gibbrn, you will be OK you seem to be such a strong person. You need less stress and more time to heal, I'm sure everything will be GREAT! SOON!
flippnout

Victoria,
I'm so sorry that your Mom has said such hurtful words to you and told you to leave. I do hope that everything will work out down the road as family is so precious.
Best of Luck to you in your new home with that great man of yours..
Hugs
Dawn

Hey Victoria- Stay tough. We know you are because of how you have weathered your crazy journey of TOS. You are a supportive and giving soul and you have provided so much to everyone here.

The last time I lived with my mom was for a summer between school semesters when my daughter was 18 months old. At the end of that summer we totally agreed we would never live in the same house again. Being independent, it would be very very difficult fo me to have to go back on that and live with her again. Clearly your choice was not to live at home with your parents , you were there out of neccessity for a medical condition. For them to fail to understand that and throw you out shows that they really don't have a clue. They should grow up.

I am so sorry for your loss, because that's really what it is. Now, though, you can focus on purging of the bad parts of that relationship and healing the rest of you. Calgary... Wow. sounds like a beautiful place to settle down and relax with your man. To get away and work on creating a new and better lifestyle for the both of you- Perhaps just what the doctor ordered. I always feel most at peace in or near the mountains- that's why I am in California :P


Good luck to you..and may a dog bite your mom's foot!

Johanna

Victoria,

I am so sorry this happened A mother-daughter relationship is so special.
I don't understand why she couldn't or wouldn't sit down and talk this
out. Sometimes trying to talk things out though, is like banging your head
against the wall
Situations live this have to be a two way street.
You are going through a tender time right now with so much of
the pain that you thought was gone,
coming back
One thing I would like to mention and pat you on the back for...
Sometimes these things are a generational thing. I saw stuff like this
happen in families from mother to daughter & to her daughter.
I'm so proud that you are going to be the one who won't stand for it and
will stop it. Someone needs to stand up and take the lead and you did it so good
for you.

So now, you must guard your heart and not let anyone hurt you like this again.
It is hard to balance the two, being nice and loving and not letting someone walk on
you and mistreat you at the same time. But this experience taught you a lesson.
I hope that you don't have a flare because of this and things work out better in the end.
Even though this happened you still love your mother and father. Don't let them see you angry.

I always see the love in your post so we all know what a caring person you are. That makes it all the more easy for you to get hurt.
We are here for you and vent away when you need or want to
Hugs of Love and Support........Hope

thank you all for your kind words and your support. you don't know how much this means to me right now. You guys really are part of my family!!!!

I was stupid...had to live with them, but they did this to me 10 years ago.....they never talked it over with me they wouldn't ....Mom is never wrong and would NEVER apologise for anything ever ever ever!!! so it is me who went to the door on Christmas day and said hey lets make this work....just so happened they asked me to move in as I was breaking up with my ex of seven years....stayed for less than a year mended...or sort of without discussion....swept under the rug sort of mend.....moved out met Marc and thank God for him. I lived on my own for four years with the pain and one of which was with him. I then had to move in with them due to the surgery and Marc moving to Kingston....but my mom seeems to think I have lived with them for five years I just don't get it.....and she casts everything up. I tried to be calm and talk things over but she just makes it all about her and makes me think I am calling her bad things and that she is a horrible mother.....which is absolutley not what I said....she said ok, this converstaion is over it is going nowhere and I can hear the venom in your voice...WHAT???
I have essentially looked after her for the last four months due to supposed depression.....hmmmmm she is depressed fills scripts but dosn't take pills then when I leave she says it's good to know I have you to count on when I am ill...?????? oh I don't get it but
how does that saying go burned once shame on me burned twice shame on you??? don't know but it was me mending the family tht caused this again.....should have not tried to come back home, but then I would still be in an abusive relationship with a real jerk....hmmmmm......live and learn.

Thanks agian guys and it is a loss their loss, loss of a daughter who hopefully fingers crossed will be engaged and married soon!!! I am just glad Marc's folks are rational and would never dream of doing such things to anyone nevermind family!

anyhow I ramble yet agian!!!
My heart is filled with your love and support
and the dog that bit my mom's leg is my new best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

love and hugs to you all,
Victoria

Dear Victoria!! Dear, dear girl!

Mother / daughter relationships really throw me! I have two girls, and if you listen to them, sometimes I'm wonderful, and other times I was the worst mom ever and abused them so terribly! (Abuse by designer shoes and a weekly housecleaner for their room. To that, my eldest would say, "mom, you always think you can BUY our love! You are so out of it!") So the chasm / argument / trying to love them goes on...

With my mother, I cannot speak my mind, she literally makes up history (such as yours of the "five years living with them" kind - she thinks she paid my way through law school, and I can document that although she co-signed for the initial semesters, by mid-semester EVERY penny was paid to her by me from scholarships, my work income, etc. But in her mind, well...you already got it on your end.)

A great psychologist explained this to me:

I cannot change my loved ones' minds or beliefs, especially as to facts in the past. Ok? No can do, no amount of arguing or real PROOF will change what these beloved egg-heads believe. BUT, what we can and should do, is say, "I would like to have a relationship with you. I don't want to talk about the past ever again - at least not the contentious stuff - I want us to take it from TODAY, take me at my age now, and I want an ADULT, LOVING and "FRIENSHIP" type of relationship with you now. I want you to think about this - and decide, do you want a relationship with me? What would it look like to you? (Calls how often, meetings, etc. My mom can go 6 mos. without seeing / calling me, so for her, I said I wanted more friendship calls. Just talking about local news, like friends do.)

When you pose it that way, the argument about how long you've lived there, etc., is now moot, gone, and you have moved them into the PRESENT and also, sort of made them ACCOUNTABLE if they start throwing crap at you from the past again.

Now, for the future, IF your loved one starts criticizing you, or whatever, you learn something like, "Oh mom - my neighbor's at the door, let's talk later." GET OFF THE PHONE, or get out of the scene. Almost look at it like your loved one has this illness, you can't change them, so the KEY is to REMOVE your body / mind from the situation WITHOUT REACTING TO IT AT ALL. They "get" you if you react. Don't get drawn in. And then, take as much time avoiding them as you need, to heal and protect yourself. This will eventually TEACH them what you will and will not tolerate, without you having said a WORD! (Yes, sometimes easier said than done, but it DOES work after time. Time is key. The "avoiding time" without falling into the trap of arguing about the sufject is POWERFUL if you use it.)

Sometimes, parents are so toxic (or kids) that you may avoid them for very long times, for your own good. Ask yourself, would you want a loved friend of yours treated like that? Wouldn't you stick up for her, and say, you don't have to take that? Then just do it for yourself. Fiance taught me that.Fiance's family is SO supportive with eachother - I had NEVER experienced this - or seen it - and when I did, (and still do), it is SO different than my mother and her family and my deceased dad's family. My "group" almost acts like they are jealous of me all of the time, finding all sorts of ways to say things and do things to make me feel so sad and unloved. It is still hard for me to handle it - I'm like a deer in the headlights - they say some really offensive thing to me, putting me down, and I just am silent!!! Later, alone, I consider it, and think, "why did I not stick up for myself? Why do I compliment them, give them gifts, "do" legal stuff for them, over and over when they go and cut me down again? WHAT is wrong with me?"

My cousin, who I have not heard from in 4 years, (since being sick), called for legal advice, and when I was through and started to talk about how I was doing, she said, "gotta go, so busy, and you know, my back hurts sometimes I just think I'm old! God, it is so bad, I can't believe it!" And then she said one of my family was defending my "drug use." "Isn't that funny that he of all people would defend you?" I was more shocked that my family was apparently criticizing my "drug use", and my one cousin said he thought I had a lot of pain...I've always said,

"With family like mine, who needs enemies?"

The hurt never fully goes away, does it for you?

Thanks for letting me vent!!! I TRULY hope that your life now becomes more pleasurable and content. God bless you sweet soul, and I am really sorry this recent event occurred.

ps don't know why the color kind of went too far

I had forgiven and we started from scratch with the seven years we had not spoken...no talk about it at all and I am the kind who likes to deal with these things to get over them...however your advice is right on the ball. I am finding them so toxic that it is not worth being there. I am looking after mom when I can barely look after myself. Dad sort of removed himself from the whole thing until I started yelling and letting her know how angry I was with her behaviour...now after your info....won;t talk just ignore as I do have to go back to pack up my things......I can just imagine them in the basement going through my things now.

Ok now I am being negative and dont want to be...trying to rise above this.....have finished crying now setting up life here with Marc for the next two months until we move to Calgary.
Can't wait to start new life FAR away from them then they really will notice and realize what has been done.....although I have doubts as they still blame me for this and say I left despite the way I was treated...I didn't stay to work it out...HELLO!!! What's to work out with verbal abuse/????? I don't know it dosn't change...things I know what is right and I am the one who is honest and want to work things out.....
I guess that is enough said....but future inlaws are like yours....amazing!!! so the good Lord sends us what we can't get at home in another way! We are looked after we just have to see it. And our view is what is the most important part!

I can certainly empathize with your situation....hear your problems girl!!!

Take care
love and hugs,
Victoria

Victoria,
I am SO sorry that it has come down to this but it sounds like you had no other choice- you couldn't stay in such a toxic situation. Maybe they'll eventually realize how they've treated you, and you can hope for that, but you couldn't continue to allow them to treat you so badly. As much as you were doing for them, especially your mother, I imagine they'll realize pretty quickly what they've lost. Speaking as a mother, there's no way I would ever kick my son out unless he was doing some really bad things while living in my home. But, if he was sick- no way. And if he didn't have his wife to take care of him if he had a chronic health problem (and even if he did, we'd still be there doing what we could to care for him), we would be moving him right back home and taking care of him. That's just what people should do with family, especially their child. I'm sure you'll be better off and happier where you are now.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this Victoria.

Just reading all of this is helping me feel a little better (in that I'm not the only one with mom issues) about my strained relationship with my mom.

Not who you would expect to kick you when you are down, is it ?

Vic,

Although it wasn't nicely done and was a wee bit early, you were planning on leaving soon anyway, right? And although it came with drawbacks, you did have a place to recuperate when you needed it - that was the important thing. Now you're free to move on, and you can leave the baggage behind, at least once you have all your things and set off for Calgary. No looking back!

I'm not trying to make less of it than it is, honestly. I just learned years ago that, having once moved out, it was NOT possible for my mother and I to peacefully live under the same roof. Not unless I acceded to her every desire - which, having once escaped and found the freedom to establish my own opinions and make my own decisions, I was NOT ready to do, certainly not to the extent she thought I should.

That move home lasted less than a year - and seemed like 5. When I left, planning to move to another town with a friend, work and save money to finish college, my mom told me "Don't think you can move back in here again if things don't work out." I told her she didn't have to worry about that (and thanks for the encouragement, Ma!). I never even THOUGHT about moving back, either, no matter how broke I was, although I can remember being so sick and running a temp one time that I wanted my Mom - funny how that is the first time you're really sick out on your own.

The ironic part is 2 of my 3 brothers moved back in at some point after college, one straight from school, one after a stint in the service. She did their laundry and didn't ask them 1/2 as many questions - because they were boys, you see - GRRR!!!! Story of my life!! Anyway, we somehow got on the topic of kids moving back home a couple years ago, and she brought up my brothers, then she really floored me. She told me she had been really impressed and proud of me for struggling and making it on my own without asking for help from ages 20-24. She said "You never asked to move back in after you left the second time." I told her I couldn't, don't you remeber telling me not to come back? She says she didn't really mean it, and maybe so once she settled down, but when she said it, she meant it, believe me!

Anyway, our relationship has gotten better and better over the years, but if I had to live with her I guarantee you I wouldn't be able to stand her within a month, and vice versa. I'm the only daughter and I'm the one she has all these expectations of - well, I didn't have any part of setting those expectations, and I'm just not "the kind" of daughter she always envisioned having (exactly like her, in other words). We can have a great time shopping, having lunch, doing things with my girls - it's when her expectations and my being true to myself clash that we have problems - like holidays. I have learned to bend some, but also to not expect more from her than is possible, and to cut visits home short - I do better when she visits me.

I hope you get some useful ideas from this - that being upset about the past won't change it, or change your mother, that you're not the only one who finds it impossible to live with her mother, that maybe the move will actually, in time, IMPROVE your relationship. Maybe we're even genetically wired to not be able to exist peacefully under the same roof as our mother after a certain age, otherwise all the cave babies would have looked like the kid from Deliverance

Wish you much joy with your mate and great fortune for you both on your future in Calgary!

beth