I am not sure my words will convey

I'm numb. My teaching career wasn't a fluke but a beautiful epiphany.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I hated school, loved sports and friends. Survived until college. Loved college. Had no idea I could LOVE learning. Changed my career to reach all those kids lost like me.

I have a teammate I teach with. We started the same year, same grade and have stayed together team teaching. Our beliefs and compassion is the same. She's my other half and I hers in the teaching world and best friends outside .

We've never given in, or up when anything was against our kids and their rights.

My career gone. My husband didn't need the report he says. So lovingly he's trying to help me see. He sees the changes and how I struggle now.

Why do I feel I'm in denial all over again starting the grieving all over. Why can't I just face it and move on. My logic tells me to, my mind refuses to accept.

No driving. My utmost independence gone in just seconds. Our active adventurous lives drastically horribly turned 180 and us left trying to collect our bearings. Where to go from here...

I still had hopes of going back in August. Is it the old me in there fighting? I'm not sure.

Peace and wellness,

Jace

Thinking of you and big !!!!

Your post really and truly brought tears to my eyes.

I left management consulting and pursued my phd and teaching career in order to have a career to feel more engaged and more fulfilled. The students were so wonderful and there were so many interesting and kind people I met and learned from along the way.

I also talked to the accommodations people at the university today. She couldn't come up with anything other than a tool (i.e. an iPad or an audiobook). I told her I would ask my doctor at Berkeley for her suggestions. I suspect I am also where you are.

There is no mourning period more painful than the one you are entering. It is not one entered by choice.

I'm so sorry- It's one of those brutal transition periods. I've heard of post-traumatic growth--but it somehow seems to undermine the pain of having to move from a place that has given you so much joy.

The only solace I have found is in the hugs of my family. Simple and profound. Your husband sounds like such a soul.

Do mourn. Do be angry. Do take pride in the many of children you did get to reach along the way. Do know that there will be a tomorrow. Until then,
do be kind to yourself.

Berkley,

I can't get my mind around this. I feel numbness.

My otologist and neurologist have been waiting on these results. I think they already knew. My husband already knew.

I feel like I have a force field keeping reality away from me. A refusal to accept?

I can say what's wrong. I can hear it. But it ends there.

Time. I keep thinking about time.

This can't be the outcome. I've lost so much already. My family has lost so much.

Yesterday, I remembered back in spring '13 I was trapped in my mind. I couldn't find my way out of my head, so disconnected and no longer the old me. Panic overwhelmed me and fear was ever present and in my dreams also. That incomprehensible reality was horrifying. My soul was tortured.

Whatever I have to deal with now is better than that. This feels different. Horrible, but different. If I had not healed past the point above I would have taken my life. Not now.

At some point I will survive this, like everyone else before me on here. I used to think that by 18 months my life would be healed. That when the lawsuit is over I will be healed cause you wait to settle til you're healed.

It's settled but I'm not healed. ?

Jace

Jace,

I hope you can find some peace today. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
M-i-m

I cried reading your post. I know the pain. It's like mourning your own death - but somehow having to go on living.

Please try not to give up. Your posts are ordered, coherent and thoughtful. You are NOT without ability. I read your words, and know that you will improve. You are WAY far ahead of where I was at your stage. The neurologist told my husband my case was hopeless.

For now, I'd say, give yourself a little time, and do kind things for yourself. Then, start to look into cognitive therapy. Attention Processing Training transformed my post TBI world. When I started, I couldn't count backwards or even circle all the triangles on a page of simple shapes.

Your passion for teaching is undiminished. I feel that you will improve and predict that you will find a niche helping other TBI patients to do the same.

The brain is amazing - and so are you.

It's true...honor the feeling of wanting to help, even if it may not be in the same setting. You will transition from this to some one different.

Then, there may be another student body to teach. (It's my secret mantra now getting me through).

My lawsuit settled, but after health insurance took their liens (I had no idea they could recoup their costs! I thought that was what premiums were. no wonder they have record profits. how am I ever to save for years of not being able to work!) No closure.

I saw the neuro-ophalmologist yesterday. After almost a year, little change in my vision. Very frustrating. Breathe.

Be kind to yourself. There will be some good change. Some kindness along the way. Some chocolate. Some rainbows. Some hugs. Promise.

Same here! The medical insurance company wouldn't have been able to recoup their costs, if I hadn't elected to sue - so why didn't they have to cover a portion of my lawyers' fees?

It's a total scam, designed to rip-off disabled people for the benefit of lawyers and insurance companies. I will NEVER not be bitter over this.

So apparently it's takes about 10 days for the shock to stop. My heart still has a bit of a dust up going on but I'm thinking less 'this is it' thoughts.

I will keep pushing and finding my way. I think of what I do have and I'm so fortunate. I'm rich with love, family, and friendships. I can breathe and walk on my own. Time to make a new life.

Thank you all for your support. I'm out of panic mode once again.

Peace and wellness,

Jace