Hi again Vicc...I'm so glad to hear you so positive. Since my girlfriends situation seemed to spike something in you, I'd like to tell you a bit more about her...

Her husband (dh in net-speak) is the one who was so helpless. She attempted several times to ask him for a divorce, and on each occassion he had a nervous breakdown, and she ended up retracting her decision, and just deciding to stay. Now, I've known her since high school, and she's my best friend in the world. She's an incredible person who would do anything for anyone. She's just too NICE. I hated seeing her in such a situation. But knowing her, I understood why she stayed. Prior to them getting married, their sex life was wonderful. Full of intimacy, and I teased that they were like rabbits, and actually found a small "energizer bunny" stuffed toy on the internet for her and gave it to her as a wedding gift (partly anyway). But, immediately following the wedding, that all stopped. They became more "roommates" than anything else. Sure, they are friends. Not like her and I are, but friends nonetheless. But they don't even go out much togteher because they don't even enjoy doing the same things. He likes to go to a buddies house to watch sports, and she's rather be OUT somewhere, like at the festivals and such. But it was almost like he was "afraid" of people, or the public, or crowds. So, their relationship just became "comfortable" yet "separate."

She went to college and got her masters degree, as I said. Her mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she spent a lot of time that final year taking care of her, being her primary caregiver, and helping her father thru it. They'd been married 48 years, her mom and dad...and her dad was in denial that he was losing his wife. He didn't know how to handle the dr's appointments and such, and my girlfriend had to be the "backbone." Once her mom was gone, she realized she had to stay strong for so long thru that, that she hadn't properly mourned. And she turned to some self destructive behaviors that I don't agree with, but she's working on them. She ended up spending hours upon hours in the local bar. After all, she didn't really have a "husband" to go home to. When her mom passed away, it's not like he held her in his arms and comforted her. They didn't have that kind of relationship any longer. He did attend the funeral and all that. He WAS AND IS part of the family. I think they've been married about 8 year, maybe 10, by now. Perhaps even more. He's a fixture in their lives, and considered a son to my girlfriends parents. But to her, he's more a friend or brother at this point. So...she wept into her alcohol. Along with that came other addictions....addictions to things she had lacked for so long. That being intimacy, or what she THOUGHT was intimacy. She started looking for men on the internet, and meeting them for one night stands.

Now, as I said, I don't agree with what she's done, and is still doing. She IS married still. But, she's my friend. My BEST FRIEND. I'm the only one she told of all of this. And I did not chastise her for it, because she needed to be able to tell SOMEONE - and if she wasn't comfortable telling me, and she told nobody, then what would happen if she came up "missing" one day? So, we had an arrangement where she was to forward me emails that she received from these "men" she was meeting, details of where and when they'd meet, pictures if she had them, full names, etc, if she had them, and she was to call me immediately upon arriving and leaving the meeting place. If I did not get a call, I'd call her. If I could not reach her, I told her I would wait 15 minutes and call the police with all the informtion I had. There was never a problem...but she knew I was serious...and everyone she met, she told up front that she had given me the information, so they knew right then that someone else knew who they were, and who she was with, "just in case."

Eventually, she met someone at the bar she was hanging out in that she wanted to date exclusively. But the fact remained...she was still married. Now, I don't care for this guy. he's using her, as far as I can tell. He's just as "needy" as her dh is, if you ask me. Unemployed, mooching off her, no desire to better himself in the job market, so she's just exchanging one thing for another. Only difference is, this guy likes to go out like she does...but he also likes to drink - a LOT. Which means the vow she made to stop drinking isn't going to happen any time soon.

ANYWAY....where this is going is here - Which will, hopefully, give you some hope: You said your wife is kind of like my gf's dh, where she said if you ever left, she'd kill herself. Well, my girlfriend ended up, after her and I had MANY talks about how totally unfair it is not only to HER but to her dh, to continue wasting so many years being so unhappy. She talked to him, and told him she wanted a divorce. Was he upset? Yes. Did he take it well? Yes....at FIRST. She called and said he took it so well, in fact, that she was worried. And with good reason. A few days later he had called her crying and said he wasn't doing well. She asked him what was going on and he said he felt another breakdown coming on. She told him if he felt that bad, to go to the ER and have them give himsomething to calm him down. So, he did. But while being evaluated, they asked him a question that he answered a little too honestly: "Have you felt like hurting yourself?" Next phone call my gf got was from the mental health institution, stating her husband had been involunarily committed. He was on suicide watch.

But ya know what? That very well may have been the BEST thing that ever happened to him. Because he found out there that chances are hes been depressed his entire life. He was set up with intensive one on one counseling, some divorce support groups, a peer counselor, and some useful tips. My gf also joined him for some joint counseling to help EASE him into the idea of living alone, without someone there to do everything for him. Now, they are both working on sorting thru the household things, who gets what, who pays what for now, etc. And she's teaching him how to pay the bills, etc. He's learning. And he said he's actually looking forward to LIVING, cuz he doesn't think he truly HAS before now, since he's been so depressed for so many years of his life. He said it's like there's a "whole new world out there he's never seen before." And it's not because of the divorce...btu because there' something WRONG with him that is being FIXED now.

And Vicc...I tell you this because i hope your wife figures out, too, that she may be unhappy at first. maybe even MISERABLE and feel like absolute HELL. But in the long run, being alone and happy is better than being with someone and UNHAPPY. And that's what I hope not only for you, but for her, too.

and that's what I really want for my girlfriend. Now...any tips on how I can get her to get this MOOCH away from her? LOL!

Hugs to you sweetie...and I'm SO GLAD to see you have a plan. And I look forward to see you write more about it, so I know that you are serious