Shortly after I posted the above, a got a delivery of flowers from my BF that I spent time with yesterday! She wanted to wish me well. Just her luck, the flowers arrived dead. It's the thought that counts.
We had a really nice day together. I am extremely lucky to have found her- she is a forever friend.... sometimes one friend is worth more than 10.
The poor thing got into a car accident on the way home!

I was so off the wall last night. I had a bloody mary with dinner w/ BF, 3 beers, and a little toke to calm down. I enjoyed watching my cats fiddle around with an inchworm that somehow got into my apartment and fell asleep watching planet earth (seas of life) on discovery.

My sister called me yesterday, probably to update me on her own health. She also called today. I didn't answer. She does have medical problems, but she's also a hypochondriac. Very strange- don't want to get into it.
I didn't think a conversation with her would be therapeutic to me in any way, so I avoided it, but I did call after I knew she was already at work and left a brief message. From the message she left me, I can expect a call from her again tomorrow.

This morning I was totally off the wall again... I took another xanax and procrastinated getting into the shower as long as I could...

The gynecologist and nurse were wonderful. I let them know in advance that I have nursing experience, have done my research, and expect info....
They demonstrate the cervical area as a clock, and basically draw the effected area for you and indicate where you have lesions.

So, most of my "clock" is covered with lesions, apparently called globalization. They took 4 biopsies. I have to have an ultrasound of my uterus on Dec. 9th and will get my pathology results at the same time. Not what I had hoped for, but not surprised.

I managed to go grocery shopping. I couldn't stand the thought of any supermarket close to Thanksgiving. I cried on and off through the store. I carried in the perishables and threw a beef brisket in the slow cooker.

I cracked my first beer at 3... highly unusual for me, then slung the heating pad under my back and put my feet up. Up until now, I was filing and smoothing my nails for about 2 hours, then starting pushing my cuticles back. All the time crying on and off.
I plan on drinking myself silly tonight. Maybe tomorrow, too. I'm not leaving my house until Sunday.

It may surprise you, but My FIL called to check on me, and we had a nice chat before I went to the store- he knows what's up. I also spoke to my Dad who went through all this with my mother. He hasn't always been a good father (I don't want to get into anything) but he has his moments.

Normally, I'd be right online researching globalization of cervical lesions, but I just don't have it in me right now.
Maybe I sound together (I love editing) but trust me, I'm not. Still crying on and off. But I have a nice quiet buzz going on.

I have the MRIs on Sunday, the medicare insurance expert on Monday, potentially the therapist on Tuesday, and the pdoc on Wednesday. I guess I get Thankgiving off.
I expect my PCP's office to contact me regarding more testing re:swallowing, and will be awaiting the vadge and MRI findings. Life is just ****ing wonderful.

Waves, I do feel robbed. I still do identify as a nurse. I try to tell myself that this is all God's way of telling me I've taken care of enough people and it's time to take care of myself. That's BS though because my life is nothing but struggling through what normal people take for granted. How is that taking care of myself? Maybe if someone materialized who would pick up some of the ****ing slack.... I won't hold my hand over my *** waiting for that.

Mari, I was finally awarded benefits in April of this year. I found to be disabled back to September 2008. I was dx with MS in May of 2008. That's how long I let it go. I worked until I drove myself into the ground.
I'm sure I could get any number of pain killers. I don't want them. If I start at 30, with chronic pain I'd quickly build up a tolerance to everything. Also, I'm very sensitive to meds and worry about falling and my ability to function.
In my case, it's not the docs' decisions it's mine.

Thank you Bizi, Donna, Mari, and Waves. It's nice to know someone(s) listening.
Kay

oh kay,
I am glad to hear that you shared time with your girlfriend.
I am anxious with you about your test results.
Did the HPV test results come back yet??
I am sorry you are having to go thru this....it sounds like a nite mere.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Kay,
You wrote a heart felt post. I hope it is ok if I give a partial repsonse for now. I can get back to it again another time.

These are lots of appts and tests. Each one seems more stressful than the last. I thank goodness that you were comfortable about the way the gyn and nurse dealt with you.
I'm so sorry that you are facing a weekend of worry and tears. I wish I could lift you up out of that and give you some ease.

I asked about when you got your official disability because I have seen people go through a period of growth after the disability. They come to terms with it and they settle into their definition of their new version of their lives. I'm not saying that this will necessarily be the case with you -- only saying that I've seen this with some people.

M.

Thanks to all again...

I had a big cry last night, mixed with a lot of, "WTF! No, seriously WTF!"
A feel a little bit better.

I finally got to searching for all the extensive lesions seen during the colposcopy that the doc called "globalization."
Turns out, I'll probably have to go back several pages on google because globalization is also used to describe cervical abnormalities as a world-wide epidemic.
For some reason I have no energy for that right now, but I have been looking up various other related things trying to work it all out in my head. I have a hard time integrating visual info & I'm having a hard time melding pictures/diagrams of the cervix with text on the subject. I will work it out, but it's going to take me a long time. I guess I enjoy driving myself nuts.
I know that I can't get an answer until I get the pathology reports...
Pretty soon I'll stop searching and accept (almost) that I just have to wait. That is until a few days before I go for that f/u appointment when I start searching again.

I'm disgusted with the coffee ground type crap I'm still passing & wonder if I'll ever stop smelling like the vinegar they use to coat the cervix.

My sister called. I answered. I just needed some time before I felt up to dealing with her. It went pretty well.

I'll catch up with everyone else's threads soon.

Thanks again.
Kay

I'm sorry that you have anxiety problems. Me too. I also take xanax,and it's the best thing for anxiety attacks,and panic attacks. BF

Kay,

Sending you hugs. And good thoughts.

Donna

Dear Kay

i just want to leave a few hugs for you.

~ waves ~

Thanks

I had my MRIs last night. They told me 1 hr. it took 2. Oh well.
Now I'm going to drive myself nuts by looking at the CD images over and over- even though I don't know anything about knee MRIs (obsess much?!). I do have a general idea of what to look for in terms of MS lesions tho.

In general, I'm doing okay. Lots of anxiety, but otherwise numb.

I'm going to see the health insurance lady at 3 today. I hope she has some ideas.

Thanks again,
Kay

P.S. My appointment with that lady was at 11, not 3. She called to ask me where I was... I feel bad, but we were able to reschedule for 2.

UGH! I'm always doing crap like that! I put it in my phone for 3pm. My fault. Still, it happens all the time.

Kay

I am sorry the time was wrong. But honestly don't take it to heart.
Or even say for sure it was your fault.

Sometimes its others faults too.

Donna