[Koala77]

Most people know that our grandson William is just about the most important other person in mine and my DH's lives.

William's dad had his 30th birthday 3 weeks ago, and there was an afternoon tea to celebrate. Trouble is DH a gastric upset that day and was vomiting badly, all day. We rang and said we couldn't come, and why... but since that day DS and DIL have kept our DGS from us, completely.

DIL is a stay at home Mom, but when we ask if we could drop in to see our little man, DIL keeps saying sorry, but that she's going out..... every single time! She will not give one day, morning, afternoon, an hour, not one day where there were a few minutes for us to see our GS.

We have not seen our William in 2 months, and we live less than 2 miles from their house.

My DH has a 60th birthday coming up in 2 weeks and I've organised a dinner out to celebrate. They're invited but won't even say if they'll be there or not.

We spent over five thousand dollars in removalist costs, moving from another state to this one, just to be close to our little man... now we're feeling quite distraught. Our lease is up in January, and we're thinking of just moving away again! What's the point of staying here if we're not allowed to see our DGS?

We're going to face DS and see what he says, but even getting a few minutes of his time on the phone or in person is getting hard. He just never seems to be available when we phone.

I think they're both throwing tantrums because we couldn't be there for DS's birthday. Let me tell you that he did drop in and collect his birthday gift though! My DH thinks that DIL is the problem, but I don't know.

Apart from asking them straight out what their problem is, what do you think we should do?

[Twinkletoes]

Anne, I feel so bad for you! I know you would have been to the party if you could have. Sounds like you are being punished.


When my son got married 3 years ago, it was obvious my DIL did not care for me. It was so hard to think my son could love someone who didn't love ME! I tippy-toed around for quite awhile, wondering what I had said/did that offended her. She liked my husband a LOT, though. They could talk and talk w/o any problems.

Mystified, I over-analyzed everything I said and did while in her presence. I decided I had no choice but to love her. So I did my best not to tread on her toes.

The turning point began several months later when I drove to her house to apologize for something that could have been taken in a different manner than I had intended it. It totally caught her off-guard (she hadn't been offended). I apologized and said how sorry I was. It was late, so I gave her a quick hug and left.

Things begin turning around after that. I think she no longer perceived me as a threat.

Still, when the baby came, it wasn't easy to spend "alone" time with her. It was like I was the competition.

I think it's over now. We can talk and laugh and understand each other.

It took a lot of prayer and patience.



My dear next door neighbor went through a similar struggle with her DIL. The DIL would never offer to "share" the kids with their Grandma.

But now they are old enough to demand it, and I see them visiting from time to time.



Please be patient, Anne. I know you need that bright little spot of sunshine in your life. William is such an adorable little guy!

I know you're hurt, but don't be anxious to move away. Just keep trying to appeal to those exasperating adult children. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll need you for a babysitter. (Happened to me!) Isn't your DH going to get a Lorakeet? That might be a good icebreaker. Cookies are good. "Impulse" items bought while shopping could help. Who can resist a bright bag of goodies that someone left hanging on their door?

I wouldn't confront them about it. Just keep trying, Anne. Keep smiling (at least on the outside). They can't resist you forever, esp. if you keep showing them love! Little William needs his grandparents. And I know you need him.

There's nothing in the world like a hug from your grandchild. Prayer and patience is my recommendation. And lots of love. The wait is worth it. and one more for good measure:

[Blessings2You]

What a heartbreaking story! I'm so sorry. Ro gave you some very good advice. The "reason" could be some little thing that was misinterpreted and you may never know what it was. Please keep us posted, and I'll be praying.

[Dejibo]

I would invite her OUT for coffee. this way you are not showing up unannounced at her door trying to catch her off guard just to sneak a bit of time with the kid. you are acknowledging her as a parent and in control. Anyway...get her off for coffee, and tell her how you feel. That your heart is broken that you were not able to attend that party, and since then, you feel that maybe things are off. That if you have done/said anything that has been viewed or perceived as offensive, or rude that you want to apologize here and now, and lets sweep the floor clean. Give her time to speak. LISTEN to her. She may have taken a tiny thing and be blowing it way out of shape, but to her it may just be blistering a hole in her heart.

DONT show up UNannounced to try to sneak your way in for a visit. That will make things way worse! Please approach her with respect and love. EAT CROW if you have to, even if its not your helping to eat. I am sure you will do what you have to for the sake of the grandbaby.

[DM]

Hello dear sweet Anne~ Just jumped online for a second, as am at DD's, but your thread jumped out at me. I know how sad you are about the recent developments w/DS adn family. I think you are probably right about your DIL being the culprit.

I'm keeping you in my prayers dear friend, that your DS will come to his senses and realize that it is not fair to lil William to be kept from his loving G'parents. Your DS probably feels caught in the middle, but that is no excuse.. One thing you do not need is more stress!!!!
Maybe DS needs to be reminded that he only has one set of parents! Sure hope this gets resolved soon, Anne~ take care of yourself.

Sending you hugs and prayers.....

[ewizabeth]

Dear Anne,

That is heartbreaking. I can't imagine going through that with a grandchild. It also sounds to me like it's the DIL. I hope things will be better soon and you can see your DGS.

[yeahbut]

Anne, I am so sorry to hear this. Breaks my heart to think your DS would do this, I agree I think it has to be the DIL. I think you should just confront your son when you can and just ask.

The saddest part is little William is missing out on his wonderful grandparents and you him. At his age they change so much and grow so fast. I pray you get this resolved and soon!

[Kitty]

Hi Anne....I'm so sorry about what's happening. Since your son did show up to get his present maybe that is what's bothering your DIL. Do you think perhaps she feels that you don't want to see her....but you do want to see him? I'm just speculating....no basis for it but sometimes women tend to be a bit competitive. She might feel like she has to make him pick.....her or you. It's too bad that it has to be either. I don't know her or her disposition but I do know some women who think that they have to be "queen bee" and if she feels this way then she isn't going to want to share anything with anybody.

Maybe you could send her a nice card and invite her to lunch or coffee.....give her a choice of dates and ask her to let you know which is good. If that fails I'd speak to my son and let him know how hurt you are and tell him you want to fix it regardless of who is at fault.

Good luck....I know you want to see that sweet grandbaby.

[lady_express_44]

Hi Koala.

I think Twinkletoes has given you some GREAT advice . . . but for me, I just know I wouldn't be so humble. It would probably be my unraveling, but I am way too direct of a person to handle it the excellent way she has suggested.

Without knowing all the circumstances, there is no way to guess why there is currently a problem . . . but it seems this problem is bigger then what happened with your son's birthday. You say you haven't seen your Grandson in 2 months now, yet the birthday situation happened only 3 weeks ago . . .? Has that been your choice, their choice, or just the way things worked out? If you (or they) want for him to have a strong bond with you, it seems to me that will not happen with 2-month gaps in visitation.

In all honesty, I've never run into a guy that has stood beside his wife on an issue like this, UNLESS he is carrying some grudge against his parents too. In my experience, men try to stay as far away from the family "drama" as possible, and even if their wife is the "problem", he will find a way to come and visit his parents behind her back (if necessary). NOTE: I don't necessarily agree, but that's what I've ALWAYS seen happen.

My first guess is that your son is mad at you for something, and she is standing beside him. It is good if that is the reason, as you have every right to talk to your son about this if it is an issue between you and him, not an issue between his family and you.

My second guess is that they are having marital problems, and they are both just trying to keep afloat. What you want has nothing to do with this, and what's happening with you is not as important (to them) at this point in time.

My third guess is that there is a problem with the dynamics between them and yourselves, i.e. they feel like you are judging them as parents, they feel that you spoil their child, you've let them down a few times when they really needed you (due to your health or whatever), etc. (who knows?).

Either way, I think If she is never available when you want to come visit, then try to pre-arrange a day to have your grandson . . . like two weeks from Thurs, or the 22nd, or every other Friday . . . I know that is hard to do with your health so unpredictable, but chances are that either you or your husband will be ok on that day, and you'll have to work around sickness that either of you have, i.e. it doesn't take two to accomplish this visitation schedule.

If that doesn't work, I think you have to have a confrontation with your son to find out what the real problem is.

Like I said, I like Twinkletoes idea better, but I couldn't do it so I am suggesting another alternative.

Cherie

[SallyC]

Awwww, Annie, that stinks.. You are not the only one suffering...so is your Grandson. Loving Grandparents are very important in a child's life and growing up.

It sounds like DS and DIL, need to grow up a bit. If they have a beef with you that's one thing, but, using your Child to punish, is soooooo wrong and sooooo immature..Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

A talk with them is deffinately in order, before too much damage is done.

Good Luck..