bobby, I too have the concern for our gal

Waves,
As a mom with one of my kids, or my peeps, I would worry it is a crutch that could back fire or fall out from under.

waves, you may think the alcohol is taking the edge off, but it is replacing your rational thoughts process that you need to rely on right now.

I would find something else that vents it out, or eases. I rant, to no one....
let it come out in tears instead of penting up, and then pick up my boot straps and put them on ready to face that which challenges me.

You already are questioning the reason and effect, but do you accept the results?
I do not want you hurt in your potential to teach by this agency to act on detecting alcohol. They would put that in a discharge, and it will be in your record. Don't give them that ammunition.

think of all the people you are going to help teach one day if you saw this issue in a student and treat yourself with as much proactive advice.

Don't add fuel to this mans fire. He is just waiting and acting nice. Be like our Marines have a saying.
Be the best you can be.
Hugs
di

Dear Steve - thank you for stopping in, and for the advice - in future i may have to look into protected categories to get the kind of accomodation you suggest. sometimes folks are just nice, other times you have to make them play nice by sticking a bunch of rules around them. and then they still not nice but tolerable is what i'd be shooting for.

Dear Di. i am sorry to disappoint you. i am sorry, i am not a trouper.

i know i don't have the best solutions right now. the good solutions are not working and "bad solutions" are... well if something is a "solution" then bad becomes quickly relative. how bad. least of all evils. do i leave work at 3, drink and go home, or do i leave work at 2, drink some, go back, work the rest of my 8 hours (producing stuff - that is still "right" the next day), and drink the rest of my quota?

you might think alcohol renders me dysfunctional and i am just unaware. i don't drink enough to get drunk - just to barely feel it. but you'd be surprised how adaptive one can get, and others adapt too. later things start to degrade. no i don't want them to degrade... and i do put that pressure on myself, i do not need others too. i am afraid and when others tell me these thing s i grow more afraid and just want to *drop everything* and hole up.

there isn't any agency that is going to write me up. they might not give me the months pay and waggle a finger. it isn't illegal. i'm protected by very few rules. but i'm also not bound by the rules that bind "employees."

i am not justifying the amount i drink - it is a net "too much." just saying there isn't a disciplinary issue. where i lived before they could kick you off the grounds same day, but that is not here.

btw, the employee cafeteria serves beer ... a few have it.

i am not doing it for taste... (only rarely, with pizza.)

if i can say something to help reassure... it is not something i desire or miss on weekends. we didn't even have it with the crepes coz we ended up only having the salty kind.

~ waves ~

there is another explanation...

he had never complained to the manager...

now this coordinator is brought in,
the whole deal is about a comment he made to her
and my boss is told and
i have to justify my time left and right
when i've been working and re-working crazy-dude-change-your-mind-s-don't-talk-about-design code?

but suddenly i am in the ****
i work in her company
she coordinates me
i've been in the reverse situation
i take the employee to the side
and say the client expressed concern with throughput
what's your perspective
i see the person is there... they seem to work
if my duties REQUIRE i advise a superior
i tell the person, hey, i have to advise a superior
that the client said something, fyi

nope
she did not do that
not a team player that one
not with me anyway.

and not the only time either
we were supposed to do a hand off and
she managed to really shorten it and
defer most to a meeting with just her and the current programmer

seems to want to keep me out of the code......

the client seemed confused after they talked to me.
he avoided them when summoned for a day and a half
and when they finally talked
and i finally asked what he said
they said it wasn't clear, he was vague.

it may be, that he weren't trying to make a big fuss
this puss-n-boots colleague missy mussed it into one
by calling our boss in over a flip comment.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
This is a difficult work environment.

If you can hold on while keeping sanity and looking for something else, that is good.



M.

thank you Mari.

yes i am just trying to hold onto the ropes. feel so ... just wanna quit but unless it's push come to shove and they shove me, i am going to try and plod plod some more.

they put out new bus schedules this weekened effective monday so i spent bunches of time doing that, plus i made crepes... did not job hunt. these evenings am going to gather some internet addresses to send to for first start though. and tonight wrap up/translate the letter i remember writing.

and take my meds, which are dispensed out through tuesday (no i don't think more benzo would help - i just increased it from 1.5 to 2 - i think that's plenty for now, it even take a couple weeks just for steady state). it breaks down to lorazepam for about its 25% worth so you get a double round there, and i do take lorazepam on the ever-more-various occasions i think it might help.

am also trying to remember my vitamins. b vitamins will help right now.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
If all you did this weekend was made crepes this weekend, you created something beautiful and useful.

OK. I understand about the benzo.

Yeah. Use whatever helps --- including the vit Bs.

M.

I am trying to keep up with what you are going thru with work...not sure I understand all of the minutia but I don't need to understand.
I hope that you are doing ok...this all sounds so stressful.
know that I care about you.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi waves,
You do not disappointment, I just get my mother instinct to protect her peeps, I would not want anything to hurt your future work.

beer in the cafeteria, gee, I forget about the culture difference.

Don't hole up, I did that last night, it worried everyone around me.

Still thinking of you waves and hoping this week is a good one for you (and everyone else, too).

i appreciate that Di. Thanks Bizi yes work is complicated i am starting to feel wigged out. today after pdoc i did. /Di... on the substances appreciate the intent... just - i can't hear it now. i already hear it in my head and from my folks, i fly off the handle at it, and more is best avoided. especially as it's too easy for me to fly off the handle overall right now. it's jarring in a jarred world. my what a pickle. thank you for caring.

------------------------------------------

i spent my session trying to describe feeling like i am breaking apart to my shrink. he wants me on zyprexa. which i won't take. too late for lithium he says, not an emergency use drug. (and depakote is?) anyway. he would still prefer zyprexa over depakote. i said but i can't gain more weight. he said but you can't go on like this either. i reminded him our time was up saying i'd have to wait a week since we couldn't talk about it till next week at this point. and left. i was spitting nails. i wanted him to have a magic pill and first he goes and has kidney stones and then he comes back with zyprexa.

ok now lets don't all jump on me the not taking the zyprexa. i took option 2: the extra depakote.
(seriously please don't.) i just want to be able to share and record that helps most.... a place to keep things together. theres a time sure but now isn't it. i more just need to hear a good word right now. i'm doing the best i can doing things i should and shouldning things i don't plus it's sh*'n bricks from the sky in my life all over the place. home is nice other than when one or the other of them gets on me about 'use' and it's a downspiral. and no, right now i can't "not take it personally" ... a spec on the wall is there personally. i am most mixed up emotionally.

i MAY (don't get your hopes up) take a-zyprexa-or-two this weekend. i won't be home friday so it will have to be saturday night. i may be able to do something outrageous like take it sunday afternoon and sleep 6pm to 6am. when i use it like this, where i have time to sleep, i use 15 or 20 mg. it might mellow me until the following tuesday... lol.