Dear Me BP?,

Remember that you are strong and brave. You have accomplished a lot. You have survived and overcome a lot.
Keep focused on the goal of staying strong and brave for yourself. You deserve all good things.

This therapist might not be the right person to help at this point.

Take a break from her if you think that will help you.
And start setting up an appointment with someone who does not push your buttons. I think you need someone who can respect your boundaries and who can read you better than she can.

Certainly, if she is making you upset during a difficult time, you can postpone some appointments with her until you are in a better place -- at least that.

But I would still look for a new therapist as a back up or as a possible new therapist (it's called "therapist shopping" ! ). Truthfully, there are so many therapists in this country that you could throw a stick down the middle of the street and hit one. They are all over and practicing all kinds of therapy.
You don't really have to move on yet. I am saying, perhaps, you can cool down with her for a few weeks and check out someone else in the meantime.

Also, you could avail yourself of some free group therapy and grief therapy and such. Contact nami.org. Also contact the hospitals in your city. They will have a list of groups that meet in their buildings/organizations.

You have the power to start down a better road than the one the therapist is laying for you.

M.

[Not sure about this transference therapy...sounds intense.

Is this what you are working on with your therapist?

Sounds hard and pretty rigid, sign a contract?

bizi

What I mean by retreating is that when I hurt inside I close myself off from everyone and everything, it's my defense mechanism. I get my feelings hurt so easily and have huge anxiety problems.I don't know how to talk to people or say things for fear that I'll same something stupid. So in order not to get hurt by people I put up the wall and don't let anyone in.

My tdoc calls it disassociating. Sometimes I find myself staring at the computer screen but I'm not really taking it in. It's like being awake but sleep walking simultaneously (without the walking part of course!). She always tells me I may be functioning in the outside world but the real me went underground to some other place - just not there. She said she can tell it just by looking at my eyes. I know I do it when I drive. I drive someplace and don't remember one thing I saw or how I got there. Pretty scary. She said I have my own drug dispensing system. When I just stare there's a strong impulse to just keep staring. She said opiates are being released in the brain which makes me feel numb and masks my emotional pain.

But when dissociation becomes chronic like it has in me, it can feel unbearable. She said that's why I get strong urges to cut. It's a common way in which people who dissociate seek temporary relief.

I wish I knew how to control this because I feel like I'm on a different planet than the rest of the world. I know something is wrong but I can't put a finger on it. That's why I feel so invisible and powerless and my self-esteem has gone right out the window. She said my nervous system is "too full", strained to the limit. All these unresolved issues and traumas have overburdened my CNS.

So bottom line is it's numbing my body and my emotions so I don't feel anything. But she can't penetrate through it but it's all fake relaxation. She said this is her major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it diminishes my ability to be present. Without a clear picture of what's happening, she can't help me. I'm not sure if she can help me and maybe I'd better go shopping.

I'm worn out just writing this. My pdoc finally called and said it's sounds like I'm showing signs of lithium toxicity so just take it in the evening until I get blood work done. The sun is finally shining here, first time all week so I'm going to work in my sanctuary, my garden, then I promised Hooper I'd take her to the park.

But I did join a suicide support group at the local hospital. The first one is Tuesday evening and it's free. I'm hoping talking to others face-to-face about "it" will help me get some peace.

She sounds like she is bright and wants to help you.
You have written alot here...this all makes sense...on paper.
So glad that you found a support group to go to...any chance you could have a friend go with you for the first time?
Have a nice walk/play in the park!
love bizi

Hi,

My tdoc and my acupuncturist both say that you can resolve some of this through "body work."

It can be amazing what can be released in a good massage.
Also, sweating for ten minutes in a sauna or steam room can help the body and the brain release the stuff we don't want any more.

Bring your body back to you and to the present by using it.
-Exercise.
-Chanting. . . .


Not everything has to be talked out. There are other ways of getting to something deep and disturbing.
Music and art therapy come to mind -- I have a relative who practices these kinds of therapy.

I'm think that massage might be fabulous for you.


At any rate, I am thrilled that you found a group at the local hospital. This could work out well. The garden and the park sound good too.

Thanks for posting.

Mari

I'm sorry I've been writing so much. As soon as I leave I get in my car and write everything down on my Iphone that she said so I don't forget. No Bizi I don't have any friends to go with me. I wish I did but that's just the way it is. I'm a wreck thinking about talking about it and being new but I know I need help.

It's funny you mentioned about a massage Mari because I do have a 1 hr gift certificate from my boss. That's what we got after tax season, that and a day off. Bonus won't be until July though. I've tried to use it several times because he said take it on work time. But every time I do something has to be done. The last day I was there I almost lost it. I've been working on a review audit for these 3 consolidated companies. All the field work was done and I had to do checklists and the writeup. It was on my desk for about a day and a half but that didn't mean I was working on it. He said next time you come in I don't want to see it on your desk but on mine. I told him I'm not working on it all that time because I get so many interruptions and phone calls. I left and went into the stairwell to calm down. I must get about 25 phone calls a day with questions and QuickBooks help but he doesn't see that.

And I do listen to music constantly. I always have my Ipod in my pocket. It keeps the other "noise" out. And I write poetry, but usually that's when I'm manic or depressed, the words just flow out. I wrote this one last night:

I close my eyes
Pretending
I can see the light
Feel my way blindly
Through the dark
Shadows become real

I am bleeding
Inside
Every single moment
With every breath

Nobody hears
My cries
My pleas

Is this where I must end up?

I'm drowning,
Already lost
What was left of me

Please tell me
That it's just a dream
I want to live again

I'm the prisoner
Of my soul
Beyond hope
Beyond despair

I cower in my room
I can see
I can hear

but I cannot feel

... and so I weep

It was fun getting out in the dirt again. Now Hooper's nudging me to get her to the park

dear Bj,
nobody says you have to even talk the first time that you are there...just go and listen, talk only if you feel like it...you will get more comfortable with time....be patient with yourself....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Me MP?,

I am getting ready to go out to the park too. I need to walk before it gets dark.


I like your poem. It is powerful.
I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Your gardening, keeping notes of therapy, seeking out group support at the hospital, Ipod, walking, . . . are all good.
You are on the right road.

Do you play a musical instrument by any chance?
There's a group of women near me who get together once night a month in a park to beat drums together. It sounds fun in a way but I have not gotten around to trying to connect with them.

I don't listen to music because music distresses me. I think it brings back memories -- no matter what song I am listening to. It could be a brand new song that came out last week.
And music with out words is difficult too. I can only listen for short periods of time.

So I am glad for you that you can listen to music and that it helps you.


Please keep writing.
I need to hear from you. I feel better when I hear from you -- I'm being serious.

That stinks about your work being interrupted by phone calls.
Too bad you can't ignore the calls, or better, send them to the boss's desk for him to pick up.

Book the massage and keep the appointment. You need it. Then book a second one for a week later.

I hope you and your Hooper enjoy your walk.


Mari

I wanted to send some good thoughts. And to let you know I'm thinking
of you.

I'm not with words for you at this point. But I'm here to support you.

Donna

Bizi I probably won't be able to say anything. I've become so shy lately and lost my self-esteem. I just hope I don't break when I'm there.

I'm trying to do what she said and absorb some of what she said, especially about the disassociating. Gosh I never even heard of that word before. Yes Mari music is my passion but believe me, it's only certain songs that I download to my Ipod. I have a little OCD going on when it comes to music. All my songs are separated into folders depending on my mood. I do have some on there that remind me of my family but they're good times. They're all the old beach songs because it reminds me of all the good times my family and I had down the Jersey shore.

I used to play the drums when I was in high school and college, only way to meet the football players. After that I started playing keyboard, just on my own and I really enjoyed it.

I never mentioned this because I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I only have about 20% use of my left hand. I was in an auto accident and rolled my car 3 times. I must have grabbed onto the frame as it was rolling and my hand was crushed under the car. My car landed upside down and was smoking and all I wanted to do was get out of there. I never even knew I was hurt, never felt it, until I got out. Then I saw all the blood and the bone was sticking out of my hand. I must have fainted because I woke up in the ER. I went through 8 months of physical therapy and 3 operations to try to get more use out of it. But I've learned to get around it and get by. Other than that, the only other thing I did was mess up my knee which is an ongoing problem and I had glass in my eyes and a cut on my head that required 32 stitches. But the cop said I'm lucky to be alive because if the car hold rolled on the street instead of in the field, I wouldn't be here. So that was the end of my keyboard days. I still play it but it's so difficult with one hand. I still have nightmares of that accident and can hear the car crashing on it's roof and the tires blowing out.

I'm glad you liked my poem. I write what's inside, sometimes it's good and sometimes not. I was walking Hooper in the park and my mind started to wander. I started thinking about next Sunday being Mother's Day and how I wish things were different. But it's out of my hands.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my job. I know it's putting a lot of stress on me but I feel like I'm stuck. I just wish they would realize how much work I do and give me credit for it once in a while. That's all I'm asking for.

I hope you enjoyed your walk too Mari. I walked Hooper's little legs off and she came home ate and crashed. She's sleeping at my feet right now.