12/22/11
Okay I don’t know where to post this, and I probably should be posting under a nom de plume, but I am done with my marriage but I can‘t leave it. I was having a hard day and lately they have been very hard. My condition has been unruly, and my teen has been as well and my husband has been absent and when here he is very sharp and inattentive. It’s a very stressful time and I try to be understanding to him but it had gotten to a point where I needed to say something to him. I got one sentence out of my mouth and he went off. For the next 25 minutes he berated, demeaned, belittled, mocked, provoked, insulted and ruthlessly hurt me. At no time did I rise to the occasion, I simply tried to stay calm and spoke to him in a very calm voice asking him to try to calm down. It did not matter what I said he just went on and on. Now I will say I was direct in what I said. I did not state anything in a snide or strained voice I just said how I felt directly - it is one of my curses. I was very drained, and had been dealing with the problems at home for days -because he is not here to help. If we could work on our problems together I would be very willing to work on my “directness”, but he won’t restrain himself from his insults - he feels that he has a right to put me down and belittle me if we don‘t agree on a subject. I honestly didn’t say anything bad to him and I said it in a very calm voice - he just takes what I say and if he opposes it he belittles me.

The is the reason I am done. He mocks for even coming here and “pouring out all our problems for everyone to see”. I know we both contribute to the problems in this marriage- and I will own up to mine, I just won’t live with the insults, mocking and belittling anymore.

Now the real meat of the matter is how is someone like me supposed to live single? I can’t get a job - I can‘t use my arms most of the time. I live in a rural area with no resources nearby. I have no family except my children. I have a friend, the only one I have mentioned this to and she said - how could you ever make it? And she is right? I just don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped. I honestly do not love him anymore and have not for a long time. But I really, really wanted to make it work for my children’s sake and what used to be between him and I and what could be between him and I. But I will not live with this insulting any more. And for him to quite insulting me - that means I have to agree with every thing he says.. I don’t know how to live that way. Especially the person he is now. Getting off topic again somewhat - like I said I don’t know how to stay in this marriage, but I can’t go. I CAN NOT leave my children. That might be someones advise but what would that do to my kids? Especially to my adopted children who have already been abandoned by birth family and were old enough to remember it.

If there is someone out there who can lend an ear of sympathy or guidance, I could sure use it right now. Or maybe someone knows of a way I can get help to be on my own - I just don’t know how. I feel like such a little kid; not knowing what I am supposed to do, needing, help and being dependent - I thought when I grew up I was done with all that misery!

[It is OK to come here and talk about this. Never mind what your husband says about you telling strangers on line. This is a good site with plenty of compassion from alot of people. We all have so many different kinds of problems yet it is really kind of a family.
I am divorced. I got a house, and moved my best friend in with me to make it financially. I am disabled. My kids are grown and only one is in my life. My daughter and son in law, grandchild, refuse to have me be a part of their lives, so I do know what it is like to have some really difficult family and emotional problems.
You cannot live like that being abused. That is really what is occuring. This will never be good for you, and only lead to illness and more sorrow. The emotional pain you are enduring will effect your body eventually. You must take care of yourself. You won't loose your children. there is help there, even if you are in a rural area. check to see if there is a "womans" center nearby. Call your local hospital to see if they have advocates for abuse. Seek some kind of social agency that can help. Call the abuse hot line. Call your church if you have one. Change can only be good for you, and in the end it will be better for your children. If your husband can't change or stop his behavior, then you really have to be the one to be strong and get out of the situation. From the sound of it, council wouldn't do much good. Your love for him is no longer there, so working one way in a marriage doesn't work. Nobody can stay healthy in an enviroment filled with terrible words flung at the partner. That isn't good for your kids eithor. It would be telling them it is OK for your husband to treat you like that. It isn't OK for him to treat you like that. Your kids are going to understand that if they are of the age of reason. Consider seeking help. Make some plans maybe, come back here, for more people to respond to you. I know that for myself, I cannot and would not live in an abusive situation. I did loose part of my family, but I didn't loose my soul. I found help, and got counciling. Forgive me if I said anything to offend. I just hear your agony so clearly. Think of yourself first now. Come back here anytime and if I can help in any way I will. ginnie

I agree with Ginnie.

A partner who abuses you when you are ill, is reacting to the loss of attention he expects from YOU. This is a cardinal trait of narcissism and will not change. They are very resistant to any change. It is always about THEM...not you.

The attention a narcissist expects is called narcissistic "supply".
If it is removed, or changed, they erupt into tantrums and worse.

This link explains it very well for laymen. The concept with the big psychological words often is difficult to understand.
His tantrums reveal his fear of loss of attention from you. The internet with people to respond to you, presents another form of intrusion into his world.

Please read this wonderful site (and perhaps more than once-- as I have over the years)... it really is educational and helpful. A narcissist can destroy a marriage, a relationship, an employment situation, and can poison your life:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

This is the BEST explanation for you to read.
And unfortunately, is it not easily changeable. If your husband was like this in the past...before you were ill, then the outlook is poor. If he abuses service people, waiters, etc. Or is always
looking for attention to himself, at the cost of you and your children, he may be narcissistic. You can go and find a therapist to support any changes you may have to make, or to help you learn how to reach him for some compromise. But be prepared that some narcisssists do not change. So if that is your problem, you need major support to deal this problem.

It is a tough place to be. I can feel for you...I had narcissistic parents...but luckily for me my hubby is not. I chose carefully!

Thank you both very much, I just wanted to say thank you and to let you know I need to think and read about what you both have said. It has really hit me at the core; both what you said Ginnie about it being an abusive situation and mrsD about him being narcissist. I have been looking for a long time to find the right word and that fit so close you couldn't slip a whisper past it. I have a lot of thinking and reading to do, and I do so much appreciate you writing back to me. I was on pins-n-needles waiting for someone to write back. Thank you very, very much.

I will be here any time you want to talk. I know the other lady through this site also. A kind and compassionate person. I won't forget about you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope some door opens for you, when all the doors seem closed. ginnie

Blaine you mentioned you are trapped and cant make it on your own because of your disability.

Can I ask how are you surviving now? What physical support does your family provide eg getting dressed or cooking etc.

It really is amazing what you can do when you absolutely have to but I don't know how incapacitated you are.

Having such a chronic condition that is invisible makes it ten times harder to deal with people around you. I wish I had bones sticking out of my feet so I could just point and say this really hurts..

Hello Blaine,
So sorry to hear that things are continuing to deteriorate. I agree that you shouldn't have to put up with such treatment, but I understand that you are worried about financially supporting yourself and your children, as well as further disrupting their lives. You said something that I found interesting, that there used to be a good relationship between you and your husband. How long ago was that and how long did it last? What is the biggest stressor on your marriage, your health or the children? Was he on board with the adoptions?

Does he know that you are considering leaving him and how would he feel about losing you and the children? If he doesn't care, then you have your answer, unfortunately.

It sounds as if you should be able to qualify for disability if you have worked in the past. I know that there are fewer services available in rural areas, but try to find someone to help you gather your options and resources. I know that this all is so much harder for someone without parents or relatives to turn to for help, but you have to find a way to go forward with the life you have now, and your situation sounds intolerable. Stress also exacerbates many health problems.

Hi Blaine,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know this is not good for your health and pain levels. I know you said that you live in a rural area but have you tried to find a womans shelter. What you are going through may not be physical but definitely is verbal and emotional abuse. I agree this is not a good situation for your children either. As mothers we have to be sure our daughters know this is not an acceptable behavior for men and our sons need to know this is not how you treat a woan or they leave. It is not an easy task but try to get disability. I agree with Ginnie try you local church or hospitals. Unless you know you have no feelings for him and can't regain them counseling will be useless. But there was a time I thougt that way and now do not. It took a lot of counseling and changing for both of us. Even if you decide to try that you may want to be elsewhere while going through it. You should not take that kind of abuse!!! Oh, and vent anytime you want!

Also, you said that you thought you were done with all of that when you grew up. I was raised by a mother who fits the profile of narcisstic personality disorder. Were you abused as a child? There is a book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" which you should read if you have had this background. It can explain many things about why you have trouble commanding respect and why you have poor self-esteem, or feel a constant need to make everyone else happy at your own expense, if these ideas fit your situation.

Now I am really delving into the area of amateur psychologist, which is always a mistake, but I am curious about your childhood. Mine has certainly permanently scarred me, and I have a much easier set of circumstances than you have, Blaine.

12/23/11
You are all wonderful. I have thought a lot about all you have said and this is what I can say:
ITS LONG…….
To star with my self.
Yes, I grew up with a very emotionally detached mother. She had me at 17 and was single and was a previous drug user and came from an abusive background. According to her she “got her act together” when she realized she was pregnant i.e. got off drugs, moved out of her family’s home, got an apartment and got a job. I think she leaves out a lot. I think it was much harder for her than she simplifies it to be, and she will not, under any circumstances, discuss it with me(In fact it and other points of my childhood have become such an issue that in the autumn of the first year of my condition she wrote me a farewell letter because we were not close enough). I have the feeling that my infant years were very hard on my mother based on many of my feelings now and experiences I have with my adopted children and what I have learned through raising them so far. Also I had a broken leg at age one which she attests to someone bouncing me on the couch to hard that has never sat right with me. My earliest memories are of being scared of her. And I have no memories of her ever reaching out to say “I love you” or hugging me. So yes I spent my childhood wondering what was wrong with me. But by the time I was 12 a significant event occurred that made me realized she was the problem, and while it did not heal me it lead me to the path to follow that I would not have to be at fault and that I could fix my life and follow a different route; be a different person. I was molested by father in the middle of the night and when I woke her up to her about it she said “Well what do you want me to do about it”. I knew from that moment on that I wasn’t defective - she was. From that day on I worked towards my goal to be better. And so we diverged. Over the years I have many times tried to reach out to here to bridge that gap, but to bridge I need to address these early childhood issue. NOT to blame at all. Actually to understand and even in someway to support her and understand her errors. I understand mistakes and even if she could talk about them we could get there. Many many many times I have written, or brought up a subject and she will not address it. She will not even admit she receives the letters, or if I talk to her about it, she looks at me like I am defective and asks me if I need to be on medication or get help; as if I am mentally unbalanced. She has this belief that she is a miracle worker having mostly raised two children on her own and put herself through school over a period of 30 years. That so far from reality I can’t even begin to start to explain it. Finally 5-6 years ago my husband and I decided it was time to stop putting such an effort out because nothing was coming back. The kids never got any b-day cards, my adopted children were ignored or got substandard attention. Then it was 2 years ago when she wrote the farewell letter. I ignored it to some degree and continue to behave as usual. She and her husband live on a sailboat in Mexico and are not reachable so I only e-mail happy mothers day to her and Merry Christmas., but do not receive anything from her in return. In fact her father died about 5 months ago, and I have not heard a word from her since I told her we would not be able to afford to go to the funeral. Raising me, she never maintained family ties with her family so I did not know him, very much like she behaves now.
But as I said as a teen I took a different route and when I met Joe (husband) we became best friends first and always had been. He was very much (in some ways) a family person, very very warm and affectionate, funny and generous, many of the traits that I was looking for to enrich my life with. We met in 1995 and married in 2000. Things didn’t go bad until my condition appeared. I really, really feel that our problems are primarily based around the fact that he is a forced care giver and feels over worked and under appreciated. I cannot do ANY of the work of a stay at home mom (which is what I was supposed to be) and I know he resents it. He also prides himself on the fact that he does not talks about his problems with ANYONE. He also has an Aunt who lives next to us who adds a considerable amount of help and stress financially and emotionally. She is a difficult person to get along with at times but she is also an incredibly helpful person. We pay her mortgage as our house is to small for her. We have been looking for two years to find accommodations for all of us - but everyone knows how the economy is. We are so far underwater in our mortgage in our house we could currently buy 6 houses for what we owe on this one. Walk away some would say and I would like to agree but that would mean giving up the one and only thing that this family does do together and has fun at. We ride horses. I can actually ride because the kids and Joe are able to get my horse ready for me and a friend will warm him up for me if he needs it. Then I can ride him using just leg commands he such a good horse - He’s the real man in my life! So we each have a horse. We a part of a club and we do activities, meetings and events with this club. That is our one outlet. So to give up this particular home would mean to give up that activity. We don’t vacation. We don’t have TV. We don’t have cell phones. We really, really watch our budget, and are trying to get into another home that would fit all of us and better our situation -but we live rurally and there is not a lot around here available. But all this puts a lot of stress on Joe and when I became ill it all fell to him.
So now when things get bad he uses me as a verbal punching bag. Its much like many of the traits off of the narcissist page, only this was never a problem before. And I don’t really know that it is a personality didorder ar a reflection of him being resentful of his role now. I just know that he gets really stressed. Blows up at me and the next day he is noticeably calmer. This is a sickness and he WILL NOT recognize it. When I try to show him he gets furious again. He starts to attack me and finds me at fault. He has the marriage cousler we were going to that this (his fury) is all in my mind. He really, really does not see his rage. I want to record him, but he monitors our money and I don’t have any to buy one and he won‘t let me get one. I know it is because he would then have to admit what he is doing. He really, really doesn’t and won’t see. Even right now after the other day he is all calm and relaxed and he can’t even see that difference - or won’t acknowledge it.
But he was not like this before he became my care giver. And he has to do so much, pretty much everything. I cannot drive, cook, do laundry, and we have 4 kids ages now 5,8,10 and 13. I can dress myself pretty much every day but in the height of spring there many days I cannot undress.
I have Autoimmune Ganglioneuritis which is untreatable in itself, but for which my neuro and pain dr’s have given me loads of meds to treat the pain. It is very activity and immune system dependent. I have spring/summer allergies and am useless physically to the family during higher pain times. My pain also increases through out the day - getting worse as activity increases ,and is also better if I am lying down (it originates out of the nerves C5/6 area). So with that said I am a couch potato mom. Joe has called me the worthless blob laying around on the couch all day many times. Though he has stopped using that term in particular, but when he is very, very , angry he refers to the fact that I just lay around on the couch. Which just about me drives to ……… Well I know you know how that hurts. But he doesn’t admit that it hurts me, he just says ”Well you made me angry” very snidely.
Feb - July I am 98 % incapacitate. I live with daily pain levels that are from 5-12. I can participate in activeys if the pain stays below an 8 (and I am plenty medicated) if I do not have to move my arms much.
The rest of the year my pain level varies unpredictably. If I get a ‘bug’ then of course I get high pain level
I like to add that I probably help evolve this problem, in that until earlier this year I would participate in these insult matches most eloquently. I would be just as mean and insulting as he. I don’t know who would start them, but I do know I was at fault for participating in them. So I stopped, pretty much cold turkey. I just realized one day that I was causing so much harm to him and our relationship and to our family. That was back in March of this year and he still hasn’t recognized that he is still doing it or that he needs to stop.
We also do not get a lot of outside support as my condition is “invisible. Thank you Zorro for pointing this out. I wish we had pain meters on our foreheads because people just do not understand. When I get out of the house it is not very often. So I take the time to make my appearance nice when I do go out. As I used to be a very active and involved mom and citizen people know me, and when they see me they exclaim at how great I look and how I must be doing great and am I ready to be involved again. It is so hard to get them to understand that I am not able to involve myself because my condition is not predictable, I am not a reliable person anymore unfortunate. I do not want to be volunteering for classrooms, activities, events, etc and not be able to follow through. But so many people just look at me and squint like I am coming up with excuses. I have had to learn to live with it. They can’t understand that I only come out of the house when I feel ok, then they won’t see me on my bad days - their really not interested in hearing about that - they just have these preconceived notions I think. Its because I have a condition no one has ever heard of so they question it a bit.

I know this is very, very long, but thanks for the time to read it. I actually feel really good having people to talk to and discuss this with. I really feel alienated with Joe denying that he is responsible for talking to me the way he does.
thanks