I am having a heck of a time with everything here lately. The crutch that i am on for stability just doesn't seem like it is doing me any good. I think it is doing me more harm than good. My legs and feet hurt all the time and the longer I am on my feet my feet swell like balloons. Not only that but just the grasping is killing me. I have almost dropped the crutch so many times now that I lost count do to me not being able to grasp so well. I also have a bad hip and it is causing my hip to go out. My doc said I could use a cane or a walker. I thought about trying the cane but come up with the conclusion that I would have the same problems as I am with the crutch. So I went to wal-greens last night just to try one of their walkers with the four wheels and a seat. I could not believe the difference just that little switch would make. I didn't get it cause I can't afford it right now. It was $140 plus tax. I already spend over $800 in meds a month. Oh wait a minute I forgot since I am not working I am spending my hubbys money. Sorry about the remark but him and I got into a huge fight when he got home last night. All i wanted to do was Discuss with him what the difference it made and that we could save money from me going to the chiro everytime I turn around. He wouldn't let me finish and he got all mad at me and said how are we going to get it around the house and how can we afford it. I told him to let me finish and I told him that i wouldn't do anything cuz we can't afford it,but instead I will just be in pain and go to the chiro when I need to. He don't understand and doesn't want to. he is making feel like such a loser. He told me that we wouldn't have this house or the stuff in it if it weren't for HIM. We would still be in the dumpy trailor we used to live in. I asked him who is the one that tries to do everything around here and who is the one that has painted some of the walls in here( that is when I was in better shape than now)? He says who bought the paint and stuff for you to do it? I told him I will make sure I ask him if it is ok for me to do or buy things from here on out since he thinks he needs to control things. I did tell him that I was not afraid of him and he told that I should be. I told him I was never afraid of any man in my life and I will not start now so if you want to hit me go ahead if it makes you feel like a man but remember one thing you will have the cuffs slapped on your wrists the very same night so you better think long and hard. I got right in his face when I said that just so he understood that I am not afraid of him.I told him I am just so tired of fighting and feeling like I am the one dragging the family down. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.I am trying so hard but obviously not hard enough. I just got a call from him and I am sitting here crying again because we got into another arguement. I told him that I wasn't going to fight anymore and I would hang up if he didn't stop. I already feel like a huge loser that can't do anything right. I know I shouldn't say this but I feel like I just want to die so I quit bringing the family down. I can't keep doing this it is literally ripping me apart. What more can I do? I don't even know if he really wants this marriage to work cuz of what he said last night. When i told him if he just wanted me to leave i would it that would make his life easier but my daughter was going with me.He told me that I make it sound so easy to just go and be done with it. He says its not that easy for him if I stay he has to pay for everything for me and if I go he still has to pay for everything for me until we get this whole court thing done with wc.So he loses either way. All I can think is he is tired of being with me but feels that he has no choice at the moment. What do you guys think? What am I suppose to do? I didn't ask to get this but i still feel like all of this is MY fault. I am tired of all the pain and the fighting. I just want to end it all,but I won't because I need to be here for my daughter. I love her more than anything in the world and will be here for her as long as I possibly can. Its just sometimes hard to continue living a life like this and keep moving on. How do you all do it? I don't know anymore. Can anyone help me? I just keep feeling like I am sinking further and further to the bottom of the ocean. Please help!
Very sadly yours,
Tracy Tracy(screwballpookie)