[Dejibo]

many of you know, I come from dysfunction central. My family has NO idea how to be kind or nice to each other. I have a drug addicted sister. I have a mother that has post polio syndrome, and I SWEAR the polio affected her mentally. She just doesnt have good judgement, and is good at playing one child against the other. I have a bible thumping brother that is good at preaching "do what I say! not what I do!" and another brother who is so fickle that if you say "its a nice day!" he says "what do you mean by that?!" My father died long ago, and it was the last time we were all in the same spot at the same time.

I cant talk to my sister about anything because its all about HER! She is always in trouble with finances, the law, the neighbors, always broke, and what a liar! if she said it was snowing, I would go to the window to look. My mother is another who cannot manage the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Both brothers are "above this" and have the attitude to prove it. I have spent years keeping a social relationship with my brothers. not close, not warm and fuzzy, but at least social. I wrote my sister off long ago, and only am able to check on my mother as she undoes every good thing you do for her.

Its been months since I heard from one brother. For the first time in decades I got no b/d card from him. hmm...thats weird. I called him today and said "hello! how are you?" and he hung up on me! ok, its a cell phone. Did the call get dropped? Did he hang up? Let me try again. I gave it a min and called again. He answered the phone and said "look! You created drama at Christmas when you told me an old g/f said hello. I dont need the drama, so stop calling. Go away!"

I dont even live in the same state as these folks. On Facebook, one of his old g/fs said hello to me, and asked how he was. I related that he is happily married, doing great, and his new wife has been a really good thing for him. She said she was happy for him, and next time I talk to him say hello for her. Well, I did. It was just that easy. He talked about how much she meant to him once upon a time, and wow, what a blast from the past. I guess when he mentioned it to his wife, it was decided that I was trying to "get them back together" I dont even know this girl! nor do I know his wife! All I know is that I said Hello from an old g/f and he was HAPPY to have heard it, and now he refuses my call.

I am sooooo tired of shedding tears over this family. I think this may be the straw that breaks my back. You cant talk to any one of them without it being turned into story hour. I DONT get it! I just dont get it! How can a family who went thru so much when we were growing up have become so twisted? is it because they are hiding behind their own bs? Is it because they didnt deal with their own bs?

I am simply ready to quit. Just walk away and stop trying. They never fail to reach new heights of cruelty of imagined offenses. Have you ever been completely spent by someone? well imagine a whole crew of them. Isnt stress supposed to be bad for MS? well, no wonder im sick! I am always under stress!

[Blessings2You]

Off to church, so no time to respond except with

[Kitty]

Dej.......I haven't dealt with it in the volume you have but I kind of know what you mean. My MIL is very mean spirited. She wasn't always like this.....or at least didn't show it while I was married to her son. She probably just did a good job at hiding it. Once he was gone....out came her claws. She doesn't even contact her grandchildren. And they don't even miss her!

I won't go into all the hateful things she's said and done since he died.......but I know how hurtful it can be. Even when it's from someone you don't really care about having a close relationship with.

These people have a screw loose.......and I just flat refuse to get caught up in the drama. I make no effort or attempt at communication and that leaves her no opportunity to inflict her "screwiness" on me and my family. We're better off without her in our lives. And you're better off without the hatefulness your family dishes out, too.

I felt selfish for a long time but don't anymore. Some people there is just no reasoning with. No matter how hard you try. And if they act like they are warming up......it's just a ploy. At least with my situation it is.

I've moved on and refuse to let those toxic people dump on me anymore. I hope you'll move on and not let your family impose on your life anymore. It sounds like you and DH have a nice life together. Just enjoy that and let the others wallow in their own venom.

[Snoopy]

Dejibo,

Sometimes we need to cut our loses and walk away from "family." It can be healthier to do this than to allow dysfunction in your life.

We can't pick our biological family but we can pick those that ARE family.

[Grammie 2 3]

I, too, come from dysfunction. I have learned thru some self help books-the best one "the Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatti that I need to take care of/protect myself from the garbage of my family. I cannot change them. If I expect them to act differently, then I end up being disappointed/frustrated and upset.

I am with them at my choosing, accept them for who they are and have tried to give up "fixing" them-I did type "tried" because I occasionally still have hopes for normalcy. Instead I am grateful that I am mostly healthy

Best wishes,
Linda

[gonnamakeit]

dejibo,

You seem to be in some crisis mode a lot due in part to your family.

Make a list on paper of what your stresses are and then make a concerted effort to eliminate as many as possible. If you need to escape your family to get relief, I would not recommend that you give them any reason for avoiding contact as their retorts will only upset you more.

At one point I believe you wrote that your mother is dead. When you refer to your "mother" are you talking about a step mom or am I not remembering right about your mother being deceased.

If your problems are with a step mother, then she should be fairly easy to stay away from.

Clear your head and good luck with the new, calmer dejibo.

gmi

[SallyC]

You cut one poison from your life, in order to improve the quality of said life....So, poisons are poisons...flush 'em.

Surround yourself with the people who love you and take care of you. Pray for these peeps but steer cleer of their drama and stresszone. It's for your own health's sake.

[Kitty]

I wholeheartedly agree with Sally. Some people are just that - poison. And no matter how hard you try to get along with them it's all a one-sided effort. Yours.

When my MIL was dx with bone cancer several years ago I immediately contacted her to offer my help. It was just the first thing that entered my mind to do. I really didn't think it through before calling her. I was "dismissed" and told that my help wasn't needed or wanted.

To this day I still don't know what in the world her problem with me is. Unless she blames me for her son's death which is absolutely ridiculous. But in her mind (or lack thereof) it would make sense.

She started her attacks while we were planning the funeral and it never stopped after that. Lots of us were scratching our heads. I truly believe she is "out of her mind". Her thought process is not normal.

Sometimes we can only control our reaction to these folks. We can't control them but we can control ourselves and what we allow into our world. I just refuse to allow her to get to me anymore.

If she was ever in need and I was her only source of help then yes, I would definitely help her. Would she do the same. No, I seriously doubt it. But she has to live with herself and I have to live with myself. I'd rather lay my head down each night with a clear conscious.

[Dejibo]

My mother is very much alive, and a hand ful. SHe isnt capable of making good choices for herself, and therefore my drug addicted sister frequently finds her way to my moms door stop. there is constant drama there, and I chose to walk away long ago. No more money, no more involvment, no more bail, and once my neices and nephews were away from my sis, I cut off support to them to. My mother is a good drama pot stirer as well. Normally my bro's keep to themselves, and its not frequent contact, but now and again we speak, and are polite. I think that is why this one hit me blindsided. I was not expecting it.

I think when I said Hello from an ex flame (he was engaged to her!) that he was flattered. I think he got an ego boost. I think when his wife found out, the party was over. I think I got the blame for the mess, even tho I only passed a simple hello, and hope he is doing well. only MY family can take a "hello!" and turn it into a "she wants me to leave my wife and family and run away with her."

I am MUCH healthier emotionally than I used to be, and I choose to not be mired down in this stuff with them. If he can cut off a sister to avoid telling his wife the truth, then...BUH BYE NOW. Be careful what you wish for mister. I am one of only 3 relatives that will speak to him anyway because he is so weird. If he feels that I am expendable, then...my life is brighter without HIS drama in it. Next time an old flame wants to wish him well, I will give them HIS cell phone #.

I have simply had it with the twisted antics of my family. its always something. One cant tell the truth, and another will tell you the bare honest truth, even if its cruel and hateful. They can simply have each other. With each passing year, I see and hear less and less of them, and from them, and ya know what...im better off. Just because we were brothers/sisters growing up doesnt mean I am owed any sort of loyalty does it?

So, yep, in a rare guard down moment this morn, he got me. Scratched me good, but I will heal. he on the other hand has and will carry this hate/anger/venom for a long time into his future. a future without me in it.

now, im off to a BBQ at the rich neighbors house.

Thank you for all the support. If I had to do it all over again, I would have still run away at 15, but I wouldnt have told them where I went to. I see folks disappear on the news and I can understand completely.

Will you guys be my sisters and brothers? I am looking for replacement models.

[Kitty]

Enjoy your BBQ, Dej! I wouldn't give those hateful people a second thought.