Eva,
Please make an appointment with your gyny. He may have an approach that is not only physical; but emotional.

Love & Prayers,


Gerry

I am going though a tornado
with every thing just a little harder
Corissa had 60 days
Lost it by picking up cough medicine
with codine
The whole bottle
At program now
Doing meetings when early
Her father is behaving in a mean selfish way towards her
Not picking her up from meetings as they end at late hours
to be walking home alone
Program calling him on his absence when necessary to be
there
And I just learned he leaves for his coaching or his meeting
Not a comfortable time
Need to be there for her
Awaiting call from program doing a conference
Then there is my granddaughters father and his turd
My daughter in the program
He now expressed he is seeking custody
Not if I have anything to do with it

I don't know anymore if I'm coming or going

I'm in I don't know what mode

Write later

Eva's hungry

Love
Me

BASKETBALL DIARIES

I FOREWARNED HER

as it brings what's in this family
does not only have to be the big H
it is a lesson in itself
the upbringing
everything a mother suffers watching her
children with addiction in one form or another
including myself
with the clear understanding
my sobriety, meetings, psychotherapist sessions
mean zip to them
as if i don't need my medicine
"meetings"
being held back by my own children
having Eva is a commitment i chose to do
when the judge asked who will be seeking custody
i stepped up
not to enable
but to save her from
"the state taking her"
i will always protect her and my family
at times situations inevitability can be
mistaken as "enabling"
yes very aware of this
yes they
being
mother and father
a father who expressed on many occasions
especially when things weren't going his way
he goes manic and expressed to me
when angry at my daughter
how he would LOVE to stab her over and over
and slice her up
yes
this is the father of Eva
my granddaughter
as for her mother
she is in a 30 day re-hab
then halfway house
i pray and tell her
i cannot do it alone

i haven't yet spoken to her
or heard anything of the movie
"yet"
today
she will do food shopping
this will be interesting
it will be a tell tale sign about certain
things
i'm sure that is understood
having a tough time
with this body
plowing forward
will get a large exercise ball
one i can sit on
on the terrace with rope like ties on banister
and try to work on my body
i so would love a inverted bench
will not do
way to dangerous

going through the list of items
needed with my daughter
i will have to have her take a cab home
it must be done

just for today
love
me

Watched mass
Message was
No NEGITIVE thoughts
So upon waking I have to get
myself going
Going means
Taking my first set of Meds for the day
Eight Pills just to start
And then two more doses in the afternoon
and then again before bed
I should be happy to have Meds that help a bit
I feel like I am half dead already
To have to muster up and work myself
into a mental state of positive happenings
is work in itself
Depression seems to override anything I do
for pain supersedes all
I haven't had a belly laugh
Can't remember the last time
Trying to push it out of my mind isn't a easy task
Coming here is where I am lifted
Very special persons take it from me
And get it
I don't want it anymore
I was never this pathetic
It makes me sick that I see myself
like such
All I hear is
Eva, you are such a strong woman
I am weak physically but what disturbs me
mostly what it robs me of the use of my brain
O n c e "it" captures me it's almost to late
Today I will try my best to stay positive
Me

So many things going on
Still in a horrible place
Back is off the chart a
And all else followed

It was a mess on top of a huge mess
She is in a place of help
Lord help her pull through the next
six months with you at her side
Amen
Me

LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS,

AMEN



Gerry

Stuck in this valley
Reaching for the sky
Not to feel pain
Not to let it rob my spirit
Not too become weak again
Compounded by sadness
Compounded by doom
Compounded by pain I feel
In my body
My mind
My soul
My every fiber of this body
Is something I never experienced
Never factored into my life
My breast are gone to a disease that riddled my body
I would tell my doctors
THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON WITH MY BODY
THAT GUT FEELING SOMETHING IS JUST NOT RIGHT
and nobody was listening
Too late their gone
For my doctor to screw up the job
My left balloon is horrific
Would post a picture if I could as they have no nipples
Just a botched job
It has a name double bubble
Type it in as breast cancer reconstructive surgery
I'm not stuck on this just was a thaught as I type away
my life
My life
There is no life
Nobody should go through what I did
all overnight workers at the hospitals
Playing around
As gurnies lined up for persons to had MRI X-RAYS
THINGS OF THIS NATURE
Ignored
This was my wait for
Four hours on my back after my first fusion to my neck
I should have never been on my back that long
Pain pain pain pain over over and over
And here I am
I just exist
Me

Dear Eva,
I just exist with you. 2:10am here and no sleep because I tried to crush a couple of cardboard juice boxes 2 days ago. Back, neck and hands screaming. If the Mirtazapine work for the Depression I'm in trouble when they stop.
It is the cruellest pain when inflicted by those we trust to heal us. And for it to happen again and again is neglectful in my eyes.
Still, we have each other - and all our friends here. I'm having to jump in and out more and more because of my eyes. At least it breaks up the days.

Dave.

Today I was able to join my husband to a family function. I never know what the day will allow me to do. The medical conditions that cause this dilemma each day can be very difficult not only for myself; but those who count on me.
Thankful for today!!


Gerry

depression is something i suffer with
and in isn't just one kind

my granddaughter
had a visit from mom
the visit took place
on the veranda
earlier in the day
her mother called
a civil conversation
about why i couldn't allow
her dad to see her
he is dealing drugs
and my daughter lives with him
it is the mothers apartment
and she fears her son
enough said

by the time her mother came
it was late afternoon
nearing evening hours

got all the makings to make a sock
puppet
then i'm asked if she could extend
her stay for Eva

i hear her crying
i call her in my room
and asked her what was wrong
she tells me her mother won't play with her
because she fell asleep
i call out

she proceeds to tell me
she was tired
and there wasn't anything
wrong with her sleeping

i asked her to leave
she became violent in her movements
my youngest was home she is seventeen

oh goodness
so much more
but as best i can get it out

here is when i asked her to leave
blurts out in front of her
keep her
that's what you wanted anyway
twice
asked Corissa to please see her out
as i came back to my room
gave her a bubble bath
divert as best i could

she calls my youngest
tries to explain it away
but she told her sister good

TODAY

she calls this morning
both parents talk to her
Corissa handles talking with her
as i am in a failing way
and emotionally has consumed my
brain the past few days
the weather is killing me

i am burned out
every bloody week-end from
the constant chaos she is causing
it is affecting us
myself Corissa and Eva
it's becoming frustrated
just for today
she was told why she and him
cannot see her
just for today
gave them the opportunity to
let them do the right things

in the mean time
please leave us alone

i have two who need me

i am so tired and depressed over
so much turd
love
me