I have mentioned before that when I was diagnosed the doctors told me, this is known as the worst affliction known to man (pain wise) the bad news, it isn’t fatal. I went through a trying time. I did not want to live in this pain every day for the rest of my life. I wanted to end my life. I felt no shame in that then, or now. I believe it is a very normal feeling. If given a chance, who would choose to live with this pain?

What was asked of me on Monday… and has been racing through my mind since is…

Do you think your Dad knew this was coming with Lynn?
Do you think, it was part of his decision to take his life.
Between the return of his cancer, and knowing this…
he took his life before you took yours.

OMG!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I talked about this with my doctor and a few family and friends…it was said to me……
it is no secret, we all feared the day Lynn died…
We feared your will to live would break.
That either by God’s hand or your own …
One way or another - we were going to bury you that day too.

It seems this was well known to everyone -but me. I don’t know how that is though!!! I have lived life with the most positive attitude I could muster. I never again spoke of taking my life. Never once!!!! I put on my smile, I laughed, I shared, I loved. I truly have enjoyed life, I gave everyone my all. How the hell did they 'know" that?

It also seems everyone else could clearly see the rapid decline in Lynn . My brother said he was shocked when he saw him last. He thinks because I see him every day, I didn’t notice it as much. That I blamed his decline on Dad’s death… when in fact, it had started months before.

Now though, this is haunting me. Did Dad "know" this? My step mom said he did.
Well hell!!!! Did I contribute to him taking his life? Could he not bear the thought of losing his child…
That combined with his own illness……. He took his own life?

I am so mad at him right now. He took away my plan. My ace in the hole. I can’t do as he did, as NOW I KNOW the hell it leaves behind. I can’t and wont do that to my family. And to boot, Now, with all the physical pain, I am left with the emotional baggage that I contributed to his choice and the pain of losing him. And yet , now - I have no plan.

I’m not sure what causes this particular character flaw of mine, but I implore everyone else to seek help in their pain… with depression.. Yet I feel if I do, I am a failure-weak. I saw the craziness in this last night. I called my doctor today, and he was relieved to hear me admit I was depressed and would like to try the medications again. He said only if I didn’t admit that I was depressed in all of this, would he think I was crazy LOL He can always make me laugh.

Ok, I am going to go hug Lynn!

Thanks in advance for letting me share. Nikki