions (fear, frustration, anger etc.), then spend some quiet time (either in prayer or meditation). Sometimes the answers will come to you, sometimes the right person will come along to help you, sometimes all you needed was a little "down time" until the clouds pass and you can see a little joy in life again.