Malingerer, drug seeker, addict, so many names, so much pain. I feel them in the depths of my soul. The pain of my body matches that of my soul at being called these names. I hurt. I feel, seek help yet help only hurts. I'm called an attention seeker, drug addict yet all I want is to understand why I hurt. My soul hurts from not being believed. My body hurts from the inside out. I sit in my home that has now become a prison watching my children grow. I hear about their accomplishments, and how much fun they had. I wish and cry in private at what I can't see in person. I don't go to their games or to meet and greets in fear of someone touching me and causing more pain. I don't go and swim with yhem because the cold water hurts. So I sit and watch them grow, I watch them leave and not come back. I wonder why then realize they never knew. They never knew why I didn't go to their school, they never knew why I didn't go to their games. Because I didn't educate them. So I sit, I worry, then I'm gone. My pain finally winning. I placed a rope around my neck and fell. I don't have pain now. I don't have anything. The words of others can no longer hurt me. They can no longer play over and over in my head to beat me down.

This is the way this disorder beats us. This is why this disorder is called a suicide disease. We aren't people to most Dr's. We are a number. We are drug seekers, malingerers, fakers. They don't believe us. We need mental help not meds. Shakespeare said "What is in a name? By any other name a rose would smell as sweet." By any other name I'm still a human. I would love to not be in constant pain. Before people judge me or anyone else walk a mile in our shoes. There are times I expect if I look at my leg I will only see bone because it feels like someone poured acid on it then lit a thousand blowtorches all over my leg. I'm one of the lucky ones that it hasn't spread beyond my leg. I hope and pray they will find a cure for this disorder so no one has to go to the point of suicide again.